Parenting After LT TTC ~ January - April 2008

[Mabello]

yay at finding this thread!

Hey guys, remember me? I was aka Danni

Well I am finally a mother, and Mason is 10 months old!! Its crazy...

I am really struggling though and I am dealing with guilt every single day. I wanted this baby so badly, and now I am not coping very well. He is so demanding, won't play alone, won't sleep....etc, etc etc.

Yesterday i said to my doctor in the utmost despair, "If I had have known this is what it was going to be like, I would never have tried for a baby".
I can;t believe I actually said that out aloud, but what if its true?

I love my son more than life itself but it sure is damn hard!

[mako]

Monnie I completley understand where you are coming from about the intimacy side of our relationship too. I'm so pleased to know that it isn't just "me". I think that because we tried for so long to conceive it did really feel like it was a chore and even now it still has that feeling if you know what I mean. I really do try to be interested and I feel soooo bad when I just don't feel like doing the deed when poor dh has gone for what seems an eternity for him without it.On top of having a newborn to care for everyday and go to work a few days a week and try and keep up with the general runing of the household I'm completely exhausted and dh just doesn't seem to understand this.

I have to admit that once I became pregnant I lost all desire for sex.I know that some women just can't get enough and others don't want it at all.Poor dh lost out in a big way It was a huge shock to his system from when we were trying for a bub as we were at it ALL the time

Anyway I guess we will find a happy medium sometime soon I hope.

Danni I'm so pleased you found this thread.I remember when you were pregnant with Mason and when he was born.That time has just flown
Please don't feel bad about what you said to your dr.I have also had moments where I have felt exactly the same and it seems like no one understands hey??
I'm sure mums feel this way at some stage during the parenting journey whether it is in the first few months or years or as the kids are teenagers.

Hi to you all. Hope to chat soon

[Kimnastics]

Monnie, I too can relate to DTD becoming a chore after LTTTC. Plus I co-sleep with Hayden most nights (not planned, just happened so we both got a decent night sleep but secretly I love it) so poor DH really misses out.

I am a SAHM by choice, but I find the isolation really hard too. DH works really long hours and all my family/friends work F/T plus live pretty far away. After chatting to ppl at work everyday, being home with Hayden all the time sometimes feels a bit lonely. I'm working a few hours on a Saturday now which I love and when Hayden starts crawling, I'll look at a playgroup mid-week but it is not the same as having friends you see everyday at work.

[sazzafrazz]

ooh oooh oooooh, just found the time to come in here! Yay, thanks BB ppl for starting this thread.

Jason, our bubs are the same age. It will be good to see the bloke side of things in here.

Wow, I cant believe the age of the babies in here. I remember a few of these names from other threads and it doesnt seem like that long ago but I guess it is. I feel that way about our own baby though.

About me: we were TTC for 10years and 1month when we got our first BFP. DH had undecended testes which werent operated on till he was about 7 so male factor infertility big time for us. We had 3 fully stimulated ICSI and 1 frozen natural cycle then took about 6years off to do the natural therapies. We then went back to ICSI and got pregnant on our first try again. I got hyperstimulation but not too bad. The pregnancy went fantastic but unfortunately we had to be induced at 10 days overdue. This resulted in an emergency caesarian 28hours later due to the babies heartbeat dropping to below 60bpm!!!. Lucky for us our gorgeous daughter, Celeste, was fine as soon as she was born.

I am still really traumatised about the birth. I feel a bit ripped off that what might be my only child was not a vaginal birth but mostly I struggle with the fact that we almost lost her after such a long struggle. The doctor and all the 10 other ppl in the delivery room were quite tense for a while there so I know the risk was real.

As for DTD... well after 10years TTC the romantic, spontaneous side of it is totally gone. Plus DH didnt want to do it at all while I was pg and as Celeste is only 5 weeks old tomorrow, we havent had a chance to find out yet how it will be actually doing it for fun!!! Might let you know in a few weeks/months time!

While TTC and while pregnant I felt like I was the only one who had tried for sooo long but reading some stories in here already I feel less alone which is great. Not for those of you who had to go through it too, of course, but for me I mean. lol.

Anyhow. I know that our TTC journey has affected how I feel about Celeste already and probably will for years to come. I have struggled with some breastfeeding problems and have felt quite overwhelmed at times, as all new parents do, but not really felt like I could complain about it. It is really like "well, this is what you wanted isnt it? get on with it then".

Oh, gotta go. My little blossom is waking. I am looking forward to getting to know a few more of you!!!
Sazz

[Willow]

"well, this is what you wanted isnt it? get on with it then".

Boy can I relate to this!!! I've really struggled with this since DS was born. We've had some sleeping issues (nothing off the charts, just normal baby stuff) but I have obsessed over it to the point of having panic attacks over it.

I had it in my head that after all the awful stuff that had happened, this time would be just perfect, all sunshine and rainbows. Imagine my surprise when reality set in and I began to see that my beautiful boy was just like any other baby - he didn't sleep like an angel 24/7 and yes, this was still going to be hard work!

As for the intimacy side of things, yes, I completely agree. Things aren't the same for us as they used to be. Like Mako though, being prg after a loss meant I wasn't prepared to DTD at all when prg until late in the third tri (I had a lot of bleeding in my first two prg and DTD would usually result in more bleeding so I figured it wasn't worth the trauma) and now being a tired mum to a baby and a toddler, it's kinda the last thing on my mind! DH is struggling with it a bit and I feel bad for him.

Danni - I just wanted to say that hun, you should NOT feel bad about the way you're feeling. I've read lots of your posts about Mason and his sleeping issues etc - I think you're doing a WONDERFUL job in the circumstances. You should give yourself some more credit!!

[Allie]

Hi Danni/Mabello - good to see you again! I can't believe your little one is 10 months old! Actually, I can't believe my own DD is almost 9 months old!!

The whole parenting thing IS hard - and so emotionally intense. Don't feel bad about how you feel sometimes - we all have tough days. And sleep deprivation can do crazy things to your head, and we've just got to keep on going, there's not much (if any) time to rest...

Hope things improve for you very soon.

[monnie]

Hey guys

So glad that this thread is here...

Mabello/Danni...hey chickie...I wondered where you were...and now I just see you've changed your username. You are a fantastic Mum...there's no doubting it. It would be so incredibly difficult to night after night deal with sleep problems.

We've just come out of (fingers crossed) 2 months of sleeping issues...and I know what that was doing to me...so I can only imagine that any longer makes daily living really tough. I was really scared at my own reaction one night when I said to Felix "just shut up!"...I couldn't believe I said it...felt so bad afterwards but realised that I had to let my self off the hook...we are not perfect!!!

Amazing how many of us have had LTTTC impact on intimacy...I guess it's no surprise, and I although I wish none of us had to deal with it, I'm glad I'm not so abnormal. One day we'll get back to it just being fun...I hope!!! Mind you, sleep deprivation isn't exactly an aphrodisiac!

Anyway...it's just so great to share together...thanks guys!

[mako]

Hi

Sage had his needles this morning. The poor little fella screamed when he saw the needle(before it went into his leg) He also has ecxema. I need to put cream on him 3 times a day. I just hope it clears up soon for him.
I don't know about the rest of you but I really get upset when something happens to Sage. I had a bit of a cry before we went to the drs for the needles.Luckily I held it together when we were there. I know its silly but I hate the thought of my boy being in any pain.

I've been going through some pics of Sage as we are putting him in a new arrivals magazine for our local newspaper. They do a special mag each year for the new bubs. Its so hard trying to choose 1 to be printed and then DH and I need to come up with a little message to go along with it. Its so hard as I have so many things I want to tell Sage

I hope you are all ok.

[DJTTC]

Wow how this thread has already grown, it is fantastic to see so many of us who are sooooooooooo normal.

Willow - it is so nice to hear from you again, I remember we were in the ttc thread for ages, congrats on your little boy.

Danni - sorry to hear you are so down atm, things will get better & trust me we all have our bad days but I think it's great that you can actually admit it's hard.

I am so sick of hearing new mums say how everything is perfect, we all know they are lying because ALL babies wake up during the night & ALL babies cry.

I think it's about time mums got real & told the truth so we can all be there for each other instead of us feeling as though we aren't as perfect as them.

Sazz - I'm sorry to hear about your birth & yes it does take a long time to get over a birth, if you ever do.
Mine wasn't traumatic like yours but I'll never forget how bad (the pain) it was & I can honestly say that I'm not in a rush to do it again.
Thank god you get something wonderful at the end of it.

Hmmmm someone has bought up the subject of DTD, I've been a little scared to mention it.

Well I didn't have stitches but had very bad grazing & we didn't DTD until 10 weeks after, I did feel like I was ready but it did feel quite uncomfortable.

The next time it really, really hurt so we took another couple of weeks & then this last time it was a much better, not perfect but definately a lot better so I guess you really do just need time to heal, although I think I will still get dr to check it out down there when I go on Thursday.

I would like to hear Jason's thoughts on the subject as I never no what Dh is really thinking about it.

Mako - I too get upset when I think something may be wrong with bub & I am pretty sure that it's totally normal it just shows how good we are at being mums hey!!!
I'm dreading Jenna's needles in a couple of weeks, it was awful the first time.

Ok I hope this isn't insensitive to you Danni but I just have to tell someone that Jenna slept the whole night last night for the first time, that's right people the whole complete entire night.

It is just so exciting & I know it probably will never happen again but at least I know she can do it, too bad I woke up 3 times & checked on her because I thought their must be something wrong, lol.

Jo - 28
Dh - 34

[secochook]

Originally Posted by sazzafrazz

Jason, our bubs are the same age. It will be good to see the bloke side of things in here.
Sazz

Hi Sazz

Well I guess no matter how bad you think that your own situation is you need to always remember that there are people who have had it worse. It would appear that the 7 years wating for Luisa to arrive is only a short time compared to you waiting for Celeste!

Anyway it doesn't make it easier adjusting to the new life. I am starting to struggle now with work as DD has had a few rough nights of getting to sleep. What ever worked in the past does not seem to work the next time so there has been some late nights trying to calm her. The poor thing is suffering from reflux.

Will have to soldier on I guess but I am still refusing to take up drinking coffee!

Cheers

Jason

[secochook]

Originally Posted by DJTTC

Hmmmm someone has bought up the subject of DTD, I've been a little scared to mention it.

Well I didn't have stitches but had very bad grazing & we didn't DTD until 10 weeks after, I did feel like I was ready but it did feel quite uncomfortable.

The next time it really, really hurt so we took another couple of weeks & then this last time it was a much better, not perfect but definately a lot better so I guess you really do just need time to heal, although I think I will still get dr to check it out down there when I go on Thursday.

I would like to hear Jason's thoughts on the subject as I never no what Dh is really thinking about it.

Ok, I am not familiar with the acronym "DTD" but am guessing it is Doing The Deed". If I am wrong I will be having a red face but will take it on the chin.

Personally I am happy to wait for DW to be ready. In a lot of ways I am not ready either. We are sharing a wonderful time, well I am continuingly telling myself that it is even though it is being quite hard, which is I am enjoying. The DW also didn't have a high libido during her PG so it has been a long time between drinks. We have cuddled a lot so there is still physical contact in the relationship. I imagine that it depends on bloke to bloke but I would imagine that in a loving relationship you can wait until it is time.

I hope that that makes some sense. If not ask me for clarification.

Cheers

Jason

[secochook]

Originally Posted by DJTTC

Danni - sorry to hear you are so down atm, things will get better & trust me we all have our bad days but I think it's great that you can actually admit it's hard.

I am so sick of hearing new mums say how everything is perfect, we all know they are lying because ALL babies wake up during the night & ALL babies cry.

I think it's about time mums got real & told the truth so we can all be there for each other instead of us feeling as though we aren't as perfect as them.

Jo

I am with you on this. Is it wrong to want to slap these people? I'm not sure whether it is because we were LTTTC or just our personalitoes but I don't think that the DW or myself have fallen into this Parents' Cult thing that I have heard about. I don't think that I can sit around and BS about how perfect it all is when the whole parenting thing has just been damn hard work since the start. It is hard to get rid of the bitterness and I still don't think I fit in with all the extended family and friends and their views on conceiving and parenting.

A bit of a rant, sorry, maybe just a bit tired.

Cheers

Jason

[summerluven]

Rant away Jason. We have friends who BS all the time and it drives us nucking futs. What is wrong with a little bit of honesty, especially when it will probably turn out to give comfort to those that are sitting there listening to you, rather than putting a gloss on everything and making people feel that they are somehow lacking or not coping.

I take my hat off to you for being happy to wait for DW to be ready. I know that a few of my girlfriends are copping a bit of grief at the moment. Things aren't perfect with DH and I, bit long between drinks over here too, but he generally copes very well with it and that makes me love him more.

[Willow]

I agree that there is a whole 'Mothering Myth' (or 'Parenting Myth' as the case may be Jason), I was discussing it with my shrink last week (guys, I wasn't joking when I said I was in therapy!! ) I try to be totally honest about what it's like to be a mum, I don't gloss it or paint a pretty picture. If DS is sleeping like crap, I say he's sleeping like crap. If he's having a bad day, I say he's having a bad day.

I am very paranoid though that people will perceive this as me being unhappy or not enjoying my son which is just total BS. I find I'm a bit more likely these days to say 'he's great' even though that might not be the total truth. Another manifestation of ltttc/ac and that feeling that you should be forever and eternally grateful every day. But not every day is sunshine and rainbows, that's for sure.

I was pretty mortified when someone replied to one of my posts here on BB and said I sounded 'unfulfilled' in my role as a mother. Ouch. That really hurt and I've been stewing on it for days....

DJTTC - I remember you from our ttc thread! You got your BFP not long after mine

[Rach75]

I am so sick of hearing new mums say how everything is perfect, we all know they are lying because ALL babies wake up during the night & ALL babies cry.

I think it's about time mums got real & told the truth so we can all be there for each other instead of us feeling as though we aren't as perfect as them.

yes parenting can be hard but bare in mind sometimes life with a baby is easy, I am one of the lucky mums who is what you are describing above to be honest I never found it hard, we started TTC when jacks was 8 weeks because of this very reason...sure we have had a couple of bad nights but they are few and far between...I actuaqlly stopped telling my friends and family how everything was going because they kept saying I was lying

anyway hope you dont mind me commenting

[Willow]

sometimes life with a baby is easy

Absolutely Rach, I will agree that with DD from about 6 months on, it was easy, very easy!! She ended up being a great sleeper, was always a very happy, content baby. And I'm sure that I'll get to that stage with DS too but right now, it is hard at times and I am tired a lot.

I also think it comes down to personality and how people perceive things differently - I for example become very anxious when DS isn't sleeping well and will call that a 'bad' day. You on the other hand might take it all in your stride and think 'oh well, tomorrow will be better' and it's not a big deal, so when someone asks you how he is, you say 'he's great!' and that's genuinely how you feel...OK, did that make any sense??!! LOL!

[Rach75]

thanks Willow

Jack seriously is the most placid calm child it really is only now at 17mths (today) that he is being a bit of a pain just getting a attitude

he slept thru from 10 weeks, very rarely cried, has 14 teeth and all thru with no drama besides being a little clingy

but thanks for commenting

I didn't want to offend anyone, but people say I feel guilty to complain and I feel for them, but there are those of us who feel guilty for having it easy IYKWIM!!!!

:hugs: to all

[sushee]

Charlie wasn't an easy baby, or a particularly difficult baby either, but when someone asks me what parenting is like for me, I usually say 'great' and I mean it. It doesn't mean parenting is not hard, but to me, the good outweighs the bad almost always, so the short answer will always be 'great'. The long answer would be 'there are moments I want to tear my hair out, and there are moments when all I can do is cry, and there are moments when I feel like I can't cope, but when things are good, it more than balances all that bad stuff out"

But when I do feel like it's all too much, the last thing I would want to hear is how I'm seeming to be 'unfulfilled' as a mum - holy cow Willow I'm shocked anyone would say that to you! Kick a person while they're down, why don't you? There is that expectation from the public for sure that we somehow should be more grateful for what we have. I remember a thread where it was discussed (Do you remember Willow?) and was shocked by how it is assumed that LTTTCers are somehow more indebted to the rest of society for the 'gift' of our children. While I personally may feel more grateful than someone who can fall pg easily, it's no one else's place to tell me I should feel that way.