I failed (very long)

[sunshine_sieben]

Sammiejane, I had tears in my eyes reading your story.
Please don't beat yourself up over what happened. It wasn't you who failed. Your OB failed you. He was very aware of your wishes but ignored them the whole way through.
Your support people probably feel pretty bad about how things turned out, too. But it would be so hard arguing with the professionals if they paint a grim picture.
Maybe a doula would have helped.
Did your OB explain to you why he thinks you will have to have another c/s with any subsequent baby?
Thanks for sharing your story.
Saša

[Mayaness]

I'm going to support what everyone has said - you did the best you could under the circumstances at the time (labour is NOT a time to be making informed decisions, your hormones just don't allow it! Those not in labour ,i.e. birth partners, need to be well-prepared to enact your birth plan in your intellectual absence) and you know what you need to do for next time. Bath's suggestion of a doula is a pearler and doula's are gold especially in 'follow-up' pregnancies, because you know that the worries from your first birth will be taken up by the doula!
Apart from all of this, I would highly recommend preparing for a VBAC homebirth for the next one. That way you get the continuity of care from a midwife (not an OB who's ultimately going to look after the hospital policy before looking after your birth plan and respecting your birthing body's own schedule) and an emergency back up plan. You can labour at home the way you want, with no hospital policy that says "You've now been here 2 minutes over 3 hours and our version of 'progress' is just not occurring, so we're going to operate to save our skins". This is a pessimistic view, and you yourself would be aware that policy is dictated by decisions on how long things 'should' take, not how long it might take according to individual situations. Your instincts were bang on, and in hindsight you now know that you were ok without the interventions - that's GOOD! You know your instincts work for the next time. Your baby has a mummy who's instincts are not yet killed off Anyone in your birth support team who says that they will do what the doctors say as long as you are 'safe' does not belong on the team. You need people who will understand you fundamentally and who can resist intimidation on your behalf.
You've got your toolkit, chicky, for the next time. Your birth plan sounds like it was good - you just needed your birth support team to know what it all meant and why. The way I see it, you did not object to anything that was medically necessary, and the interventions were not explained to you as being medically necessary, nor properly explained to you or your birth support team. Your birth support needs to be gutsy and not afraid of what the medical team is going to throw at them to get their own way.
BTW Definitely recommend the HypnoBirthing or Calmbirthing courses. Shop around because costs vary. Neither of us were working at the time we did ours and I felt very strongly that it was not a 'luxury', but an insurance policy to get the birth I wanted. I have a recommendation for each of these techniques, if you would like me to PM them to you.

[Sammiejane]

I just thought that i would say thank you so much to everyone that gave me such kind words

In the last few weeks, since reading all your replies, i have been able to think about the experience more positively and a lot less.

I should have written this all months ago, i had told my story to others, but none of them had the wisdom, the words and the understanding... i didnt need people to tell me that i should be greatful or look on the bright side, i needed the words of you all that have been through it, that have had similar experiences and that could empathise with me and tell me that i did well

when i wrote this, i was often in tears and couldnt quite enjoy life like i knew i should... its better now

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

[bjrose]

Glad your feeling better hun.