Parenting After LT TTC ~ January - April 2008

[sushee]

it took a lot of time, money, emotion and sacrifices to get him, so he would be the most hard-earned 'gift' I've ever received.

Here, here Kim!

I sometimes feel that I have to prove that I deserve to be a mother because it was harder for me to fall pg. Which I logically know is silly, but the feeling is still there.

Me too. It's silly I agree, Kim, and I'm sure we're our own worst enemies, because I know personally that I strive so hard to be this perfect mum to Charlie, to the point of being really hard on myself sometimes. I feel like I can't take a second of our time together for granted, which, if anyone else is like me (and I bet many of you are) it puts incredible, irrational pressures on us! We don't need society making us feel neurotic, we're doing fine on our own thanks very much!

[Willow]

I know personally that I strive so hard to be this perfect mum to Charlie, to the point of being really hard on myself sometimes. I feel like I can't take a second of our time together for granted, which, if anyone else is like me (and I bet many of you are) it puts incredible, irrational pressures on us!

Sushee - this is me exactly. I have really struggled with it at times when I feel like we aren't meeting those expectations I have created somewhere in my head. I think it is intensified by the fact that we lost our second baby, I didn't get to bring that baby home so I need to make this time PERFECT to prove that I deserved this second chance. Rationally I know that's nuts, but emotionally, it's a different story.

[secochook]

As for the parenting myth. I havent really had much to do with that but I have made comments in my baby buddies group (which you should join Jason!!!) that I wished they didnt cr@p on so much in the antenatal classes about what a magical, euphoric moment labour and birth is. Sure there is the overwhelming love and joy when the baby is born but for crying out loud ... almost everyone struggles with massive pain or really long labour or the terror when something goes wrong. Who actually has a perfect birth? Just be honest and say it hurts a lot, it is scary and sometimes things go a bit unexpected but at the end it is totally worth it.

Well, must go. I feel like crap. I wonder if I have the beginnings of mastitis? Hope not....

Hi Sazz

I am aware of that group and its predecesor group of Belly Buddies. I did follow a lot of it as I wanted to guage how this whole pg thing was going for women other than the DW. As we were bitter and twisted we didn't pay any attention to how friends and family coped with their pregnancies. I have the feeling that those groups are more for the mothers so I have not wanted to impose. (There is some history to a comment I had made in the Men's Forum which was misunderstood so I am cautious of where I decide to post)

With regard to the Mastitis my DW got a bit of it but she acted straight away and went to the doc. I think that be doing that she may have avoided i worse experience. Although it was not pleasant!

Cheers

Jason

[secochook]

Sazz/Jason - I think the first 6 weeks with the baby is the hardest. I didn't always know why DS was crying, struggled to get him to sleep in his bassinette, and was overtired all the time. However, I felt it was harder on my DH as I found the BF hormones kept me generally happy and I could nap in the day when Hayden slept. Poor DH would try to help out at night, then go to work (and had no happy hormones). Hayden certainly has his bad days now (teething - arrgh!) but mixes in smiles and giggles which melt my heart on even the grizzliest days.

I have found that helping out at night and going to work very difficult. It would be great if I could have a nap a couple of times a day but the current work/life culture has still not fully aligned I don't think. It is currently the norm, or perceived to be the norm that the father takes a completely active role in the feeding/settling process. I am very happy to do this. Unfortunately at work, the culture is that you have no sympathy from male colleagues as they either didn't help out or also weren't given any sympathy so they won't give you anyway.

I am jealous that DW can nap during the day but then again I want her to do it and encourage her to do because she does have it worse than me at the moment as she is breast feeding. I know it takes a lot energy for women to do this and they need the rest. Sometimes you get selfish and want to complain but you can't or shouldn't. I wish I was 15 years younger as I think I could handle the lack of sleep better!

Well we are almost at the six week period so I hope that Luisa will settle in to a routine better. But I have heard the difficult period can last longer. One of the Mother's Cult accidently let that tidbit slip!!!

What is good at the moment is that we do get smiles quite often. It does help!

Cheers

Jason

[mako]

Wow you have all been very busy chatting away in here. I won't attempt to catch up with all of you but I will say that yes this parenting business seems to get a little easier but then something will always pop up and throw a spanner in the works.
Sage has been pretty settled lately and then he has begun teething and then we had his needles yesterday and now everything is all over the place. He was very unsettled yesterday and lastnight. Today he has a temperature and hasn't been feeding as much as he normally does.He has only just gone down for a nap. He usually has had atleast 1 before now but not today. He screams whenever I go to put him down

Sazz I hope you can get the mastitis sorted out before it gets too bad hun. I have had it 3 times since having Sage. It is really painful hey?? Just know that I'm here if you need anything. I found I needed to express alot while I had it and also hot showers worked a treat. Look after yourself hun.

Jason You sound like you are a wonderful husband. Good on you for helping your dw. It is a tough job for you guys too. I know that my dh struggles sometimes too. He does do his best but it is hard as he has to work long hours too. I don't know about you but my dh didn't have any time off when I had Sage. He only had the day off when he was born and he was back at work the very next day. It was very tough for him and the worst part about it, he works for his father.

I can't understand some of the questions we are asked constantly like is he/she a good baby? Are you bfeeding??? What is it when strangers ask you that?? Why do they think its thier business?? I can't understand that.

Hi to you all

[DJTTC]

Jason - you sound like a wonderful husband & father, good on you. I can only imagine how hard it is having sleepless nights & then having to go to work, but try to hang in there it does get better.

Willow - I can't believe that someone would be so insensitive to say you sound unfullfilled, some pp just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!

Rachel - I am happy for you that you have been lucky with your baby but I really do think you are one of very few who have an easy time (I obviously do know that their are some easy bubs & I hope you don't feel I was being horrible).

For me having a difficult pg & long painful labour was hard.
Breastfeeding was hard.
Having bub scream from 5 - 9pm every night suffering with colic was hard.
Having bub want a feed every 2 hours at night & then myself not being able to sleep during the day was exremely hard.
Not having time alone with Dh has been hard.

But in spite of all this it is worth it because:

Loving your baby is EASY.
Wanting the best for bub is easy.
Seeing bub smiling & giggling is soooooooooo easy.
Watching them grow & learn new things is easy.
I could think of a lot more things but ykwim.

I must admit as bub is getting older things are becoming much easier & I find my princess an absolute joy (doesn't mean I want to go through it again any time soon, lol).

Mako - hope Sage feels better soon.

Sazz - you might need to get onto the boob thing before it gets really bad, hopefully its not mastitis.

I totally agree with you all there is no such thing as a bad baby, the poor buggers I'm sure labour is not a nice time for them either & then their tummies adjusting to milk,etc.
I'm sure it's a much nicer place in the womb.

Jo - 28
Dh - 34

[sazzafrazz]

Hey there!
I made a huuuuge post yesterday and had to attend to Celeste before submitting it. DH came home and immediately closed this up so it was lost! Bit annoyed about that but I will add it to the list of annoying things other halves do sometimes. hehe.

I have adjusted to having a new baby really well I think. I also think DH hasnt really made a lot of changes to his life at all!!! He started off so supportive and helpful but the last couple of weeks he has slipped back into all his old routines. Last friday night I cracked a small narna at him because he had gone out and played squash every night except for tuesday night, which he worked so couldnt. By 7pm friday when he had been gone for 2hours I phoned him on his mobile, with a screaming baby in my arms, asking him to come home as I couldnt cook tea or go to the toilet or anything and I hadnt seen him all week. He came home quite sheepishly and said he had lost track of time. Oh, yeah, and what day it was as well????? I think he realised he needs to give me a bit more of a break cause he turned down the opportunity to play again on Monday night Celeste is a bit colicky in the evenings and it can be very draining having her scream for 4hours every night. I just need a break sometimes!!! Anyhow, he has since been settling her in the evenings a lot more. I will go to bed after feeding her and he will get her down. Thank goodness! I need to make my needs heard I think. I guess I am doing the "perfect mother" thing you have been talking about, thinking I should be able to cope with everything easily and without complaint as I have wanted this baby for so long and so much. But in reality it is difficult sometimes having a newborn. I can say I am having a hard time or that I need help. ... ok, need to get that into my head: ok to ask for help.

Saw my old boss today and had a brief chat. She asked how Celeste was doing with her sleeping and feeding etc. Then she asked "so, what else have you been doing with yourself?" as though I have hours and hours of free time up my sleeve and am just watching telly all day. I was ammused! It takes me till lunch time some days to get showered and dressed. It can take 4 trips out to the line to get one load of washing hung out, 20mins or more to unpack the dishwasher etc. Everything just takes sooo much longer to do. I am sure this will improve but then she will start being on the move crawling and walking and it will all take so long again hehehe. No wonder being a stay at home parent is full time work.

Jason, I hope you are getting all the wonderful changes that week 6 brings... Celsete had a great time this morning on her lambskin with her nappy off. She has wrist and ankle toys and was having a great time. I went to make the bed and could hear her giggling in the other room. Too cute. I am also getting cute smiles when she is playing around at the end of a feed or if I take off her wet nappy she gives me a nice thank you smile. It is wonderful ! I really think you should come into the baby buddies group. It is for parents of babies born then, not for mothers of babies born then. I went to find out what the controversy was you were talking about and I think you put it very well and I agree. It is a pitty some people take things the wrong way on here sometimes but I guess it is hard to hear the feeling when things are typed rather than spoken. Give it some thought anyhow.

As for the mastitis, false alarm. It must have been just a fluey bug cause mostly it has passed. fingers crossed.

Hmm, was heaps of stuff I thought of yesterday but it has all gone out of my mind now. Oh well.

[DJTTC]

Sazz - you poor thing, I would have went off at dh way sooner than you did.
I think sometimes that just don't get how time consuming looking after a baby is & they do need reminding.

I can't imagine what it would be like being a single parent, I think I would go crazy.

Hopefully the colic will settle down soon, we used to have Jenna screaming from 5 - 9pm every night & it was very upsetting for all of us.

I can totally relate to not having a shower before lunchtime & this morning it took me two hours to vaccum downstairs because bubby was unsettled (teething).

Jo - 28
Dh - 34

[Rach75]

[Rachel - I am happy for you that you have been lucky with your baby but I really do think you are one of very few who have an easy time (I obviously do know that their are some easy bubs & I hope you don't feel I was being horrible).

I was worried you would think I was horrible for my reply no definatly nothing against you I was just a bit taken back by the

I am so sick of hearing new mums say how everything is perfect, we all know they are lying because ALL babies wake up during the night & ALL babies cry.

I think it's about time mums got real & told the truth so we can all be there for each other instead of us feeling as though we aren't as perfect as them.

anyway all good

[monnie]

Hey guys

How's everyone doing?

Mako...how's Sage going? Poor little fellow...teething and needles...same thing happened to Felix! I hope Sage feels like his normal little self soon!

Sazz...I know what you mean about everything taking SO much longer! I still struggle to get out of my pj's before lunch time! I hope the 4 hours crying stops soon. I remember something similar with Felix...5pm-9pm was hard work! But it definitely got better...and now we don't have anything like that!

DJTTC...love what you wrote about baby being easy! Babies are such hard work...but so easy to absolutely love, hey? I still look at Felix and can't quite believe that he exists...

Rach75...that's so great that Jack is doing so well! What a wonderful start! And to cope with the teething so well, that's fantastic!

Willow...so sorry you had to be on the receiving end of that comment. I think it's so important to be real...and say how it REALLY is! It's not negativity, it's realism!

Jason...you sound like a great DH! I agree, the first 6 weeks are the toughest! Definitely! There are little challenges that continue to pop up as bubs grows, but you feel so much more able to cope with it. Hang in there!

Kimnastics...hope all is going well!

Sushee...how you doing chickie? Is Charlie doing any better with his appetite? I'm sure it will sort itself out...

Hope I haven't missed anyone...sorry if I have...

As for us, we're doing well. Starting to feel like we've got more of a grip on things now. In the last 6 months, had a much wanted baby, we've lived with my parents for 4 (had house renovations...moved in with my parents when Felix was 1 week old!), my DH finished his PhD, we moved back home again, my DH got a new job and I went back to work (part-time!)...so are just now feeling like we sort of feel like what's going on! Phew!

[mako]

Hi

I hope you are all having a good weekend.

Sage is still having trouble with his teeth.I just wish it would pop through and we can get our happy little boy back.Its so cruel when he is sleeping soundly and all of a sudden he will let out an almighty scream in pain.To make matters worse I have mastitis again.I just hope it gets better soon.

Monnie You sure have had a very busy 6 months hey.Such exciting times too.I'm pleased that Felix is settling down now too.

Jo I also love what you wrote about babies being easy.
How is Jenna doing? I hope the teething isn't too bad for any of you.

I'd better go as dinner is almost done. mmm. baked dinner.. YUM!!!!

[Rach75]

well we have been busy busy, drove up to rocky (2hrs away) tuesday arvie Jack slept the whole way then when we got there did some errands he was so good we went out for tea happy happy again, makes life a lot easier from when we left till we got back to mums after tea was nearly 6 hrs...then wed we had some shopping to do in morning and a RE appoint in arvie which was running 1 hr 20min behind so odid some flood sight seeing with mum and Jack slept on the drive home he chatted and sang and laughed for the first half then I pulle dover got some nuggets I had cooked out of esky and passed them back to him and that kept him happy for the last hr

then I had 2 days of babysitting I look after a 13mth old 3-5 days aweek so we have been busy busy

[monnie]

Kimnastics...I hear you on the house never been cleaner!!!

I've never cleaned so much (well...except for about a week before Felix was born when I became an obsessional vacuum cleaner-er...think my record was vacuuming 3 times in one day!!!)

Anyway...I'm in such a cleaning mode these days, I even hosted an enjo party on the weekend!!! What's sadder, is that I asked for enjo mop for my birthday!!!

And all with great timing...as Felix started to crawl (well...drag himself around) on the weekend!!!

Very exciting!

And he got his second tooth (thankfully, it was much less painful - on all of us - than the first one!)

Hope everyone is doing well...

I'm hoping we will have some new members in here soon as a few of the pregnancy after LTTTC have just 'graduated'

[mako]

Kimnastics I had to laugh when you mentioned the tufts of dog hair.We also have that problem with our black lab.Luckily Sage isn't crawling yet but it is on most things no matter how much I clean. We are thinking about ripping up the carpet and polishing the boards as they are easier to keep clean.

Monnie What a clever little boy Felix is I bet there will be no stopping him now.So pleased the 2nd tooth was a little kinder for you all too.

Sage's tooth still hasn't popped through yet.It is just soooooo close.I just wish it would break the gum. Some people have suggested that I give him a cold teaspoon to chew on as this apparently helps.I haven't done this as yet but will see what happens over the next week or so.He is back to his normal happy self most of the time now too which is good.

Hope you and bubs are all ok.

[monnie]

Hey Mako

Glad to hear that Sage is back to his happy self...teething is horrible, hey? But hopefully you are past the worst of it...

We've got a dog with black hair too...the number of times Felix has been on his tummy and looked up with black dog hair around his mouth!!!

Not a good look!

[sazzafrazz]

LOL with the dog hair ... we have two dogs, one lab/kelpie one kelpie/****zu and they shed like mad. It is weird how it gets up on top of cupboards and everywhere. Im pretty sure the dogs cant get up there hehe. When we bought this place it had cream carpet throughout and we only have it in the bedrooms now: we polished the boards. Much easier but it is a lot noisier too and draughty in winter also. Cant have it all!

On the weekend I had a "very protective parent" moment. All the inlaws invited themselves over AGAIN and the 8yr old nephew wanted a hold of Celeste. I set him up on the lounge next to his aunt (she is handicapped and not that responsible) His mum paid no attention after that at all and he started to let her slide off his lap when he had had enough. I couldnt get to her quickly cause bloody MIL was blocking the way. I nearly footy bumped her out of the way but she got to Celeste first and caught her just as she almost went off the lounge. She passed her to me but wouldnt let go. I just snapped at her "Ive GOT her!!!" which was a bit mean but I was pretty upset just then. I didnt let anyone else hold her after that. (To top it off, the mother of the kid also spilt coffee all over the new floor rug and the other kid nearly broke my globe of the world on the coffee table.) I guess it is a normal protective parent thing to do but I wondered if I was a bit more possessive of her cause of the LTTTC thing? Normally I am very relaxed about Celeste which people have commented on but I turned into a stressed mum just then!

Child nurse at our new mums group warns against trying to be supermum and not giving ourselves time for us. She said those who try to do it will usually get to around 4 or 5 months and have a total burn out which often leads to PND. Definately something to avoid. So far I havent been away from Celeste at all. Once DH stayed outside the shops with her while I dashed in but that is all. I know I should trust him with her more but I know what she needs much better than he does (cause Ive spent all day everyday with her) and I see him trying things I know she doesnt need before he works out what it is she does want. It seems unfair on her if I dont let him know what she needs, but unfair on him if I dont let him learn for himself so that Im not telling what to do all the time. Its a tricky one and I havent got the hang of it yet.

Hope the teething sorts itself out soon- sounds awful for the poor little men!

Hello to all!!!

[secochook]

Sazz - I know what you are saying regarding knowing what Celeste wants more than DH but I would encourage that you let him give it a go and learn too. Hopefully he will take advice and learn. It would be better for your sanity if he can shoulder some of the tasks. My DW is happy to do this and she has been able to get out a few times. She has the phone in case a feed is in order though.

Well Luisa has been going great guns at this growing caper. She has put on 2kgs since birth going from the 10th percentile to the 50th. She is also in the 90th percentile for her height, so she will be a tall girl if she keeps it up.

We went to the Western Force game on Sunday. It all went well except that the wife of a work friend who came to the game decided to have a freak out when DW went to change Luisa and didn't come back straight away. She was trying to get me to go look for them. Now I am not a 21 yo newlywed and we both have mobile phones if there was a problem. After 12 years of marriage I think we know each other well. Of course there was no problem, DW was just up behind our seats standing and watching the game and giving Luisa time to get over her reflux issues. But it made me unsettled. I appreciate that we are new to the parenting but we do have age and commonsense on our side.

Well my rant for the day!

[monnie]

Hey Sazz

Sorry to hear about Celeste's potential fall...it's scary isn't it? We've had a situation like that too. DH's 9 year old niece was holding Felix and panicked when she thought he had wet through his nappy...and literally threw him to the ground. DH and I were in such shock. Thankfully we were down the beach and he landed on sand but it was a huge thud...and very scary! It's so hard trying to get the balance right of wanting people to be involved (e.g. our niece) but knowing when to draw the line.

I think your child health nurse is so right though. I know I really started to cocoon myself in recent months...wanting to keep Felix at home just in case I upset his routine. But what ended up happening is that I became more and more insular...and a little resentful too. My only outlet was bellybelly...and although it's great, it's cyber-life. Thankfully, my Mum had a really good chat to me and encouraged me to get out more.

I feel so much better as a result. I've started to do a few little things just for myself and actually feel like a much more balanced Mum now.

I too would encourage you to give DH a go. You're right, he doesn't know Celeste like you do...so giving him some practice would be fantastic. No doubt, it would help with his confidence too. And it would be great for you...just plan a little trip out...but I'd encourage you do something for yourself.

What about if he took her for a walk so you can have a little sleep in?

It's hard...but I think in the long run, it's worth it.

Take care chickie!