Babies Born March 2006 #8

[Jennifer13]

Hi girls

Sorry I have been a bit quiet too! Worked a bit extra over the last couple of weeks before DD's babysitter went o/s for a month. She's now at preschool 2 days a week, how lucky was the coincidence that they had an extra day starting now! We feel especially grateful knowing how many families must be looking around with all the problems with ABC centres.

Kas - sounds like Brad is very excited about his bday. And I hope that monitoring Liam shows that he's fine but just a bit slower to grow. Hope he doesn't mind the blood tests too much (altho isn't it great what lolly bribes can get them to put up with now?). Sounds like Liam has gotten the idea of TT and won't be long until he's in big boy undies too!

Kaz - Hope the travelling was fun! How did the girls like it? Good luck with TT now you're back. Not sure on chewing the dummy. Lucy gave hers up at the start of the year, just after Xmas. Actually, it was almost an accident here, I forgot to give it to her one nap time. Since she eventually slept fine that day, I didn't give it to her for her nap for the week and after that success took it off her at night time. The first night was fine, the second she fussed for about 10 mins and then it wasn't an issue. It was a bit more gradual, doing nap time first and then night time.

On the TT front - Lucy has finally started telling me when she needs to go and is capable of holding on for a few minutes after telling me so I can get her to the toilet on time. She told me when we had just headed off in the car the other day, but held on until I got back home thankfully! It's still a bit of a lucky chance to get her to do #2s in the toilet and not just wait until she's wearing a nappy at nap time. She did it yesterday before her nap and we had our first successful 'no nappy at nap time' day! Lots of praise and a call to Daddy and Nana for extra praise. I know she is dry during nap time almost all of the time, it's just the #2s that are tricky!

Countdown to Xmas is on in this household. I can't believe how quickly Lucy has gotten the hang of the whole thing! We went into the city on the weekend and saw the Xmas windows at David Jones. Her little eyes were so wide and she looked at each of them for ages. They had people dressed as an elf, a fairy, a cat and a seal (? what do they have to do with Xmas???) handing out balloons and we tropped upstairs to Santa's Magic Cave. The line was about 200 long by this stage, so we told Lucy "Santa was very busy" today and we'd come back another time. She's been talking about it ever since, how busy Santa is making presents, etc, etc. Soooo funny! Oh, and I've jumped on board the bribery bandwagon, Santa brings presents for GOOD girls and good girls go to bed quickly, eat their dinner/lunch, clean up their toys. Honestly, six weeks of motivating her to be good for Santa - this is wonderful!!! We figure we'll keep up the momentum with a letter to write to Santa telling her what she likes, putting up the Xmas tree first weekend of Dec, the Advent calendar she chose, etc, etc.

Me, I'm busy with work. It's the 9th anniversary of when DP and I got together on the 20th so we're going to go out just the two of us. Things have been going pretty well at home, we've both been making a big effort and are a lot happier. We are planning on having a holiday after Xmas, not sure where or when, we'll do a last minute thing. DP's brother got engaged to his gf on their holiday o/s (he proposed at the Eiffel Tower - how romantic is that?) and since DP and his brother haven't spoken for over 2 years I'm hoping this is a chance to smooth things over. He's going to call him this weekend to congratulate him. Soooo over DP's hassles with his family and it's #$%@!! MIL that causes the majority. I'm hoping he and his brother can learn to ignore what she says about the other and get along better.

Anyway, better go, plenty of work to do. Hope you're all well!

[kazaraz]

Oh Jen, how much does your life and your dp's problems with his brother mirror my husbands! He and his brother had a big falling out, because of their mum, she like to tell stories and cause problems ... no idea why, and then blame it all on ME! So we havent spoken to any of them for a couple of months ... which was fine and we were getting used to the idea when we get a call last Monday to say that one of my dh's brothers twins had died (3 months old).

So hard .... because we arent or werent on speaking terms, trying to find out when funerals and things are so hard. MIL rang yesterday to fill us in, havent heard from brother in law cept once when my dh rang him and he asked if we wanted to see the baby. But we havent heard anything more. So so hard. Feel like a fraud going to the funeral in lots of ways, but if we dont go then they would hold it against us!

Families ... why cant they be like mine! We get on well!

[Jennifer13]

Oh Kaz, what an awful situation... If you don't mind, I'll tell my DP about it, 'cause I think it might be a bit of a reminder as to why he and his brother should patch things up and leave his mother out of their relationship. I've been pushing it from my DD's point of view, that she should know her uncle and aunt and cousins (if they have kids), but his puts it back onto him too.

Hope you and your DH get through the funeral okay. I think you should definitely go.

[kazaraz]

Thanks Jen, its nice, well not nice, but a relief to know we are not the only people that have a strained relationships with their family. You start questioning what type of people you are when you are not on speaking terms I think. I hate it. BUt things have been said by MIL that I am going to have a hard time getting over. I dont think there is any going back for us, but we will see what mass and the funeral are like. Who knows! My husband it very anti making up with her, he really cannot stand her. The problems started before I come along, its just now that I am here, I am someone she can blame for all of the problems!

[Jennifer13]

Oh I so hear you! My MIL and DP have had problems, she has had problems with his brother as well. Years of not speaking at one point (who does that ?). But after MIL and DP had a nasty argument MIL chose to blame me in a very lengthy email for ALL of their problems!! Even though I hadn't gotten involved once (and had just had a baby, but why should I think that bought me any leeway?!). She sent an email that was pages long about how things had always been fine between DP and her before I came along (haha, talk about re-writing history) and how he would be sorry, that I would screw him over, take all his money, etc, etc. I was very hurt and I will require an apology before any bridges can be built here. Personally, I don't think it's worth the hassle, she'll do it again and I don't want to take the chance that next time DD is more involved and old enough to understand. His brother on the other hand, well, his Mum just rang him and told him how horrible 'we' were being and they had a fight. If they chose to ignore their mother they would just have normal (frequent) fights, but none of this 'no speak-y' idiocy! His brother is a bit of a tool, but nothing you couldn't put up with long-term.

Sorry to ramble on, but we've just had ANOTHER email from MIL this week trying to get around our request to not bring presents every time she sees DD and we have to say 'no'. We're expecting a tantrum or sulks from her tonight... Great.

[kazaraz]

Oh Jen ... the joys of family! So we were all prepared to go to our nieces funeral on Thursday (it was on Friday) when we get a phone call from the FIL saying that DH's brother has called and ask that we dont take our girls. We werent initially taking them, but then decided to as we felt uncomfortable leaving them with someone they havent stayed with before. So we were offended and decided not to go. I then got talking to a good friend and she wasnt working and offered to have them, so we ended up going in the end. There were other kids at the funeral, obviously they didnt get the message! We thought it was their subtle way of trying to make sure I didnt go, as it was mentioned that Bruno at least should go alone! Anyway we go to the funeral, horribly sad and our hearts went out to them. They said that the family, name them all, grandparents, aunties ... but no mention of her one and only uncle Bruno. I feel so sorry for him. So now, my dh's parents seem to think all is forgiven and want us to go out for dinner. They rang again today twice. We just are not in that place, but have made excuses twice. I said to my dh how do I forgive her for the horrible things she has said and trouble she has caused. He said he would never expect or want me to. So we are kind of in limbo now, not sure what we are going to do about it. FIL said he will call this week to see if we can organise something for next weekend.

Any thoughts??

[Jennifer13]

Oh Kaz, I am glad you went along. I am not surprised they didn't mention your DH. Mostly it's important that you were a presence and that's the best way to show your support. It sounds like your ILs are feeling they need to smooth things over, and it's probably because your niece's death has reminded them of how fragile life is and the importance of family. They want to see their other granddaughters.

HOWEVER it in no way excuses their treatment of you before (IMO). We have a visitation thing set up where my MIL comes once fortnight for an hour or so to play with DD and that's it. It's civil (she still manages to show a lack of respect for our requests, but at least the boundaries stay in place) and more importantly, gives DD a chance to have (closely monitored) relationship with her grandmother. Figure out what you could stand and how you could best work within some set of boundaries for your DDs' sake is my advice. If you don't think there's any way you can have any kind of relationship with your ILs without your DDs being emotionally traumatised as well as yourselves, then it's not appropriate. If there is a way, I'd encourage you to try it.

(I always remember my parents having troubles with certain members of my extended family and letting it affect how often we as children saw them. As an adult, I am close to ALL of my extended family and I don't particularly care what my parents' problems with them were. I resent the fact that I did not see them as much as I would have liked because of my parents. My other sisters are not as close, but they had even less interaction as they are younger than I am. So on the flip side, I think it is important as a child to know your family, as long as this is healthy or balanced.)

[kazaraz]

I think the reason I am having such a hard time with it Jen, is that the last time we seen them before all of this, MIL told us she didnt care if she never seen the girls again! So I was right, if she wants it that way then she will get it that way. She is such a nasty piece of work, I think the supervised visits might be the only way to go. We definately dont want her alone with the girls, who knows what she would do. There is no trust there whatsoever. As for dinner ... we still havent decided what we are going to do about this weekend.

In other news, I spent yesterday afternoon ringing around childcare centres. I think I will put Mia in for 1 day a week for a little break for me and some stimulation for her. She is so bored. I rang ABC as they are just around the corner. We dont know whether its a good idea to send her there with the uncertaintly. But the girl said they are still taking bookings into next year. I would prefer two half days, but no one seems to do them in VIC. I still feel a bit bad about it, especially the money side ($75) a day. I have to ring to see what we would get back on that. I didnt want to send her until she was 3 and could go to kinder, which isnt far away anyway. BUt we are driving each other mad!

Anyway, how are you and the fam?

[Jennifer13]

I think the reason I am having such a hard time with it Jen, is that the last time we seen them before all of this, MIL told us she didnt care if she never seen the girls again!

This is EXACTLY what my MIL said to DP when she threw a tantrum after having a big argument with him. BUT we told her that was her choice and we would never stop her seeing our DD. She didn't see us for months (it was bliss!) but then got back in touch. Because we had been the ones who said we would never stop her seeing DD we got to stay on the moral high ground and keep control of the situation. So we did the supervised visits. She's made noises in the past about looking after her so we could go out, or taking her for a day a week, etc, but TBH I don't think it's come up since the falling out. And if it had have, we'd have just smiled politely and said, "That's okay, we have enough care for Lucy and plenty of friends who help us out when we want to go out." Not entirely true, but we do get out occasionally!

Just a tip, dinner is a bit full-on when you haven't seen them for so long. Plus, the girls will be in bed anyway. I'd suggest morning or afternoon tea instead, the excuse being that the girls will be up and they can play with them (and no nap time to get in the way). That way, it is limited to a shorter time, it's not about what you and DH say to them and sets the tone if you would like the relationship to be with your DDs, while you consider how you feel.

Good luck.

[kazaraz]

Good point .. we have already had the uncomfortable dinner with the godparents and inlaws, them at one end of the table and us at the other. there is no easy way is it, it all involves give and take i guess.

i am having a blah day today!

[Jennifer13]

family problems are the pits. We've been at it for 2 years now and I'm sooooo over it! It caused so much stress in the first 6 mths of Lucy's life, I can't get over it fully myself. :shrugs: guess it just shows how we won't do things for our children...

[kas]

Hi Kaz and Jen,

Firstly i am sorry to hear about the passing of your niece Kaz. As hard as it may have been for you and DH to go (depite the fact your DH was not mentioned) i think you did the right thing by going IMO.

I agree with both of you families can be painstakingly annoying. DH and myself have been at some distance to his dad for some time. Without going into it, his dad used and abused our generosity and when he was good and ready off he went. No thanks, no apology and no explanation. He doesn't see what he has done, and now with a new wife on the scene she has full control...needless to say none of his children like her. They live about 5 hours away and at present are not happy because non of us go to visit or want to go there for xmas....why would we when we are all here, my family is here and DH's mum is here!!! Not to mention forgetting Brad's birthday last year. Gave all the kids xmas presents and Brad's cousin a very early b'day present but no ackowledgement of Brad's which was only 2 weeks before. Blah blah blah....im starting to get annoyed just thinking of them...so onto better things.

Jen, an idea for you. Not only do my kids write a letter to santa they also get one in return. Santa tells them he has been watching them and asks for milk not beer and please no cookies as he will be too heavy for the reindeers to pull if he eats at every house. Last year he even explained that he promised only to come in the front door and not go upstairs (Brad was worried old Santa would creep into his room and he wasn't feeling overly safe about that) as he knew the alarm would be on. He also commented on what he had seen the kids doing over the year and the lead up to xmas. Brad loves it and thinks its really cool. i think Liam will enjoy it this year also.

We are going camping tomorrow for the weekend with friends from school. i am not a camper but am looking forward to the social aspect of it. Just pray it doesnt rain all weekend. On and off is ok but not whilst setting or packing up.

Take care

[kazaraz]

Hey girls, reading your post Kas I just realised no one seems to be immune to the dreaded family. I understand what you say about getting steamed up just talking about it. I had a chat to a girlfriend yesterday and filled her in. I found that everything that MIL has said come flooding back. I said to my DH I just cant go back. She has said some really hurtful things and I cant seem to get past them (like that my DH is 2 good for me and that he is going to leave me for someone else when someone better comes along! And that even my parents hate me, not true of course!). SO I said to him if he wants to have contact and the kids to see them then I am fine with it. I will just make myself scarce and they can come over every 2 weeks like you do Jen. He totally blew that out of the water and said he doesnt want to go back to having a relationship with them unless his mother seeks help and admits to what she has done! Which will never happen. So apparently his Dad has rang him this morning to organise dinner for tomorrow night and my DH said no we wont be going. He then apparently let his dad have it ... again about everything. Including the fact that all the drama the MIL has caused, causing him never to get to hold his niece! We seen her once when she was first born.

Anyway ... I could just talk about this subject for hours. It gets me so riled up. I have been trying really hard to forget about them and it was working. BUt the babies death kind of brought it all back into our lives.

So completely off of the subject ... Mia is being a whinger ninja today. First it was get up and make my breakfast, which she didnt eat. Now its pick me up, because she is scared of a cartoon. Everything scares her these days!

Toilet training is going well, been in nickers since the beginning of the week. She trots off to the potty when she needs to wee. Has trouble getting her pants down though, so I need to help. She refuses to pooh on the toilet and waits till I put a nappy on her at sleep time! Then last night, after a week of no accidents she sat on a chair and did a wee .... I suppose one accident in a week isnt anything to stress about. I explained to her that she did a good job going and doing wees on the potty and that is where she needs to go. She is pretty up with that.

ON a crappy note ... I have the dentist tonight. I am a bit worried, as there is a small chance I could be pregnant. Do you know if they will still do fillings if you are???

As I said small chance!

Anyway girls, hope you are well and that your little munchkins are happy and behaving for you!

K x

PS This is my favourite chat group .... you both seem so much on my wavelenght!

[Jennifer13]

Hi girls

Kas - sorry to thear you have family dramas too. what is it with some ppl's parents??! I love the idea of a letter from Santa, I'll mention it to DP as he wants to do the letter to Santa. We are going down to one of our local shopping centres on Sunday as Santa is arriving in style at 11am and I know Lucy will love that. We'll see if she's game enough to have her photo taken with him or not!

Kaz - I think fillings are fine when you're pg. Just mention there's a chance of that to your dentist beforehand. I had a CT scan of my jaw yesterday to get the all clear for a tooth implant to be done (starting in Jan), so I feel like I'm almost at the end of all of the work on my mouth (finally!).

Just quickly, everything is good here. DP and I are doing so much better in our relationship (counselling helped a lot). He's being incredibly sweet and bought me a dozen red roses yesterday for our anniversary (9 years since we got together, I can hardly believe it!). We're going out for a fancy dinner tonight and both really looking forward to it. I have the AO forum here on BB to thank for getting us re-connected as well!!

Must go, work to do while the kids are napping. We have Lucy's little friend Angus here on a Friday and boy do they wear each other out - thankfully!

[kazaraz]

Hey girls, how are you? All is good here, having a nice bit of quiet time whilst both girls are asleep. We went and had lunch with dh today, which was something a bit different. Mia wanted to go back and get her daddy though when we left.

Jen great to hear things are going well for you marriage wise. The roses sound lovely and its nice to see romance is alive in the world. Its our anniversary on the 10th of December, 3 years for us! We had only been together a few months when we fell pregnant with Mia, so we have fit a fair bit in in the few years we have been together!

Mia is still doing well with tt. She even went shopping with nickers on yesterday and had a sleep with them on. Granted Bruno did forget to put a nappy on. But no wees, so that was good. Amazed at how easy its been this try. She is obviously ready.

Tay has started waking during the night again. Not happy. But I think she is cutting her eye teeth.

Anyway hope your well. Better go and clean a bit more before the babies wake.

K x

[Jennifer13]

Hi girls

Just a quick one to say well done to Mia for sleeping without her nappy!

We are a bit hit and miss still at sleep time. She seems to be having the occasional issue with #2s on the toilet and that's completely messing with her ability to sleep dry... We'll see how it goes over the next couple of weeks, but I gotta say, I'm a bit sick of washing sheets!

[kazaraz]

Hi Girls ... just a quickie because I have heaps to do. The dishwasher is waiting to be stacked, I have a load of washing to put on and the loungeroom floor is covered with toys that need to be picked up. Also need to fold some washing before the next lot is finished! It never ends.

I went to the shops today and picked up all of our christmas laybys. My god. The trolley was so full Mia had to walk and Tay was surrounded by parcels! It was sooooo hard, and I will never again go with the girls. They were brilliant and really well behaved, I just didnt have enough hands. I had to put Mia into the boot, hold the trolley with my foot whilst Tay was still in there and unload the parcels.

Anyway, I am sure that you would both agree with me that motherhood is a constant juggling act at the best of times!

As for sleep times ... I am sure it will happen for you soon Jen. I guess its a really big thing for them going from nappies to the potty. We had an accident with Mia yesterday. She wet herself and I got her to take her jeans and nickers off as I was changing Tay ... Mia has more in her pants than just wees. Woops. Pooh in the carpet after Mia trod in it and me holding my very unco-operative one year old on the change table made for an interesting afternoon! Mia freaked out though, it surprised me at how upset she got.

Anyway ... back to training. I am sure the kids will get there in the end.

Hope you are all well.

K x

[kas]

Kaz, dont stress about the TT. Liam is still in nappies 95% of the time. i think he is just too lazy or busy playing to think about going to potty unless we are doing a nappy change or having a bath or shower. As long as i have in TT by the start of next year i will be happy as the pre school i am hoping to get him into will only take them if they are TT. They cant actually offer him a place until the day he turns 3. So at this point in time all i know is that he is in the next handful of kids to be offered a spot once they are 3. So i can only hope some kids end up going to school (yes some parents are still undecided) or move away or change thier minds. Considering preschool starts the week before Liams birthday i am 80% sure he will get in, plus alot of friends have got kids there and say that they always have changes at the start of the year and vacancies open up and he will definately get in ......so .

jen i was glad to see that you and DP are getting back on track. How was your dinner, and roses as well you lucky girl!

I am getting out one of my 2 laybys this week so i can go through it all. The other is a trampoline so that can wait another week or so till hubby can take the trailer to get it and hopefully hide it so there is no chance of the kids finding it lying around at home. How we are going to put it up without them knowing is my next challenge?!?!?!?

Gotta go
take care