Why Is It Anyone Elses Business?

[CalebsMum4Eva]

Ok, I am apologising in advance....be prepared for a rant.

My DF are expecting our 1st child together in 11 weeks. WE have decided on an intervention free, drug free, waterbirth in the birth centre at our local hospital.
I initially did want a homebirth, but that scared DF a fair bit, being his 1st baby, so I happily agreed to the BC.
Our MW is someone I have worked with in my job, and we both love her to bits.

We have a birth 'idea' for what we BOTH would like, and these include.

My DS (almost 12) wants to be present.
We are going to stay home as long as possible prior to leaving for the BC.
I want the freedom to move around as much as possible for as long as possible.
I want the MW to leave us be as a family as much as possible. She is so happy with this because she likes to leave her 'mums' to do their 'thing' unless they need her.
I want the opportunity to labour AND deliver in the bath if I feel like it.
No one touches the baby until myself, DF & DS have touched him/her first. The first touch we want our baby to feel is from us.
DF & DS are going to tandem cut the cord, but only after it has stopped pulsing.
All going well, I want to leave the BC and go home as soon as possible after the birth.

Now, all this sounds well and good, but why is it, when ppl ask...and I inform them of mine and DF's choices, they all have something to say about it?

My Auntie said this: "You won't cope. Why not use drugs." She was also the author of such statements as: "A little bit of alcohol never hurt anyone, everything in moderation" when I declined a glass of wine over a dinner.

SIL asked if I would be having an epidural. I explained to her that there are no epidurals in the BC. She looked at me, shook her head and said "Your crazy". Her friend who was present at the time, who I don't know, also said "Why would you do that to yourself"

A couple of ppl have commented under their breath about women trying to be heros. I find myself getting frustrated when I try to explain that this is what WE want, and hey, if it doesn't work, we are open to intervention if ABSOLUTELY necessary.

Why is it, that OUR pregnancy, OUR labour, OUR delivery, planned as a FAMILY has made everyone experts on OUR birth?

In regard to having DS at the birth...."Won't he be annoying?" For goodness sake he is 12yrs old, AND he will have my Mum there as HIS support person. If he wishes to leave, he can.
"You don't want him to see all that mess, and hear you screaming do you?" Great, so now I'm traumatising my child by letting him see his baby brother/sister being born?

"What if something goes wrong?" Um, derr, Im in a hospital, with DR's avail IF needed. Where would you like me to give birth.....In an operating theatre, with everyone scrubbed up, JUST IN CASE?

"Won't the baby drown under water?" Now I understand that some ppl are just not aware of what happens after a delivery so I explain to them that it is safe etc etc, and what goes on and how we can prevent water related complications...."Oh, but giving birth in water is so not normal" Says who? Whats 'normal'. Ok so now Im just not normal!

I just get so sick and tired of having to defend my choices as a mother, and all I wanted to do was share with ppl how much of a joyous experience this is going to be for us as a family.
Then, I have to defend my DF when ppl want to know why "HE is letting ME do this" . Um, he had input, I put my ideas forward, he put his and voila, we came to what we have planned.

I have been mulling over this for days now, and am starting to get uptight everytime someone asks me about our plans. I get worried that I am going to get shot down for all our hopes and dreams. I don't want to lie to ppl about our plans, but I don't really want to tell them anymore either.

I am so so sorry this was long and irate and irational. I guess I am just looking for other ppl who are going through this same situation.

I am just so lucky that DF is so supportive.

Thanks again.

[Lulu2]

Hun, I hear ya, I do.

Honestly, the best thing to do is not bother. You don't have to justify your choices and it's bloomin hard listening to people who clearly have no idea what they are bagging, bagging your well thought out and researched plans.

So don't tell them anything until AFTER the birth. Then you can cheerily say "oh yes s/he was born underwater it was a wonderful experience maybe you should try it!

[Arimeh]

HAHA.. I know where you are coming from... I was telling my mum about my hypnobirthing class and how I'm really looking forward to my VBAC and the first question she asked was... are you going to be having drugs... and I'm like... well.. no... and she's like...."Melina... it f**king hurts you know...."
PMSL... I just cracked up... like hellooooo.. not expecting child birth to tickle!!!!!! And then on top of that it was the fact that she actually swore (not something my mother would do!!)

I've also been chastised by my sister (who is the c-section queen - 4 in 4 years) and she thinks I'm REALLY stupid for trying for a natural birth.

Meh - each to their own ideas... just be a duck.. let it wash off your back like all the other useless advice you'll get once the baby is here!! lol

And for what its worth - I think your birth plan sounds excellent. All the best.

xx

[smiles4u]

Hey KELL, that all sounds just FANTASTIC to me ... I love all your ideas

Especially the 1st touch for you all of baby

I never had a chance to do many things listed on my plan as my bub arrived 39mins after arriving at the hospital

The only requested idea listed I got ' to do ' was a drug-free birth (well, there was no time for drugs even if I wanted them, LOL) ... & all else went out the window for me.

DP was going to cut the cord but he decided not to (he was a bit faintish ... poor thing), so I did it.

I wanted a quiet birth BUT as my contractions were very fast in a short time I myself made plenty of noise

We couldn't spend much time alone with bub after the birth as the hospital was desperate for my labour room as it was their busiest day ever.

I didn't get my MW as it was her day off, & she couldn't make it in time for the birth as she was at the supermarket checkout when she got the phone call.

Oh, my list goes on ... yeh, the beautiful music, the bath, etc ... I all missed out on BUT hey I got the most beautiful & healthy baby ever ... my 1st Baby at 40

KELL, I'm so wishing you get it all happening ... I love hearing stories of birth's when all went to plan ... there has to be more of them ... and I've got a strong feeling you are going to be one of them

As for anyone's negative thoughts ... tell them where to go !!!!!!!!

[tan32]

Oh Kell the birth you want sounds great.
People will say something no matter what you choose.
I too am going through the birth centre at our local hospital and am planning a drug free birth. I have an advantage as when people say to me , oh you say that now i can say well i did it with my DS.

For some reason people will always put there two cents in.

Take care and enjoy your birth.

[Hollye]

wow wat an awsome birth plan. U should be proud and really who cares what anyone else thinks. After u have done it all successfully..u can stick it up their a$s iykwim. I cant wait to hear ur birth story!!!!

[satya]

Just so you know you can get the negative comments even when you are planning to do things more mainstream. I must admit I haven't had many though.

I'm happy to accept as much pain relief as I can get whilst in hospital. I've had people say things like "don't count on getting an epidural, they wont give you one there" (meaning my particular hospital) or "good luck getting an epi". Great, just what I want to hear. The last midwife I saw said I will get one if I want one and they feel it is warranted.

Until recently I had planned to labour in the big bath at the hospital and I got negative comments from a couple of workmates about this - "one saying don't bother with it - it's so uncomfortable you wont want to do it" (she gave birth at the same hospital). I was a little shocked by the comment. I don't think I will actually use it now as I had a bad experience getting out of my own bath last week so will probably just stick to the shower, much more gentle on my fragile ankles.

I also got a lot of negative comments about my decision not to go to birthing classes. I read up on it and decided I had enough information on it (probably too much actually) yet my decision upset my mother, my MIL and my partner's grandmother. They kept asking me if I'd changed my mind until they realised I wasn't budging on it.

I hope you get to do things the way you plan and that people start keeping their opinions to themselves. Everyone has their own ideas on what's right for them and people just need to accept it and keep their negativity to themselves.

[mountain mummy]

IMO, when people ask what your plans are, just say "To birth a healthy baby" and leave it at that!
As you said, it doesn't have to be anyone else's business how you and your family choose to do it!!

[CalebsMum4Eva]

Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts and words. I know it's no one elses business and I should tell them politely or maybe not so politely to 'shove it' but I think in my pregnant state I would just lose it. We are going to dinner tonight at DF parents and even though they are great and awesome, my SIL will be there and although I love her to bits, I know she makes me feel funny about certain things. We do things completely different her and I....

Mel ~ I have been researching HypnoBirthing as well, and this is something I would like to try, and DF is all for it, if it will make me feel comfortable. But some ppl have commented on this also! We just can't win can we? No, I don't want to think Im a plane, or a boat or whatever, its not THAT kind of hypnosis, yet ppl don't quite understand what Im on about. So now, Im just a weirdo!

Thanks everyone, I hope OUR birth goes as smoothly as possible.
Like I say to everyone who asks...If things don't go the way we want them to, I will accept any help that is necessary.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, their own delivery, whether they want intervention, drugs or not. I respect everyone elses choices and praise them on their choices, so why can't ppl accept mine?

I sometimes feel like Im being treated like a child. Oh I think Im a tad fragile today.

Thanks again everyone.

[Purplemamma]

Honey I have had 5 all natural drug free births!!! It can be done!!

Do things your way, and do what is best for your family!!! Stick to your guns girl!!

People will have something to say about everything you do with your baby, just let it all slide...

[Tennykins]

Your birth plan sounds great.
You're including your partner and son aswell, which I think is fantastic.
People should keep their comments to themselves. It's nothing to do with them. They aren't the ones going through it.

I never had anyone ask me about how I plan to give birth last time or this time.
I think they know I won't tell them either way. Lol. We don't even tell people the names we have picked out, so we don't get their comments.

I can't believe anyone would be trying to push you to have some wine when you declined. That's crazy.

Good luck with everything and I hope you have a H&H rest of your pg!!!

Btw, WOW Purplemamma - 5 drug free births! You go girl!

[DiannaQ]

It's funny that in today's society we are all meant to be anti-drugs - however in labour you're meant to be drugged up to the eyeballs and not remember let alone experience the sensation of labour. Yes Labour hurts - it's meant to - but the end product is so worth it - I've experienced a drug induced, and epidural labour previously - and this time round I'm going to do my darndest to have a drug free, no induction, water birth in a birthing centre also - good luck with your decision and anyone else who wants to give you negative feedback just ignore them - they're hardly worth the effort IMO

[CalebsMum4Eva]

Purplemamma ~ Good on you for 5 births the way you wanted them! Well done!

Tenny ~ I don't really get my Aunty sometimes. She has had 3 children, all healthy, but 'back then' things were obviously done differently.
At dinner I didnt eat the pate and soft cheeses - my choice. She laughed, yes, actually laughed and said "Thats a load of BS".
I declined the alcohol - my choice. She said, "you would have to be very unlucky for 1 drink to harm your baby, everything in moderation is ok".
I informed her that in my role as an RN in a NICU, I have seen what ONE drink can do. But once again, "you would just have to be one of the unlucky ones".
It actually quite upset me and I have only recently told my Mum of this, because she didn't actually hear the conversation.
When she inquired about our birth plan, she said "if drugs are on offer, why aren't you taking them. They wouldn't offer them if we weren't supposed to have them." I was so shocked at this that I didn't know what to say. I know pain relief is available - for women who WANT it. And it's their right to have an epidural or gas or whatever - IF THEY WANT IT. I happen to be one who doesn't, so I should get shunned for this.
Its one thing coming from unimformed ppl, but when it's your own family - thats when it starts to hurt.

I will try hard to do what you all have said and 'ignore' the stupid, insensitive remarks. I think I might be overanalysing it? Pregnant brain and all...taking too much to heart?

[Lulu2]

I remember telling one of mums friends about DD's birth. She said OMG you would just DIE if you had bubs when I did, they used to let us have CIGARETTES in the labour ward. She cringes her head off about it now, but as she said "it was how they did it".

WOW

[*becstar*]

Oh Kell

I had no idea all this was going on....

I think it all sounds wonderful and I'm so impressed that the 'boys' want to be so much of an active part in Muffin's delivery. I know you can do it, you know you can do it, so stuff the lot of them!

You are so well informed, you know what you are talking about, you are a RN for gods sake!! Even the fact that you are prepared to be in the hossie JIC says you have thought out every scenario and you are willing to do what needs to be done to get Muffin and you through this safely. Just because you have a plan and a dream of how you want your perfect birth to be doesn't mean you are stupid and willing to put you both at risk for the sake of your perfect birth.

You are totally allowed to be over-sensitive and over-analytical at the moment, it's a pregnant womans perogative! You know I'll be down here (SO far away.....) wishing, hoping and praying you get your perfect birth...nothing would make me happier . Let it slide off your back Kell, YOU are the one who has to live with the experience of Muffins birth, not anyone else.

Much love.....ahh...times like this I wish I could jump on that plane.....

xxx

[fionas]

Kell

Honestly, if their comments are getting to you, just don't tell them. Just be vague and answer any questions with "I'm just going to see what happens."

They will be so smug if you do have drugs. Don't give them the satisfaction. My view is that labour is perfectly possible without drugs BUT the one thing you can't plan is how long your labour is going to last. I had a three-day labour and for two and a half days used natural pain management techniques until I just wanted a bloody rest and opted for an epidural. In a shorter labour, I can totally envisage going natural but it is not simply a case of mind over matter as many people will say it is. Getting your head in the right place is an enormous part of it but as I said, you cannot predict how long your labour will last.

You are doing the right thing and doing as much research as possible but I would keep your plans close to your chest because you have a lot of naysayers around you. You don't need them to dent your confidence.

[~Leasha~]

Oh I hear you! I've been dealing with that since day one. It's so frustrating!! Even more annoying is that the same people ask the same questions OVER AND OVER again like they're waiting for the day I 'realise' I'll NEED an epidural. Now I just say "not sure, I'm aiming for a natural birth but we'll see how it goes" and just tune out when they start on their horror stories.

The main thing is don't let them get to you. Trust that you have made the best decisions for you and your family.

[Boo Boo]

It just seems as soon as you enter the world of pregnancy, labour and babies EVERYONE is an expert and can't wait to share their thoughts with you...take the good and ignore the bad - it is their problem if they can't understand why you want to do things the way you want to NOT yours.

Enjoy your beautiful birthing experience.

Laurin x