My boy Xavier ( warning VERY long!)

[traceyvon]

Hi all,

My son Xavier was born 10 weeks ago now and I am still recovering emotionally from his birth experience. I am writing this down to get it off my chest and to gain a little perspective.

On Wednesday 23rd January I was still two weeks away from my due date. My husband and I were renovating the laundry so the house would be ready for bubs when he arrived. I was determined to have a ?natural birth? had researched it, read and practiced all of the exercise in the Pink Kit and was ready for what I was anticipating would be a wonderful experience for me and my husband. Anyway?during the day I noticed the bubs had not moved at all?this was extremely unusual as he had been very active from the moment I could feel him move. So I rang the hospital and they said to come in and they would check on him. My DH and I picked up the car from the mechanics (it was being serviced) and I drove us to the hospital. When we got there the midwife Julie hooked us up to the CTG machine to check the heart beat and there it was, I could breathe. She said to push the button when he moved and she would be back in 15-20 min. When she came back she noted that there had been no movement and I had a glass of cold water to see if that worked?still nothing. She said we would give it another 15-20 min. When she came back again still no movement, so she decided to call the OB on call. At no time was it mentioned to me that his heart beat was too fast, but I remember pointing it out to DH and saying that it seemed too high, but as the midwife did not say anything I thought it was OK. The OB arrived looked at the CTG and said that things did not look good. Bubs heart beat was at 175bpm but they would keep me on the CTG and see what happened. I would probably be staying in overnight and they would re-assess in the morning. About ? hr later he came back and said that he had spoken to head OB at another hospital who said the baby had been in distress for too long and had to come out so they were taking me to theatre for a c-section. DH and I were in total shock. We had only come in because he was not moving, we were not expecting this! I did not want this at all, I wanted the natural birth, we were not ready, we did not have any bags with us or cameras! Suddenly we were both on our phones calling people to tell them what was going on and I rang my mum to bring in my hospital bag and camera.

All too quickly I was taken to theatre. DH got dressed in this gown while I was given the epi. I have to say all the theatre staff were great and out midwife Julie staying with my the entire time. Before I knew what was happening I was on my back, DH was bought in to sit next to me and they were cutting me open. Xavier was born at 10.50pm on the 23rd January 2008 not breathing and had to be resustated. DH went to cut the cord and bring him over to me for a quick kiss before he was taken away to the SCN as there was meconium in the waters and he was in respiratory distress. I was stapled up and taken to recovery. I was the last patient for the night so I had 4 nurses keeping me company. On the way back to the ward they kindly wheeled my bed into the SCN so I could see Xavier for a moment. I was unable to hold him as he was hooked up to oxygen. I was wheeled into the ward where I tried to sleep. But this was only the start of things to happen. The doctor told us afterwards that if I had not come in when I did, Xavier would have probably died in the next 24 hours, so I will forever be grateful that I listened to my body.

The next morning at 6.00am the SCN nurse came to tell me that Xavier had gotten worse during the night and was now on 65% oxygen and had to be transferred to RHS hospital. DH had been called to come in as he was to go with Xavier and I would be transferred sometime later that day. The NETS team came to get him and off they went at about 10.30am. I was transferred at about midday. When I got to RHS DH came to see me to tell me there were further complications and they thought it had something to do with his blood and they were doing lots of tests. I wanted to go up and see my little boy but was told no as they were dong tests on him. I lost it at this point and spent the next 2 hours crying. I had only spent about 5 min with him since he was born and I only kissed up. Eventually I was taken up and was shocked at what I saw. My little boy was covered in wires. He has a feeding tube down his throat, a drip in his foot, he had bruises on his head that I found out were due to the forceps that were used during the birth and bruises on both hands, he arms and feet where they had tried to get in the drip, but his veins kept shutting down. I just wanted to break down, but I remained strong for my little boy. I was able to hold his hand for a little while before I was taken back to my room. Later that night we were informed that he had to be transferred again, this time to NICU Westmead Children?s Hospital. This was because his problems were due to his blood and they could not deal with them there. So the next day we moved hospitals again. DH and Xavier went with the NETS team and I followed about and hour later to the main hospital and put in the maternity ward. Thank god I was put in a private room and it was starting to get to me that all the other women could show off their new baby to friends and family, where as I could not. 3 days after he was born I was allowed to hold my son. It was a daunting experience as he had lots of wires and tubes; I did not want to hurt him. 4 days after he was born I got the chance to attempt to breastfeed him. It took some time but we got the hang of it and we are still going strong.

DH came to get me as soon as he could and we hunted down a wheel chair as it was a 15min walk to the children?s hospital. This is how we spent the next 5 days walking back and forth several times a day, while they did tests to try and find out what was happening. One week after he was born I was discharged (I was diagnosed with a blood clot and had to stay in longer). I was determined not to go home without my baby so was stayed in the parent hostel. On the same day he was moved to High Dependency and he was taken off the monitors. It was a monumental moment in my sons? life. He looked like a normal baby. I was able to dress him, change him when he needed it and pick him up without asking. But the most exciting thing was that were given a pram to borrow and take him for a walk. We had to stay in the hospital, but still?I had my son to myself, it was the most amazing feeling. On Thursday night we stayed in the parent?s room. This is in the NICU High Dependency area; just like a small hotel room really we slept with Xavier for the first time just to make sure it was all OK. As the nurse told me it is more for the parents then the babies.

The next day we were discharged as there were no medical reasons for us to stay, but they still don?t know what went wrong. They took DNA from all of us or testing to see if they could find out the problem. It appears that is it blood related. When the babies are in the womb they produce baby blood, when they are born they start producing adult blood. The suspect that Xavier?s baby blood was ?stuffed up? and that he would have indeed died had he not been born. He was getting better on his own as the baby blood was replaced by the adult blood. We go back to the hospital on Tuesday for the results from the DNA, talk about his future and also any siblings as there is a 1 in 4 chance they may also be born with it. There is no way they can determine if the next bubs has it, so there is talk of a c-section at 36 weeks. That is something I am going to have to come to terms with in my own time.

I am seeing a professional who is helping me deal with all the emotions and grief that I am experiencing at the moment. The hospitals were great and the nurses in the NICU are simply amazing.

Xavier is doing well now, to look at him you would never know what we experienced, he is a healthy 10 week old baby who can hold his head up, smile when he sees me and tries his best to talk to me. I love him with all of my heart.

[Jas]

I was crying reading that! I can't really imagine how hard that would be but

YOU SAVED YOUR CHILDS LIFE

He wouldn't be here to smile and talk to you if it wasn't for your actions and although that doesn't fix the trauma of it all it is pretty amazing

[Nai]

It is a very traumatic story but you were able to listen to your body and have Xavier born in time. I too wanted the natural birth but also due to foetal distress had to have an unplanned c/s. You do feel ripped off and cheated but at the end of it all, what really matters is a live and healthy mother an baby. It will take you time to come to terms with that but that WILL happen.

[Meluchja]

Wow you should be so proud of yourself. Even your DH for that matter. What an amazing women you are for all that you have done so far for your little boy. I hope you know that. Literally your motherly instinct saved your little boys life. I can only imagine how you much be feeling, so happy that he is here but so scared of what might have happened. You and your DH are so strong for each other. Xavier, has two great parents indeed. Well done and congrats on the birth of your baby boy. Wow is all I can say.

[~Trish~]

What an amazing story! That must have been so terrifying for you. I am so sorry you didn't get the birth experience you wanted, but I am so happy to hear you now have a happy and healthy little boy. Be proud of yourself for following your instincts and being the reason why your little one is alive and well today .

[Lulu2]

WOw, it's too early in the morning to have my pants scared off! OMG - well done on listening to yourself, hope you are recovering well physically too.

It must have been so hard not to be able to hold him for so long, you did an amazing job holding yourself together.
*goes to make a calming cup of tea*

[MistyFying]

What a stressful, difficult time you've had. I'm so glad you're on the road to healing now. And what a precious little gift Xavier is

[kimbaz]

Wow....i was chocking back tears....im so glad to hear Xavier is going well now. He truely is an amzing fighter. You trusted your body and today you have a DS to show.....all the best for the future

[blackduckies]

Hi, I definately understand the need to get it off your chest, it is the most emotional/frightening experience ever imagineable, not to be sure what is going to happen to a loved one, especially your child. I had a traumatic experience also and know how it feels to be swept off your feet and be completely unprepared, I had been in labour with my daughter for 8 hours when it was decided that a C-section was needed, she had just been delivered when a nurse came and got my husband my little boy who was 15 months old had been brought into emergency by his nan and pa and was in a bad way, my husband went to be with him, in the meantime I had a severe hem and was having blood he finally came back that evening to tell me our big baby was really sick but no one knew why?? They were having trouble stabilizing him, I got to see him the next morning while incubated just before they flew out to Royal Childrens, I did'nt see my big baby or my husband until they came home from hospital 10 days later, he was unwell for approx 2 months and our poor baby girl did'nt have a name for 3 weeks!!!

It is great your are seeing someone, sometimes the feelings take a while to surface, I think I felt in shock for a while and the first few months of my little girls life was a bit of a daze, I definatley feel it has made me appreciate my children so much more and realize life can be fleeting, I also decided to go back for another baby, so many things seemed no longer important eg: money, travel, big house, my family is what matters so we are going from 3 to 4 kids now.

In time you will come to terms with the need for the C-section and you are very in touch with your body to notice the change so quickly. You indeed saved you little boys life. I hope you get to experience what it is to be able to labour and give birth to your next baby, but if you can't, just remember you are doing the best by your baby and to have them here is the most precious gift ever!!!!
Good luck in your recovery and I am very glad Xavier is doing so well. Congratulations.

[monnie]

What an amazing woman you are...

And your little Xavier is just an absolute trooper!

You gave him life and then gave it to him again!

I truly hope the counselling is healing for you.

Take care.

[traceyvon]

Thank you all so very much for your kind words. It is wonderful to get supoort and emapthy off people I have never met! You will all never know how much it means to me.

It is still along way to recovery for all of us as there are still so many unanswered questions about Xaviers blood disorder, what it means for him and any siblings. Hopefully we will recieve some answers on Thusday when we go back to the hospital.

Whenever I start feeling sad I just look at him and remember that he is here and it is all worth it in the end.

Tracey

[Wiggle's Mum]

I am so sorry that you had such a horrible experience and I am glad that Xavier is doing so well! Also, well done for sharing your story, I hope it helps in the healing process!

good on you for seeing a counseller and for talking about it. Congratulations on wonderful Xavier by the way. Despite all the trauma you went through you have your little miracle and I am sure looking at him just makes you realise how lucky you are to have him in your arms. Birth can be so surreal. I had pre eclampsia for my first and like you, I went to hospital, routine visit and ended up having my baby that weekend after a lot (full) intervention and I had also been planning a natural birth. I guess for both of us it could have been worse but we are lucky despite our war stories. I hope you and your family have a wonderful life together. Take care