when good friends fall pregnant...

[Possums]

A close friend has just fallen pregnant with no 2. she had a lot of trouble conceiving no 1, and suffered losses, and I am thrilled this has happened for her without much trouble this time.

That said, I also feel so sad for myself...and flat... like..."I should be pregnant with you!!"....I would have been 15 weeks pregnant now, and I just feel like I am getting left behind and stuck here in this difficult, out of control world of TTC.

And while I know I will be pleased to share the experiences of her pregnancy with her, and be involved, I know it will also hurt a lot. I dont quite know how I am going to handle it (unless of course I am suddenly pregnant again too, which would be wonderful of course).

This is mainly a vent I guess, but I thought some of you might have been in the same boat and have some wisdom to share. Thanks.

[briggsy's girl]

does your friend know of your issues with TTC?

if she does, i'd be honest - you're thrilled for her, but you're not doing so great with your own emotional situation - you want to be there for her, but there will be times when you simply can't be.

be honest - do it on YOUR terms - be there for her when you can, but when it gets too much, step back! through my struggles, i made small changes to my own circumstances to stop me feeling high levels of pain. on bad days, i avoided pg people. on good days, i'd talk to them. i asked at work to not be sat with anyone pg (we has assigned desks that got swapped and changed around). i knew 10 people due within 8 weeks late 07 early 08 - so i had to get myhead around it - i avoided them when i needed to. i only held little babies when i was ok with it...

hugs to you hun - it's so hard to be so torn

BG

[JBM]

sending you hugs possums, it's hard but do let her know cause sometimes us women are a bit dumb when it comes to our friends feelings, meaning me. good luck and love to you xxoo

[Possums]

Thanks BG- that's good advice. I am so glad you responsed.

Yes, she knows my issues. She has actually been one of my biggest supports...we first met through yoga and she teaches pregnancy yoga and when I mentioned I hoped I'd be able to join her classes one day, we got talking, and she said she'd had a hard journey trying to fall pregnant and offered to meet me for coffee to talk and our friendship has gone on from there. She did one IVF cycle on her journey too (ended up with a natural pregnancy). So I know she must know how I feel, having been in my shoes herself.
We have another mutual friend, who has been TTC for 3.5 years and just did her first IVF cycle (overstimulated, so no transfer yet).... so we've all sort of been talking about this stuff a lot and they are both a great help as we can be so honest.

I guess I feel like I owe it to her to be strong and be there for her, and to share her joy. I feel like she would be strong enough to do that for me. But I guess, ever since I 've known her, she's had her little boy, and hasn't been in that awful place she was in, and which I am now in.
I also fear how I will cope if our other friend also falls pregnant, when at the same time, I so hope she does, after trying for so long.

[~clover~]

I lost a baby at 12 weeks & had 2 friends, one very close, fall pg at the same time.
2 of us were due at the same time, the closer friend 2 weeks later.
It was hard, but it got easier. I still look at her DD 5 years later & think about the one I would've had at that age.
It will get easier, & harder all at the same time, but hopefully you'll have your own little bump soon & she'll have been there already, so she'll be there for advice.
I'm sorry for your loss. I hope things look up soon for you

[SamiH]

It doesnt stop the pain and twinge of jealousy occasionally.

When we lost our bub at the end of first tri, my best friend had just told me she was 5 weeks so we were excited together - but then our baby became an angel - our relationship was strained - until we were honest - I cried with her and told her how excited I was for her, but please nto to think I dont care if at times I can't talk to her about it etc.

[Smoz]

o know im not a LTTTC but i have a close friend who is and coming from the other side of the fence i would say your f riend will completely understand on your bads days and just enjoy the good days i know i did

I simply made a statement to her at the beginning and said

"I no this will be hard for you but i know you are happy for me so here's the deal i will not bring up or talk about my pregnancy unless you prompt me to or ask questions that way i won't upset you on bad days but you won't miss out either."

im sure you friend will understand n you can both be there for each other....its perfectly normal and understandable to have an element of jealousy

[Possums]

thanks everyone so much for the advice (and JBM, sorry I missed your response first up)
it helps having you all to talk too

[dusty]

Please be aware you are posting in the Long term TTC area. It is ok to provide support to those looking for it, but please take care and be sensitive in what you say as many LT women are here because they haven't been able to or are not able to conceive naturally and may not have attained motherhood yet themselves.

[mummy2chloe]

hun hun

just want to give you a

[MissMagpie]

Possums,

Its such a hard one to deal with. My close friends have already have their children so I havent had to deal with the same situation, although a girl I work with whom Im pretty close to fell pregnant early last year around the same time I was trying naturally before they found my severe endo.

I tried really hard to be supportive and it was a bit hard to ignore her or not listen to all the baby talk as she sat litterally 5 ft away from me. I work in a small open plan office so we are all on top of each other!

Ive found it hard even when just other "acquaintances" have announced they are pg.

Like many have said already, when your having a good day, then be supportive, if not, then back away. Since she knows whats happening with you, Im sure she will be MORE than understanding with that.

Take care and vent ANYTIME you need to!

Tania

[mollygirl1977]

Hi Possums

I thought long and hard about what to say here because although I always try to be as happy as I can for my friends, I can can honestly say that most of the time I just feel so jealous that it's not me and I don't understand why I have to endure so much and never get a BFP.

The only pregnancies that have not affected me have been my 3 nephews and nieces. Unfortunately I am in a situation now where I am abou the only one left out of all my friends that does not have a baby. It HURTS all the time. I really don't think there is any right or wrong way to feel about the situation and I have learned to stop beating myself up about feeling jealous.

The saddest thing is that I feel I have become very numb around babies these days and when I do muster the strength to visit a friend with a baby I usually have no desire to hold it or even acknowledge it most of the time. God i hope I am not sounding like an emotionless cow.

I suppose we all deal with situations the best way we can and probably the most important thing is to remember that what we are all going through is probably one of the hardest things you will ever deal with in life and i am certain it does make us stronger.

Sorry for the ramble, I probably haven't helped much but it did fell good to let some of this out!!!

[Possums]

all your words really do help! even just knowing i am not a terrible person for feeling jealous. Mollygirl, feeling a bit numb is just a way of protecting your heart i think, you shut off from it a bit, because you just have to.

you ladies really have helped me so many times

I saw my friend (and the other friend who has been LTTTC/IVF etc) again yesterday and I just sort of tried to cruise through it, but when she spoke of her excitment etc with seeing the two lines on the test and felt the twist of pain. It wasnt so long ago i felt what she is feeling, yet once again it was robbed from me. So woe is me i guess I cried on an off much of the day yesterday....i think I am perhaps suffering bad PMT too! Her little boy was with us yesterday too, and he is so gorgeous, and I just felt that intense longing, that whole "i want one!!" feeling.

I will take your advice, and be there when I can, and pull away when it's too much and not beat myself up about it!
Thanks again.

[Possums]

my friend now has morning sickness and is very tired etc. I try hard to be supportive when we chat. Truth is I would love to have morning sickness. And also, I really don't want to hear about it, at all. But I ask how she is and take an interest because I am trying to be a friend. She also flippantly talks about "when she has 2 kids" etc. I dont think she realises /is totally sensitive to where I am at. She is just happy and excited, understandably.
This post is nothing more than a vent really. She is a nice person and has been a support to me in the TTC process.
I know I have been whinging on here quite a bit lately. Please excuse that. This is just a good, safe outlet.

[JodieC65]

Hi Possums, I just wanted to give you the biggest and that I possibly can give you through this post. Whenever I read one of your posts it always surprises me as to what an amazingly strong woman you are - you have a heart of gold and are always there for any of us when we need a shoulder or a helping hand. Feel free to vent all you need to, we are all here for you. Take care my friend

[Cassius2]

It's so hard. there's the physical turmoil of TTC and then there's the even bigger emotional turmoil of LTTTC.

when ppl fell pg around me on our journey they only saw the smiles and congratulations, then the cards and baby shower gifts and the smiling visits at the hospital to welcome their new baby.

what they don't see are the mountains of tears and gut wrenching aching that goes on when we are constantly being shown that it is not us. even when they know that you are TTC and have faced losses. it's so hard.
many don't realise how beautiful morning sickness sounds to ppl who have had to travel the road of LTTTC!

hang in there Possums, and yeah like you said, take steps back when you need to. at least that is what i found to be sometimes the best way to get through in the short term day to day.

xx

[JBM]

possums i think you should let your friend know that you're feeling a bit sensitive ATM, if you say it in a nice way like " i am so pleased that you are preg but i would prefer we talk about other topics for a while" i am sure if she is a good friend she will understand.

i am thinking of you and sending you some more hugs xxoo