Thanks everyone for your wonderful words of support. They really mean a lot to me.
I have decided to take today off work as a mental health day... I am just not up to facing the world at the moment so I have cocooned myself away inside the house. I am really feeling the hurt of this one so much more than the others. It is at this point that I don't even know how I can continue on with this. It is so heartbreaking. I think David was really trying to tell me yesterday that there is a chance of us falling pg but in reality the odds are long, very long, for ladies like me who are 'older'. I am beginning to face the realisation that I will never be a mother and my wonderful, amazing and sexy DF will never be a father
But no matter how much I think that there is a chance if we continue with IVF, that won't improve our chances and we will most likely be delaying the inevitable outcome. David tried to talk to us about donor eggs yesterday. That was a conversation that I wasn't ready for - we had gone from amazing news of 4 eggs collected on Friday - our best cycle yet - to donor eggs. I was in shock already from being told no transfer but to have that put on me as well... well let's just say I didn't cope very well. David also said that the embie which was transferred on cycle #2 probably shouldn't have been transferred because it probably wasn't growing properly, just as our last embie had done. I didn't think at the time, but on reflection MIVF told us it was a grade 1 embie - the best possible, so I am having trouble equating what David said and was implying that, despite the protocol used, the outcome was always going to be the same because of my eggs.
But having had 3 hours drive back and most of last night to think about it, even if DF was comfortable with donor eggs (and he isn't) then we don't know anyone who could/would donate. I don't have any sisters. All of my cousins, who I haven't had any contact with for at least 10 years, are my age anyway. And ditto for my friends. One friend did offer, but she is the same age as me and did several cycles of IVF unsuccessfully so the chances of her eggs being better than mine are slim - there are also lifestyle factors to consider which I don't want to get into here, but let's just say she is enjoying being single again and likes a champers or two!
Anyway, I am rambling now. I don't mean to off load all of this on you all but you are the only people I know who will understand what we are going through. Both DFand I were still in shock from yesterday and he has had to go back to Sydney for work today, so we haven't really had a chance to talk about our next move, if any. And the reality is that we cannot continue to push ourselves further into debt in some hope of conceiving. We have a life we want to live; a wedding we want to plan; an overseas trip that we have booked and paid a deposit on next year... but it seems so hard to close this chapter in our lives knowing that "this is it - there is no turning back" so there has to be no regrets. Is that really possible?