When do you get over it?

[fionas]

Oh Ryn

I'm so sorry that you have felt this way.

I hope you don't mind me playing amateur psychologist for a minute but from reading other posts in other threads, I think you obviously think there's ways your mum could have been a much better mum to you. D'you think that you put too much pressure on yourself to not repeating her 'mistakes' and to being a perfect mum yourself?

Birth is obviously the first thing that we do as a mum so perhaps you felt like this was the first 'test' of you as a mum and that you failed at it because you did not have the ideal birth or the birth you wanted?

You didn't fail but I know it is hard to come to a point where you FEEL that.

For me, I was pretty happy with the birth but breastfeeding was my first hurdle and we didn't get over it. I slammed straight into it, fell over, tried to pick myself, climbed on top of it and fell back down again! So I sort of know how you feel.

But being a good mum is not about birth and it's not about breastfeeding. If both those things go smoothly, that's fantastic. But it's how you handle all the hurdles in the next 18 years that's important and that's what your DS will remember.

Be gentle with yourself and just remind yourself of all the things that you do FANTASTICALLY. But also don't try to be the World's Best Mum. Just do your best.

[Rosehip_Fairy]

I'll just add quickly that I did have a viginal birth (or so I'm told... even though I was cut up it was only so they could get stuff up, if I'd have had a section I'd have had a hysterectomy too which is why we ended up as we did).

Thing is, I feel childless. I can cope with feeling preggers and I still rub my tum when I think about DS and he's not around, but he's not my child. He's DH's son. Love him to bits, but he's not my baby. I'm still waiting for my baby.

[krisp]

Oh dear, I hear so much pain in your words. I have replied to you before but I wanted to explain a bit more.
I had my son via an emergency CS under a general anasthetic. I did not meet him until almost 2 hours after he was born. He spent this time bonding with his Daddy. DH got to give him his first bath, dress him in his first wondersuit, give him his first cuddle and kiss, tell him his first "I love you" and change his nappies for the first 2 days, all those firsts that Mummys are "supposed" to get. For a long time I felt disconnected. I would look at him and wonder "is this my baby'? I even asked my DH if he was sure he stayed with him the whole time and he was positive that know one switched him for another baby as I thought I would be overcome with all these intense feelings of love and they just weren't there. I had to give myself time to get to know my baby and learn to love him, it wasn't instant. There were times when I thought is he really mine?
My DS has a very close relationship with my DH. It is Daddy he calls for when he wakes up in the night, it is Daddy he cries for when he leaves to go to work. It is Daddy he yells when he hears a car outside. I don't really mind, I know he loves me, when the chips are down and he hurts himself it's Mummy he wants to kiss and cuddle him to make it better!
The relationship I have with my DD is very different (she was a VBAC). She adores me and doesn't really settle for her Daddy. It's me she cries for when she wakes at night and one snuggle from her Mummy makes everything alright. I try desperately not to play favourites but I have to wonder is it because we had that precious bonding and BF time immediately after she was born that she seems to be more attached to me. It was her Mummy that she smelt and heard first, I am her first memory.
It all seems so complicated and confusing, but it does get easier. Perhaps I feel more at peace with the disaster of DS birth now that I have experienced a vaginal birth. Perhaps it's just time, I don't know. The most important thing is that I have 2 beautiful and wonderful children and I feel so amazingly blessed and fortunate.

[Rosehip_Fairy]

Right, DS shouldn't wake up so quickly today so I can respond now!

This is less to do with how I feel about DS (and I do love him, but he just isn't "mine") and more to do with the terror, the flashbacks, the anger, the trauma... the hospital did all his firsts, I have no idea who dressed him or put him in a nappy. I think it would have been nice if DH had been involved, but the midwives were very concerned about him so made sure he was OK... it may have been the paed or the nurses on SCBU... no, he was all wrapped up and stuff when I first saw him so I really have no idea.

I just need my head to calm down. I guess I'll have to talk to the doctor about all of this on Monday as this could be causing other things, I just don't know. But it will get sorted out.

[spice]

Hi Rosehip. I think you really do need to talk to someone. I really hope that being able to get your feeling out here on BB has helped somewhat.
In the weeks after DD was born I found myself constantly going over the events of the day she was born in my head and I would ask DH constantly what happened - where did you go with bubs, what did you do blah blah blah. Like Krisp, I had a C-section under a general anaesthetic. It was a major shock and the cause of much grief.
Your little boy IS YOUR baby. Try and think about the precious moments that you HAVE spent with him. I really feel for you because I know it is so hard when the birth of your baby doesn't go the way you want it to. I was diagnosed with PND and I believe that the trauma and grief over Charli's birth was a contributing factor to this.
I really hope you can make peace with it all soon.

Krisp. You are an inspiration. I hope to have a VBAC next time like yourself. My body has never even experience a single contraction (my cs was elective due to PE) but I know I can birth my own baby.