Where Am I on the Hierarchy?

I have often spoken to new parents who feel somewhat trapped and confused about how to establish their rights and responsibilities in relation to their parents. They find it very frustrating and anxiety provoking when trying to establish their authority concerning their baby with respect to their own parents.

This sort of problem tends to come up when their parents, more often than not, their mother, believes that their knowledge base about looking after children is vastly superior to their daughter’s knowledge. The reason often stated by them is that they have raised several children so they ought to know.

One of the problems that such parents fail to realise is that they haven’t raised your baby and, more importantly, that every baby is different. Another important factor is that you and your partner may have chosen to raise your baby in a particular way and that your way may be different to that of your parents.

An example of this is where a new mum was having difficulty with her own mother’s attitude because she was feeling uncomfortable when her baby was crying. Her mother maintained that it wouldn’t hurt her baby because, as her mother explained, when she, the new mum, was a baby herself, her mother would leave her crying in her room for long periods of time, while she served customers in a milk bar, and that as far as she could see it didn’t do her any harm. Upon discovering this information the new mum reflected that this might provide some explanation of her tendency to be pessimistic about things and her belief that whatever she said or did would not improve or change anything for her.

You as the new parents need to realise that the baby needs you to be in charge and to be able to ensure that they are looked after appropriately. That means that you shouldn’t allow yourself to be encouraged, cajoled, bullied or blamed by your own parents. If possible you need to realize that you and your parents are now on a much more equal footing. That is, you are all parents now.

This means that that when your parents come over unexpectedly at 8:00pm for example, and you are just in the process of putting your baby to sleep, they are not entitled to have a cuddle or a play at that time and that you have every right to insist on that. It also means that they are not entitled to insist that at some family gathering the baby should be able to be handed around the relatives to hold if you do not want that to happen.

You and your partner are the people who are in charge of your baby.

Daniel Chable currently practices at:

Mitcham Private Hospital Consulting Rooms
Telephone: (03) 9210 3146

MMC Consulting Suites, Templestowe
Telephone: (03) 8850 0456

Boroondara Consulting Suites, Hawthorn
Telephone: (03) 9819 9877