Saying ‘No’ to Unwanted Birth Support People

Birthing is one of the most intimate, instinctive and personal experiences of a woman’s life. For most people, it’s very easy to understand that a woman in labour will need and appreciate as much privacy as possible. However sometimes, it’s those who are closest to us that are unable to respect that all important need for privacy, when we need it the most.

BellyBelly Psychologist, Daniel Chable, finds this is a common issue within families and believes that only those people who were at the conception should be at the birth, unless:

• There are specific reasons for others to be there, like midwives etc;
• The woman who is about to give birth makes a specific request (preferably in writing) for others to be there.

Some women couldn’t think of anything better than having their mother with them while they give birth, but that doesn’t mean that you should be made to feel guilty for not wanting family there – these are your birth wishes and not a family Christmas bash. You also have the right to change you mind at any time.

BellyBelly Psychologist, Daniel says, “The most important thing at such a time is for the pregnant woman to feel as relaxed and as comfortable as she possibly can. She should not feel obligated to have any other person, apart from the father, present at the birth. She should not be made to feel guilty if she doesn’t want anyone else there. If the people who presumably care about her, like her parents, have any sensitivity to her needs and best interests they would respect her wishes and behave accordingly. The birth is actually nobody else’s business apart from the new mum, the dad and the baby.”

Chloe recalls her mother-in-law’s insistance on telling the family she would be there during the birth of her grandchild. “My mother-in-law drove me crazy throughout my pregnancy with this. She never once asked me if I wanted her there but told all her friends and family that she would be there. She had even been telling everyone that she was taking time off work to be at the birth.”

It’s more than just a matter of respecting a woman’s decision to birth her baby in privacy – she may already feel apprehensive, anxious or frightened about how the birth might be. This can have a negative impact especially if she has extra stresses of people being present whom she doesn’t want to be there. She may become even more nervous, self-concious or feel pressured with performance anxiety. Dr. Sarah Buckley writes about the effect of adrenaline (produced as a result of anxiety) on the birthing mother:

“The hormones adrenaline and noradrenaline are known as the fight-or-flight hormones, or, collectively, as catecholamines (CAs). They are secreted from the adrenal gland above the kidney in response to stresses such as fright, anxiety, hunger or cold, as well as excitement, when they activate the sympathetic nervous system for fight or flight…high CA levels inhibit oxytocin production, therefore slowing or inhibiting labor.”

Sarah also writes, “Some writers have observed that, for a laboring woman, having a baby has a lot of parallels with making a baby: the same hormones, the same parts of the body, the same sounds and the same needs for feelings of safety and privacy. How would it be to attempt to make love in the conditions under which we expect women to give birth?”

One of the biggest problems with a slow or stalled labour in a hospital (besides being quite uncomfortable and exhausting for the mother) is that it’s almost always going to result in an augmentation (which is artifical stimulation of labour, usually via synthetic oxytocin drip, artifical rupture of the membranes etc) in order to hurry things up. From the very moment you arrive in hospital, you are pretty much ‘on the clock’ and if labour is not progressing sufficiently for the medical staff, you will very likely end up with an augmentation. This often results in pain relief which in turn may result in further intervention (episiotomy, forceps, vacuum etc) and carries all the side effects with it for you and baby. This may all seem rather drastic, especially when the problem stems from mum feeling uncomfortable, anxious or nervous about who is in the room with her, and the situation may potentially be rectified by removing the source of the stress. Your body is simply reacting in survival mode, based on the signals you are sending it.

Juliette remembers feeling horrified and vulnerable when her parents walked into the delivery suite when she was in labour. “They got to the hospital and just decided to tell the hospital staff that they were here to see me – so the staff let them into the room I was in (hooked up to the syntocin drip, having some pretty intense contractions at the time) and they both just walked in and started talking to me. I couldn’t believe it. I felt so vulnerable, invaded and kinda betrayed. They stayed for ages and it was all I could do not to scream at them. I felt like crying. I know I was holding back (labour) because I didn’t feel that I was emotionally in a safe place where I could “let go” and just let it all happen. I was so tense. Even after they left (about an hour later) I was stewing about it for the rest of the labour. Something to focus my anger on I guess!”

Kerry’s mother also arrived uninvited into the birth suite. “Prior to giving birth to my first child, I made it very clear that I only wanted my husband there – i’m a pretty private person and only felt comfortable having him there. Although this was made clear to mother-in-law, she turned up anyway and came into the birth suite while I was in labour. I was just gob-smacked. After she left, I was in floods of tears and found the birth experience more stressful to cope with than I imagine it would have been if she had stayed away and left me and my husband to share the experience alone as planned.”

Because Kerrie’s mother had a previous history of inviting herself into the delivery suite while Kerrie’s sister was labouring, Kerrie had already thought ahead. “We decided that we wouldnt be telling anyone when we went into labour. It annoyed alot of people, especially parents, but the decision was ours and no-one else.”

What should I do if my mother / mother-in-law is angry or upset with me over my decision not to include her at the birth?

Daniel says, “Generally I believe that most mothers probably have a genuine wish to be supportive and helpful and that setting a limit can leave them feeling hurt and upset – sometimes this can be expressed by being angry with you.”

—Daniel’s Tips

1. Let her know that you can understand that she might be feeling upset and hurt but that you certainly had not intended for her to feel that way – and that you and your husband would really value her contribution to your baby’s life after the birth.

2. You might also let her know that you have really valued her contribution to your life up until now but that you and your partner are clear about your wishes about who you would both like to be present apart from yourselves.

The technique may be described as kicking and stroking in that you maintain your limits (kicking) but acknowledge valuable qualities (stroking).

Let the hospital and/or midwives know

It’s a good idea to let the midwives know if you feel family turning up unexpectedly is going to be a problem or if you don’t want any visitors. They often deal with these situations and you can even have your partner remind them when you arrive in the delivery suite to be sure. Also you might like to create your own sign to put on the door of your room, something simple but to the effect of, ‘strictly no visitors please,’ which might not only fend off visitors but remind the midwives that you don’t want any too.

Daniel Chable currently practices at:

Mitcham Private Hospital Consulting Rooms Telephone: (03) 9210 3146

MMC Consulting Suites, Templestowe Telephone: (03) 8850 0456

Boroondara Consulting Suites, Hawthorn Telephone: (03) 9819 9877