Sexlife After Baby – What Will Happen To My Sexlife?

It’s one of those burning issues couples really want to know about but are too afraid to ask – how will my sexlife change after baby? We thought we’d stop you from sweating and give it to you straight from those who have already been there and done that (pardon the pun!).

Just like every parenting style is unique, so too is a couple’s sex life. Some couples might be happy having sex 3-4 times a week or more and for some, that many times in a month is sufficient. So is it true what some say, that having a baby will put an end to your sexlife? Or is there secret ‘mummies and daddies’ business going on under the covers that we haven’t been told about?

I spoke to a handful of women from BellyBelly’s Forums who kindly shared the intimate details of their sexlife, so we can see how differently having a baby can impact upon sexual relationships. The names of all those who contributed have been changed to protect the privacy of those who replied.

Sex Before Baby

According to our BellyBelly sex poll, a whopping 55% of women voted that they were having sex with their partner several times a week before they had babies – some once a day or more. 18% voted once a week and 18% voted for once a fortnight. Only 5% said once a month and 3% once every few months. No votes were recorded for less than this amount.

BellyBelly Psychologist, Daniel Chable, says this is an expected result – “Before a baby comes along, chances are both males and females are interested in sex and seek to have sexual intercourse as frequently as possible.”

Justine

When she was trying to conceive, Justine found that she would be having sex around 4 times a week. It would tend to be less when she knew she was not fertile and more when she knew she was fertile, but overall, around 4 times a week.

Sarah

Twice a fortnight Sarah would have sex with her partner before baby.

Dianne

Dianne would have sex twice a week or more with her partner before pregnancy – she thinks it may have been more but since it was such a long time ago, she can’t remember!

Amy

Amy responded, “It was very common for us to have sex everyday and at times twice or maybe three times a day.”

Sex During Pregnancy

According to our BellyBelly sex poll, 35% of women voted that they had sex more than once a week. 23% voted that they would had sex only a few times during their whole pregnancy, with 17% voting once a week. 12% said once a fortnight, 1% once a month. 5% had sex every 2-3 months while pregnant and another 3% voted for no sex at all during pregnancy.

Some women who have had a history of miscarriage, incompetent cervix or a low lying placenta may be advised to avoid sex. For these reasons, the frequency or occurrence of sex during pregnancy may be lesser than what it would be without these conditions.

On the other hand, women may find that their sexdrive steps up a fair few notches while pregnant. This may be due to increased blood flow to the pelvic region, including the vagina which can heighten sensitivity for many women.

Justine

Justine reported to have sex approximately once a week in the first trimester, four times a week in the second trimester and not at all during the third trimester, when pregnant with her first baby.

Sarah

Sarah did not have sex at all during pregnancy.

Dianne

Dianne said that her sex drive would increase during pregnancy, so she had sex just as much, if not more, than when not pregnant. She had sex much less in her second pregnancy due to other relationship issues.

Amy

Each trimester was different for Amy also.

“In the first trimester my libido was very high where we’d have sex at least once a day, quite often more and would just finish and I’d be ready for another go, which I got on a couple of occasions, it didn’t take me much at all to be in the mood, just a look or a little touch on my skin was enough. Second Trimester, my libido was low and we would go a couple of weeks without either of us being in the mood, then it would take a bit of encouragement before I was ready. Third trimester was very similar to 2nd until the last 6 weeks, I somehow got my libido back despite my enormous bump, we had sex approximately every 3rd day but only once, I quickly ran out of breath and my husband would have to finish quickly.”

Sex After Baby

According to our BellyBelly sex poll, 32% of women voted that they had sex once a fortnight after sex resumed post baby, with 21% voting for several times a week, 17% for once a week and 14 once a month. 7% voted for every couple of months and 7% have had no sex at all since having their baby.

While many women may find that they feel disinterested in sex soon after having their baby, some women find that they feel a strong desire for sex and intimacy with their partner. Post birth bleeding can last for around 6 weeks, so sexual intercourse may not be possible. For these women, non-penetrative sex with their partner may be an option or other nurturing gestures as discussed further below may be useful.

A large proportion of women who took part in the BellyBelly Poll attempted to resume sex at around 5-6 weeks post baby – a fair few of them found it uncomfortable or painful. Some women were still bleeding at this point and waited longer, some up to 2-3 months or more.

Justine

After having her baby, Justine still had sex around four times a week, once she had recovered from birth. She felt that her sex drive slowed initially, but once her daughter was sleeping through the night, it came back with a vengeance. “It was the best sex ever!”

Sarah

Since having her baby in October 2003, Sarah still hasn’t had sex with her partner. She had a slow sex drive following the birth but is finding this is increasing, however she finds that the sex drive returning for her husband is more of an issue.

Dianne

After her first, Dianne had sex for the first time at around 5 weeks post birth, which felt a little uncomfortable. Her sexlife was not as active as it was before baby, due to her partner working long hours and lack of energy. Her sexlife now with two children is around once every few months, but she feels this will get better once her youngest is sleeping through the night.

Amy

Amy’s libido came back within 3 days after having her baby, but since she was recovering from a caesar and had lochia (post-birth bleeding) for 6 weeks, she didn’t have sex until the bleeding had stopped. “Then it was every day for a couple of days then my libido disappeared again. It’s now 13 weeks since birth and from 6 weeks until now, we’ve only had sex 5 times.”

Sex and Your Partner

The following questions we asked were aimed more towards the relationship, which produced some very different answers from each woman.

Has your partner’s sex drive changed after baby?

All of the women answered that their partner’s sex drive remained unchanged or was slightly more enthusiastic, with one woman commenting that it was her partner who had lost interest altogether.

It was fantastic to see many partners being so understanding of the recovery period post birth. Kerry commented, “He has been really good and knows that I am still struggling with the thought of sex, so he doesn’t pressure me. But I do make sure I communicate with him so he is aware of my feelings and what’s going on with me.”

Does the issue of sex effect your relationship or do you feel compatible at the moment?

Sarah feels that the current arrangement is effecting her relationship, given her partner has lost interest in sex for so long.

Two of the women felt that their partners wanted it more than they did, but it didn’t effect the relationship at all.

The other two women had no issues in their relationship at all in regards to sex.

Amy commented, “I feel quite bad at times that I can’t give my partner what he wants, I think it does affect our relationship to a certain degree.”

Under what circumstances would you be more inclined to have sex with your partner?

Jane says she’s lucky as far as this one goes and has a partner who is happy to help with chores, is romantic and focuses on foreplay. “Men should never underestimate the power of ‘extended foreplay’ – helping around the house etc,” she says.

Amy said “If my partner could help with the chores and baby it would help greatly, I then wouldn’t be so tired and I’d also appreciate that he’s helping me.”

Rebecca feels that the pain she has suffered having sex with Endometriosis is hindering her sex life. She was put on relaxants to help, which unfortunately didn’t work. Despite finally being treated and the pain disappearing, she still finds the memories distracting.

Having a four month old baby, Kerry is sure her sex drive will get back to normal and it’s only a matter of time before this happens.

Daniel Chable says, “One woman once said, ‘If you’ve had somebody on you all day, you don’t want somebody on you at night as well!’ If the male can be sensitive to the female and what her experience is throughout the process of becoming pregnant, giving birth and the most difficult process, looking after a baby day-in, day-out, then this can be very helpful for the female and leads her to feel more positively and warmly about her male.”

Do you miss the sex you once had? Do you think it will ever come back?

Again, a mixed response of both sex being much better after childbirth and some not so great.

Justine says, “Now we have our daughter, it’s even better than before. From an emotional point of view we have fallen more in love, and from a physical point of view, I feel like a total woman since giving birth and breastfeeding.”

Sarah responded, “I miss it; I am losing hope of it ever coming back.”

Amy said “Yes I do miss the sex life we once had, I really hope it does come back but I don`t think that will happen for a while, it might take years, I`m beginning to think it might not come back until the children are older and can look after themselves to a certain degree.”

Dianne commented, “It’s taken me a while but I have learnt that I need to be more accountable within my relationship and not expect it all to just happen for me. I don’t think I would ever get knocked back initiating sex, but I tend to find that the more effort I put in, the more he does too. Sex is less frequent than it used to be, but it’s definitely more meaningful and we both try to please each other and take our time, even if we regret the late night in the morning it’s worth the smile on his face!”

How many times a week would you like to have sex, should the environment be ideal for you?

Justine and Kerry felt that 3-4 times a week would be ideal, Rebecca, Dianne and Sarah preferred once a week and Jane felt that once every two days would be perfect for her.

Amy said, “If the situations were ideal, it would at least be once a day but I’d probably would prefer 3 times.”

What issues can impact on a couple’s sexlife?

There are a few main factors which can impact a couple’s sexlife which both partners need to be aware of and discuss how they would deal with each scenario.

1. Pain after childbirth

Some women experience pain during intercourse after having a baby. This may be the case where there is still healing occurring as a result of tearing or an episiotomy (surgical cut of the perineum) or other health issues such as thrush or an infection.

At six weeks post-natally, there should be a check-up scheduled with your Ob, Midwife or GP, during which you will likely be asked how the resumption of sex has been. If you have been experiencing pain, it’s important to let your caregiver know. The sooner you ask for help, the sooner you can receive it and the easier it is to treat.

2. Body image

Many women feel conscious of their body post baby, which may result in them feeling reluctant to resume their sexlife. This may not only be due to weight that has been gained during pregnancy, but also due to stretch marks, leaking breastmilk, a wobbly tummy or pelvic floor muscles which have been stretched – women may feel anxious that their vagina may not be as ‘cosy’ as it once was. Pelvic floor muscles are also closely knit with sexual arousal, sensation and orgasm, so while these muscles are getting strengthened again through pelvic floor muscles, this may also effect the way a woman feels about sex.

3. Depression

While having a baby can be one of the most exciting times in our life, it can also be the most anxious and stressful time too. Stress, anxiety and depression can all impact on both male and female libido. If you aren’t coping and / or suspect you might have post natal depression, you can read our article here for more information and resources for support.

It’s important that you communicate your feelings to your partner and also your doctor or midwife, in order to help get things back on track as soon as possible.

4. Lack of energy or lack of sleep

When there is a baby in the house, it’s likely that both partners will be tired or exhausted after a long day at work or at home taking care of baby. The difficult decision between a warm cosy bed or sex with your partner can be a tough one to make, most of the time, bed is the first preference.

5. Anxiety over being interrupted or having the baby in the room

Being a parent who co-slept with my first baby, I was always receiving comments about how that could ruin or interfere with my sexlife. I would always reply, ‘Do you only have sex in the bedroom?’ If you feel awkward about baby in the bedroom, be inventive and try somewhere new to have sex, or perhaps move baby into another room.

If you are anxious about being interrupted, try and pick a time when you know baby has a good sleep or a block of a few hours sleep. For example if you have a young baby, perhaps after baby has had a feed and has just gone down to bed.

It’s great to have exciting ‘quickies’, but you might not like to get into the habit of doing this all the time, as women sometimes require more than a quickie to reach orgasm. This is another reason why having dates with your partner are a great idea, as you will have this uninterrupted time if you wish to use it for sex.

When should we resume our sexlife?

There is no exact time when you should resume sex, some women will feel physically and mentally comfortable sooner or later than others. Her readiness also depends on the events of the birth and it’s effects on her body, as some births may require a longer healing time than other births.

Sex should be resumed in your own time and no pressure from your partner is put on the situation. It’s important you communicate to your partner to let them know how you are feeling so they can understand the situation.

If your doctor or Midwife has advised against sexual intercourse following birth or if your cervix or vagina has not fully healed, then it’s important to follow their advice and wait until they say it would be more advisable.

What if I have no pain, am ready to have sex but don’t feel like it?

Assuming you have ruled out any medical reasons for lack of sexdrive and that it’s been some time that you’ve had your baby, it can be difficult to feel that you can ‘pick up’ where you left off with your sexlife which was roaring with activity prior to having a baby.

There are several things you can do to help kick start your sexlife back into action if both partners are willing.

1. Flirt with your partner

It’s a great idea to remember the very things that made you fall in love with your partner in the first place. Remember how it felt? Flirting with your partner by leaving cheeky notes where they will find them (and ideally no-one else!), leaving messages on their mobile during the day or whispering things in their ear before they go off to work is a great way to bring back some of that excitement that you once had.

2. Have an affair – with your partner

Something that I have just begun doing with my partner (which a few of my friends have already been doing, as to has my mother!) is having ‘dates’ with their partners. Once a month, or at a duration of your choice, you can alternate organising a date for the your partner, designed especially for them. This can be anything you think your partner might like, from a picnic somewhere, to a daytrip, to a night out at a nice hotel or to a restaurant dinner. The main thing is that you both get to go out without the child/children and spend time together as adults and uninterrupted. It needn’t end with sex if you don’t want it to, but the main thing is the quality time you do spend together, which may help those feelings of excitement over the impending date grow into even more. Make sure you keep the adult time as that, no baby talk – just ‘grown-up stuff’!

3. Organise regular adult time

If you have family or a good friend you can trust with your child / children overnight, organise a regular day for you can have some adult time alone with your partner, even just at home. Remember when it used to be just the two of you, stuck at home with nothing to do? Order takeout or perhaps cook a romantic meal, grab some DVD’s and maybe an early night… if you get my drift! In the morning, you’ll be able to have a nice snuggle and perhaps breakfast in bed or out somewhere together – I know my husband and I have a special place for breakfast and when we feel like a treat we go along. It’s amazing what a full night’s sleep and leisurely day can do for you.

4. Spice things up!

This is a great way to get some spark back into the bedroom especially if you haven’t ventured into this area before. There are plenty of ways you can spice up the bedroom with various aids – be it adult DVD’s or videos, lingerie, dressing up for your partner – or there are things you can do that don’t cost any money which are a great firestarter. For example, you could jump into bed before your partner does, where they might find you completely naked, or you might offer to give your partner an erotic massage, shower or blindfold them – the list is endless! One BellyBelly member suggested this in a recent ‘Fun In Bed’ competition:

“A couple of months ago we declared our bedroom an underwear-free zone, and since then, our love life has just blossomed. Spontaneity rules!”

and this,

“Sometimes I jump into bed with only a pajama top on. He only gets a surprise if he takes the time to hug me and find out what I’m wearing. If not, he misses out!”

Some great ideas there! You’ll also find plenty of ideas and novelties on the AdultShop website if you’d like to get some extra inspiration.

5. Nurture each other

Being a parent is a highly nurturing role, especially for the parent at home with the child/children. You may feel like you are the one constantly nurturing others and are desperate for some nurturing of your own.

Daniel Chable offers, “One thing that many men do not understand is that a women who has been looking after a baby all day and then in all likelihood preparing a meal for their male has been providing considerable nurturing throughout the day. What she values tremendously is to be nurtured in turn.”

Take turns at offering nurturing gestures like a massage, grooming – for example the male might like to paint his partner’s toenails or moisturise her body. Offering to help with the chores is a great way to connect with your partner – as one of the women said to me, “Teamwork is such a turn on!”.

Small things can go a long way and foreplay isn’t just for the bedroom. Lots of mums have said to me that they are more inclined to feel like sex when the house is clean or the dishes are done, so they can relax and enjoy themselves without worrying about what needs to be done about the house.

6. Communicate

The most important thing that you need to be doing with your partner is communicating with them and I don’t mean telling them to pick up their dirty socks! It only takes ten minutes a day which can go so far as to save your marriage or relationship. Agree on a good time to have your 10 minute check-up with your partner and make sure the kids are tucked up in bed, you have a drink of choice in your hand and if you want to go all out, perhaps some nice nibblies of fresh fruit or cheese and crackers – anything that helps you relax and get in the mood for some talking. Turn off the t.v., computer and phones and both partners should have the opportunity to talk about their day or perhaps their hopes for the future, with the other person listening.

It’s often said that generally women like to talk to someone who will sympathise and men like to talk to someone who will give them answers but this is not always the case – perhaps ask you partner what sort of response they would prefer but either way, listen to hear, not listen for the sake of listening. It always helps to respond to the person speaking by giving them feedback on what they have just told you, for example, ‘So you had a really hard day at work because you weren’t allowed a lunch break and felt you needed one?’ This lets the other person know you are listening.

All of these things, no matter how significant they may seem, can all help bring the excitement back into your sexlife and for some, make it even better than it once was. Have sex for your sexlife and not for the sake of having sex – take that step and work on it for both of you. It’s not just about pleasing your partner but you too.

What if my partner doesn’t feel like sex?

It is common for either partner to have a lower sex drive during pregnancy and after the birth of the baby. Not only do mothers feel tired, awkward and uncomfortable but fathers can also feel apprehensive about having sex while his partner is pregnant or so close to the birth. If you find yourself in the position where one partner’s drive is higher than the other, there are ways you can still enjoy intimacy without penetrative sex. Touch, kissing, cuddling and external stimulation are all great ways to express your love for one another – pressuring your partner into sex is a likely path to a more disconnected sexlife where resent may build in your partner. You may also feel comfortable suggesting to your partner that they please themselves if they have a strong need for sexual pleasure.

At the end of the day, the main key in achieving and maintaining a great sexlife with your partner is one simple word: COMMUNICATE. If both partners are effectively in touch with each others feelings and can understand what they are going though, they are more likely to keep that warm and loving relationship going which will foster a healthy sexlife to what it once was, probably even better than before.

Additional reading: You might also like to read the article written by BellyBelly Psychologist, Daniel Chable, titled Sex After Baby.

Kelly Zantey is a birth attendant (aka doula) the creator of BellyBelly, mum to two beautiful children and has just opened the BellyBelly Pregnancy Centre in Canterbury, VIC.