How to complain/moving on...

[Bec25]

This is going to be a shocker of a first posting!

I am wanting some advice about how to go about complaining to a hospital. I have written a letter (not yet sent) but it is really long and I'm afraid will be viewed as a bit hysterical. I am having trouble being dispassionate and sticking to the facts when so much of the problem that I encountered was emotional in nature. I'd love some tips from those who have been there, done that.

I'm also wondering when you start to let go of the disappointment surrounding a lousy experience? I had really high hopes for my last birth (don't we all?) that just didn't pan out the way I had planned.

I birthed at home (that was the plan) but it wasn't the loving experience that I hoped for. I went really quickly so my hubby got tied up with my toddler and couldn't help me and my doula didn't make it. The midwife arrived for the pushing but by then my real need for support was past. Basically I did it on my own. Anyway I could easily get over that but things really went wrong once my baby was born.

He didn't breath on his own and noone knows why. It was an uncomplicated spontaneous drug free delivery but he needed to be 'bagged' (mask thing to pump in oxygen). It took 7 minutes for him to get going. Obviously we had to take him to the hospital. From there things really went downhill very fast. The whole experience was a nightmare and he was in Special Care for 5 days.

I have a lot of sadness over his first week as I didn't get to breastfeed (though we are now) or cuddle him as he was in oxygen. The whole bonding thing went out the window. There were a lot of problems in the nursery (hence the complaint) that I won't get into but basically it sucked.

Hubby and I are arguing a lot because we are both stressed out. I'm worried there will be long term effects (there's a possibility) and hubby just wants to forget all about it and pretends that things were fine.

I also feel like I really let down the homebirth community. I feel like my experience will be added to the excuses people use to say that HB isn't safe (even though exactly the same thing would have happened in the hospital according to the doctor and my midwife was fantastic and handled everything brilliantly).

I also can't forget that he could have died. I keep thinking 'what if the midwife hadn't got there in time?' 'what if we'd tried to drive to hospital and he'd been born on the side of the road?' In both these scenarios I'm told he would probably have died as I would have had no idea what to do to revive him. I check on him a thousand times a night and can't relax for a second. I don't know how to get past this.

Thanks very much for reading this - I know it is long but I'm hoping that writing it all down will help. I'd love some ideas on what to do next.

[Trillian]

Firstly welcome to BellyBelly!.

Please don't tag yourself as the posterchild for homebirths that went wrong, because you aren't, not by a long shot. The birth was fine and you did superbly well by the sound of it, but I don't think that had anything to do with your son's condition afterwards. For all you know that could have happened in a hospital birth too, just like the Dr said to you - it is something you will possibly never know the answer to.

have you requested a copy of your son's notes from his time in hospital? It may help shed some light on what happened and why and also back up your complaint to the hospital (but I probably wouldn't say you need them to make a complaint if I were you kwim?). I'm not exactly sure on how to go about making a formal complaint though, but there are others on here that do.

Another thing, have you ever spoken to anyone about the possibility of having post natal depression or even post traumatic stress disorder? It sounds like this is really starting to affect your life in a less than positive way and impact on your relationship. And from your DH's perspective, it wil always be different to yours, because often men just see it from the end result - a healthy baby and mum - and don't see the emotional results or just cannot fathom why it is still an issue for you.

Often the best way to help heal from a traumatic experience is to talk, talk and talk some more about it. Can you debrief with your midwife and Doula - they are equipped to be able to help you through this process. And you can always talk on here - there is always someone around to lend and ear if you need it. Also it may not be something you ever actually 'get over', but you will find that in time it impacts on your life less and less and you can function again kwim?

for you, I hope this is the start of your healing journey.

[SaraJane]

Bec I can understand it would be a hard thing to 'get over' because it has been such a frightening and traumatic experience for you. I'm so glad to hear that he is ok. Maybe some counselling would help you process what has happened??

[Cassius2]

Hi Bec,

Firstly welcome to BB. I am glad that you found this site, there is alot of support on here and has been a font of information for myself, DH and our bubba.

I am sorry though that you had to have such a scary time after your DS's birth. On one level i can relate as my DD stopped breathing a few hours after birth and was on oxygen overnight and had to stay in SCN for almost 72 hours. the experience also left me a bit anxious. and i wouldn't be surprised if it contributed to my experience of PND.

There are a couple of things that i recommend:

first, when you write to the hospital, dont have any fear of adding the emotion! i used to work for the director of surgical services in one of the leading hospitals, and trust me, those letters we get are really important for getting things investigated. the thing to remember is that the hospital will ALWAYS find themselves at no fault. so it is wise to keep your strenght when you get the (i hate to say it, but most likely will be) the invariable letter stating 'that after a thorough investigation....the hospital believes it acted within safe blah blah blah. this is their first line of defense (kind of to sift out the easy targets). if you would like to see more answers, then reply and also, if you are up to it, call them. I know that it certainly got things moving at where we worked.

second, like Trillian said, i can recommend finding a good support network in the coming weeks. I waited a looong time before getting support and a good ear to chew about my experience and i can only say that i wish i had found BB earlier!!
through BB i have found awesome girls (and guys!) that have provided me with rock solid support and not to mention hearty laughter! through here i have also found a great 'real life' support group for girls with PND. i can't rate each and everyone of them high enough.

take care and I wish you the best! have you found a 'baby buddies' group on here yet? (under the baby and toddler section). they go by month and year of your bub's birth. the girls in my group have been my rock!

xx

[Rosehip_Fairy]

I don't think "getting over" it happens. Working through it, learning to live without feeling the crushingness of it every second of every day, that happens, but that's not getting over it.

WRT a complaint, if you want you can PM me the complaint and I'll "de-emotion" it for you as much as needed. I work in a hospital and see a fair few complaints so would be happy to help there. But if you send a complaint in they HAVE to respond to it. I'd agree with looking at notes first too; if something is documented erroneously then make sure you flag that up. Have names and dates too from your own mind - put down EVERYTHING now, even jumbled, so you can sort it out later.

I know the nurses in SCBU when I was in there were fantastic, but the midwives were awful. I can't imagine being there with a poorly baby and those midwives looking after him, so I really do feel for you.

[hoobley]

I'm a homebirther and you have let NO ONE down. My DD inhaled a bit of mec and her apgars were 9 at birth, 7 at five minutes, then 10 at ten minutes. They suctioned her nose and throat and gave her some oxygen while she lay on my belly. If the 7 hadn't come right back up we'd have been off to hossie too. That's what hospital is FOR! Complain about your treatment in hospital. You deserved to be treated well and if you weren't then you complain.

I think it is totally normal to be haunted by "what ifs" when something so life-and-death traumatic has happened to you. Hold your baby tight - you're lucky to have him and you were SHOWN how lucky right at the start. SO many children are born and not valued in this world, your son has a head start in your hearts because you know you could have lost him.

Home birth cost your son NOTHING. He did NOT die. There are babies born in hospital who never breathe, homebirth didn't do this. People who point to tales like yours and say "see, homebirth is dangerous" know nothing about birth and are not interested in finding out.

Bx