[krisp]

Oh dear, I hear so much pain in your words. I have replied to you before but I wanted to explain a bit more.
I had my son via an emergency CS under a general anasthetic. I did not meet him until almost 2 hours after he was born. He spent this time bonding with his Daddy. DH got to give him his first bath, dress him in his first wondersuit, give him his first cuddle and kiss, tell him his first "I love you" and change his nappies for the first 2 days, all those firsts that Mummys are "supposed" to get. For a long time I felt disconnected. I would look at him and wonder "is this my baby'? I even asked my DH if he was sure he stayed with him the whole time and he was positive that know one switched him for another baby as I thought I would be overcome with all these intense feelings of love and they just weren't there. I had to give myself time to get to know my baby and learn to love him, it wasn't instant. There were times when I thought is he really mine?
My DS has a very close relationship with my DH. It is Daddy he calls for when he wakes up in the night, it is Daddy he cries for when he leaves to go to work. It is Daddy he yells when he hears a car outside. I don't really mind, I know he loves me, when the chips are down and he hurts himself it's Mummy he wants to kiss and cuddle him to make it better!
The relationship I have with my DD is very different (she was a VBAC). She adores me and doesn't really settle for her Daddy. It's me she cries for when she wakes at night and one snuggle from her Mummy makes everything alright. I try desperately not to play favourites but I have to wonder is it because we had that precious bonding and BF time immediately after she was born that she seems to be more attached to me. It was her Mummy that she smelt and heard first, I am her first memory.
It all seems so complicated and confusing, but it does get easier. Perhaps I feel more at peace with the disaster of DS birth now that I have experienced a vaginal birth. Perhaps it's just time, I don't know. The most important thing is that I have 2 beautiful and wonderful children and I feel so amazingly blessed and fortunate.