Getting over my experience... 6 weeks on

[ren]

I've been trying to ignore and play down the effect getting my perineum stitched had on me but I think I need to try and work trough it- I truly felt what I would best describe as medically raped and it's affecting me

Firstly I thought my labour and birth went really well and I am very proud. I birthed my son drug free with the wonderful support of my H, our doula Kelly and a fabulous birth centre midwife. Towards the end though I had been pushing for over 2 hours and hospital policy was that I had to be transferred out of the birth centre and I'd most likely be hit up for an episiotomy and vacuum. So I pushed super, super hard as I wanted to avoid the intervention and I birthed our boy but got a 2nd degree tear on my perineum.

The stitching part was so traumatic. I want to cry every time I think about it. The poking felt like sharp little knives and sometimes the doctor would seem to be poking her whole hand up me. It was really distressing and the best I can liken it to would be sexual assault... but it was a doctor... helping me... and I had loving people around me... so that's why it feels like 'medical rape' to me. I know it was for a reason and no-one was trying to hurt me- but they did none-the-less. I felt like something was broken inside me by the experience.

Like I said, I've been trying to ignore this as I didn't want it to over shadow what was an amazing birth. I had a birth debrief with Kelly and didn't feel at all inclined to talk about at that time. The only thought I've given it is concern over how I was going approach my next pap smear as I didn't want to be touched again. My H and I have been 'intimate' and that's not a problem- I trust him and the way he touches me.

It came up today though as I went to doctor today for my 6 week check up and found out she planned to do an internal check of my uterus. I was in tears and told her about my concerns and it was hard enough to let her just look at my stitches... oh gee this is worse than I realised. Another issue came up then as the doctor thought I was disappointed with my birth experience and started saying they my waters should have been broken (I birthed the sac intact) and I should have been given an episotomy as I had such a big baby and the stitches would have been easier then. I was of the belief that if I hadn't had hospital rules imposed on me and push so hard I wouldn't have torn at all.

I'm not sure that I believe anything this doctor said as she seemed a little 'pro-intervention' (so i told her I was having a home birth next time which she didn't like )... but then I don't know what's true. Gah- now I'm doubting the birth too!!

Well- that's that. If you've read it thanks for listening. I'm sure what comments I'm asking for... hopefully just writing it down and working through it helps.

[Trillian]

Ren, it is so hard to work through how we feel about particular parts of our births when we try to rationalise what happened. It is hard to say that something has affected you so much when you see that 'things turned out ok in the end' so what do you have to complain about?, but that's just it - we are allowed to dissect our births and often it isn't until we've come down off the baby high and have had time to process it all that we realise we are unhappy and or traumatised by it.

In the scheme of things though it is difficult to say if things had been managed differently (like the pressure on you to birth your bub or risk transfer) that you would not have torn, or torn as much although I don't know if a baby being born in the sac would make any difference to the amount of dilation needed etc, but your midwife could still have managed the perenium area better to at least try to minimise it kwim? I don't believe that he was too big for you to birth - often an issue that Dr's/Obs will try to pull over you to justify their actions and no way known would it have been better for you to have an epi. I know Kel would have been there fighting tooth and nail for you if that was even suggested.

*hugs* for you Ren, I hope you can get some clarity about this and are able to resolve some of your feelings.

[alioops]

Hun i would be finding another doctor! that is plain rude to tell you that you cant have what you choose! i bet she would only ever have caesers and take all the drugs before she was even in labour. Have a chat to a councillor hun, they will go thru the nitty gritty of it and help you to understand your feelings, or see if you can have another chat with Kelly. I'm sure you are not the first person that has felt like this and she may be able to share some insight for you.

[Nelle]

Could it have been her attitude? Just on reflection, I had a dr reaching and poking and could potentially felt a little violated (even though, as you said, they're helping) - except that he talked to me through it and was very respectful and apologetic, he'd say 'I'm really sorry, but I'm just going to have to do x and it might be a bit uncomfortable. Okay?'

Definitely keep talking and working through your experience, and talk to your carers about it - perhaps knowing it's a sensitive thing for you, they will make the effort to communicate well with you and involve you, instead of just 'doing' things to you. If that makes sense. All the best.

[ren]

Yeah- I'm doctor hopping now cause I can't find a good one. Guess she's off the list now too!

Thanks for your kind words... it feels good to be 'coming out' with it as ignoring the issue isn't working.

[ren]

Originally Posted by Nelle

Could it have been her attitude?

The doctor who did the stitches seemed to be trying to be nice but she did seem to be getting annoyed with me and did the classic one of telling me it shouldn't be feeling like what I'm saying it feels like

[Nelle]

Lol, what did she want you to say, 'sorry, I'll try feeling a different sensation then'

[ren]

Heh heh- crazy!

This is not supposed to be about todays doctor but another little convo we had:
Doc "What are you going to do when your pregnant next time? How will have the internal checks?"
Note the implication that I'm just choosing to have this problem
Me: I didn't have any internal checks with my last pregnancy (confused?)
Doc: Really? No-one checked your pelvis? Did they know you were going to have a big baby?
Me: Well, not really? (shrug) I guess my belly was measuring a little big...
Doc: Oh well- I guess you've proved you have the pelvis to birth a 4.3kg baby

And that was in question?? Now that's why I didn't want a medicalised pregnancy!

Back to my original problem though- I am really am feeling so much better being honest with myself and to be thinking about this and putting it out there. I'm not so sure counseling would help me... but I'm thinking hypnosis could be the answer.

Anyone have experience with overcoming fear with hypnosis? My dad does that for people but I don't want to talk to him about this.

[Trillian]

Sorry Ren, I don't have any experience with hypnosis, but fair call that you don't want to talk to your Dad about it.

Counselling is a funny thing because this isn't something that I think can ever really be counselled kwim? Not in a traditional counselling sense anyway.

I'm glad that this has been an outlet for you to start to process the way you are feeling and hopefully in time you will be in a place where it doesn't pain you to think about it.

[River]

Oh Ren . I am sorry that you have some trauma from having stitches. I remember I tore "from here to eternity" (DHs words ) with my first and had a tonne of stitches, and they are painful and they are stressful. It wasn't nice, but then again, it was better than the doctor being elbow deep in my uterus pulling bits of placenta out!

Just because you tore first time doesn't mean you will in subsequent births. My first which I tore on was 3.46kg and I didn't tear on my next three - my 4th baby weighed 4.3kg and not even a graze! Your baby was a big one for your first (I'm not suprised you tore), so it should have made things easier for subsequent births - not worse. Infact, had you had the episiotomy you are now wishing you had, not only would you have still had the stitches, you would have also been cut before the birth, bled a lot more and would more than likely run into problems in future births - because epi scars don't heal as nicely as tears do and are more likely to tear or need more epis in the future.

Be proud that you birthed a baby in the caul, it is rare as hens teeth and babies born in the caul are said to be blessed - and old wives tales say that a baby born in the caul will never drown. I have so much admiration for you birthing a baby in the caul, I hear its like birthing a water balloon instead of a baby. No moulding of the baby's head to fit out when in the caul, you truly are a birthing goddess!

Anyway, I hope you can get over your heebie jeebies about having had stitches. I wonder if you are projecting other disappointments onto that though? Seems to me (not meaning to offend, just trying to help you work through this), that describing having stitches as rape is a very large reaction. You don't think that you might be projecting other bad feelings onto this in order to not confront those feelings? If you had stitches on your leg, even if you didn't have a local and could feel every bit of it, you wouldn't think of it as assault, why do you suppose this is so traumatic for you? I know its on your hoohar and associated with the birth, maybe you are carrying around a lot more feelings about the entire birthing process and your vunerability with regards to your private areas?

Oh my I can ramble can't I? I hope you can work through this and feel better before time comes to confront it again. You shouldn't be dealing with the yuckies this soon after birthing .

[BellyBelly]

Oh ren hon I feel soooo awful, I could tell when they were stitching up that something was going on psychologically and I just didn't know what to do but comfort you as best I could... I should have brought it up when I visited you, even if you weren't in a space to talk about it, maybe I could have helped more? I'm so sorry I feel like I have let you down :hugs:

[ren]

Thanks for your thoughts River.

I don't wish I'd had an episiotomy- the doc today just seemed to think I should have to make the stitching easier. But I still believe it was better to have torn (though I do wonder if I hadn't have had the time pressure if I might not have torn- but that's a 'what if' hey?)

Aww- thanks for your lovely comments about birthing in the caul. I didn't really have any idea what impact it was having on the birth. The doc today was banging on about how they could have made it easier for me if they broke the waters- but I really wasn't finding it that hard. Well, I had to push hard but it wasn't 'stressful' or anything.

I do already have an issue with being medically touched on my vagina- I've always been shocking at getting pap smears. I'm not sure why that is- I have no trouble with sexual touching. I know to describe it as medical rape may make it sound OTT to people who didn't find getting stitches traumatic, but that it is honestly how it felt for me and that's why I'm struggling to overcome it. Everyone says it was for the best and to try to forget it... not so easy when it was truely such an awful experience.

[ren]

You didn't let me down Kelly- having you there was one of the only things that helped me at the time... and given that I know my reaction is much more severe than most peoples you weren't to know how I've been feeling.

[Schmickers]

I'm so sorry to hear about your experience.

It sounds to me as if the doctor who sutured you either didn't use enough anaesthetic, or injected it into the wrong spot, and as a result you didn't get full anaesthesia of your perineum. I'd have to check with DW when she gets home, but I'm sure you should be completely numb for suturing.

Although, I'd disagree that this is something that counselling can't help with. I think if you sought out the right counsellor - probably a woman, and even, if you can find them, someone who has dealt with birthrape emotions before - that you might find it of great help.

[BellyBelly]

I agree Michael and do you know the perfect person who can help you with this Ren? Rhea. She does professional birth de-briefing and is a counsellor at the Fertile Ground Group - can you please look her up hon and try a session? Rhea is brilliant at this stuff and you know her already from the Business of Being Born

I also am very very glad for that Ren, that I stayed around to help you after the birth - obviously I really needed to be there and I am so glad I did. Sometimes my clients feel so bad that I have been there so long for a birth that they feel they should tell me to go home, but I also know after the birth and the hours after can be quite full on for all sorts of reasons. I am glad I helped in that respect xx

[River]

Originally Posted by ren

I know to describe it as medical rape may make it sound OTT to people who didn't find getting stitches traumatic, but that it is honestly how it felt for me and that's why I'm struggling to overcome it.

Oh you poor dear, it must be awful for you. If you've always had an issue with medical stuff going on down there, I can see how this would have been such a trauma.....you are just so vunerable with huge emotion swings dueing the birthing process.

Originally Posted by ren

Everyone says it was for the best and to try to forget it... not so easy when it was truely such an awful experience.

to them. You really can't be so flippant with people's emotions like that! I'm sure logically you understand that you needed the stitches etc, but that doesn't mean pittance when it comes to emotions does it? (I logically know I shouldn't eat half a mudcake in one sitting, but sometimes it doesn't stop me ). Just because it was for the best in the situation doesn't make it good iykwim.

Debrief, talk to Kelly I reakon, she's a wise sage old gal ( not that old yet though Kel). If you are still dealing with the yuckies, maybe counselling would be a good idea. There must be a reason why you can't shake it.

I really hope you can get feeling better. Your beautiful day and beautiful new life with your new baby shouldn't be clouded by this. You should be rejoicing each day instead of having this hanging over your head.

[Schmickers]

DW says that it is often very difficult to achieve effective anaesthesia in the perineum, as the skin is so thin it is difficult to get the local anaesthetic into a spot that numbs all of the many nerves that give that area it's sensation.

However, they could certainly be a lot nicer about it. It's a very special part of the body, and the close of a very special experience...