Parenting After LT TTC ~ January - April 2008

[Willow]

Oh yeah Sush, I remember it!! Nothing p's me off more than that sentiment. Like we don't give ourselves a hard enough time??

Kick a person while they're down, why don't you?

That's exactly how I felt! And I felt like I was posting about a genuine concern, I have no idea why they jumped to that conclusion. Yes I was stressed and probably came across that way in my post but sheesh, wasn't expecting that! I actually felt quite ashamed, knowing the whole BB community could read the post too

when someone asks me what parenting is like for me, I usually say 'great' and I mean it.

I would most definitely agree!! It is the single most important and treasured part of my life. I wouldn't have put myself through the past 2 years if I didn't love it. But I do admit that some days I don't cope and some days I am pulling my hair out....I guess it just helps in some way to know you aren't the only one having one of those days.

[sazzafrazz]

Crikey Willow, I would have been mortified too! My best friend made some very unsupportive comments about her friend (who I dont really know) who was going through IVF and having a hard time accepting other peoples pregnancies. I told her very firmly but kindly that it is incredibly difficult. She quickly backtracked with a red face but I was shocked to know that was how she really felt.

People stop me in the street everyday here. Its a small town I have lived in forever and I know so many ppl. They always ask "is she a good baby?" What am I supposed to say to that? NO send her back she is no good..... I usually say that she is having trouble with colic but is perfect in every other way. It isnt her fault that she has it. She isnt screaming in pain every night just to get on my nerves. Poor thing cant help it!!! As if you could have a 5week old baby who is BAD!!!

A lot of people are asking if I am loving being a mum, including my doctor. Again, what do they want to hear? Actually I am loving it but what if I wasnt, would they want to know? What would their reaction be?

As for the parenting myth. I havent really had much to do with that but I have made comments in my baby buddies group (which you should join Jason!!!) that I wished they didnt cr@p on so much in the antenatal classes about what a magical, euphoric moment labour and birth is. Sure there is the overwhelming love and joy when the baby is born but for crying out loud ... almost everyone struggles with massive pain or really long labour or the terror when something goes wrong. Who actually has a perfect birth? Just be honest and say it hurts a lot, it is scary and sometimes things go a bit unexpected but at the end it is totally worth it.

Well, must go. I feel like crap. I wonder if I have the beginnings of mastitis? Hope not....

[Kimnastics]

They always ask "is she a good baby?" What am I supposed to say to that? NO send her back she is no good.....

I found that question really silly and hard to answer too. I don't believe there is such a thing as a bad baby. They don't choose to have reflux, or get overtired, etc. And also "is he sleeping through yet?" I usually just say that he doesn't sleep through at night, but I never expected him to.

re: putting a rosy spin on parenting - I notice that ppl always tell you when their babies sleep through at night, but hardly ever mention that it was a one-off or only happens a couple of nights a week. So it is easy to think that everyone else's baby is sleeping through every night (and what am I doing wrong), when I just don't think this is the case. I know some babies do sleep through from very little, but I don't think it is as common as society in general portrays.

Sazz/Jason - I think the first 6 weeks with the baby is the hardest. I didn't always know why DS was crying, struggled to get him to sleep in his bassinette, and was overtired all the time. However, I felt it was harder on my DH as I found the BF hormones kept me generally happy and I could nap in the day when Hayden slept. Poor DH would try to help out at night, then go to work (and had no happy hormones). Hayden certainly has his bad days now (teething - arrgh!) but mixes in smiles and giggles which melt my heart on even the grizzliest days.

Sushee/Willow - I can't believe someone on BB would insinuate that LTTTC'ers should be more grateful for their babies. I love Hayden so much, and feel very lucky to have him. However, it took a lot of time, money, emotion and sacrifices to get him, so he would be the most hard-earned 'gift' I've ever received.

I sometimes feel that I have to prove that I deserve to be a mother because it was harder for me to fall pg. Which I logically know is silly, but the feeling is still there.

[sushee]

Originally Posted by Kimnastics

it took a lot of time, money, emotion and sacrifices to get him, so he would be the most hard-earned 'gift' I've ever received.

Here, here Kim!

Originally Posted by Kimnastics

I sometimes feel that I have to prove that I deserve to be a mother because it was harder for me to fall pg. Which I logically know is silly, but the feeling is still there.

Me too. It's silly I agree, Kim, and I'm sure we're our own worst enemies, because I know personally that I strive so hard to be this perfect mum to Charlie, to the point of being really hard on myself sometimes. I feel like I can't take a second of our time together for granted, which, if anyone else is like me (and I bet many of you are) it puts incredible, irrational pressures on us! We don't need society making us feel neurotic, we're doing fine on our own thanks very much!

[Willow]

I know personally that I strive so hard to be this perfect mum to Charlie, to the point of being really hard on myself sometimes. I feel like I can't take a second of our time together for granted, which, if anyone else is like me (and I bet many of you are) it puts incredible, irrational pressures on us!

Sushee - this is me exactly. I have really struggled with it at times when I feel like we aren't meeting those expectations I have created somewhere in my head. I think it is intensified by the fact that we lost our second baby, I didn't get to bring that baby home so I need to make this time PERFECT to prove that I deserved this second chance. Rationally I know that's nuts, but emotionally, it's a different story.

[secochook]

Originally Posted by sazzafrazz

As for the parenting myth. I havent really had much to do with that but I have made comments in my baby buddies group (which you should join Jason!!!) that I wished they didnt cr@p on so much in the antenatal classes about what a magical, euphoric moment labour and birth is. Sure there is the overwhelming love and joy when the baby is born but for crying out loud ... almost everyone struggles with massive pain or really long labour or the terror when something goes wrong. Who actually has a perfect birth? Just be honest and say it hurts a lot, it is scary and sometimes things go a bit unexpected but at the end it is totally worth it.

Well, must go. I feel like crap. I wonder if I have the beginnings of mastitis? Hope not....

Hi Sazz

I am aware of that group and its predecesor group of Belly Buddies. I did follow a lot of it as I wanted to guage how this whole pg thing was going for women other than the DW. As we were bitter and twisted we didn't pay any attention to how friends and family coped with their pregnancies. I have the feeling that those groups are more for the mothers so I have not wanted to impose. (There is some history to a comment I had made in the Men's Forum which was misunderstood so I am cautious of where I decide to post)

With regard to the Mastitis my DW got a bit of it but she acted straight away and went to the doc. I think that be doing that she may have avoided i worse experience. Although it was not pleasant!

Cheers

Jason

[secochook]

Originally Posted by Kimnastics

Sazz/Jason - I think the first 6 weeks with the baby is the hardest. I didn't always know why DS was crying, struggled to get him to sleep in his bassinette, and was overtired all the time. However, I felt it was harder on my DH as I found the BF hormones kept me generally happy and I could nap in the day when Hayden slept. Poor DH would try to help out at night, then go to work (and had no happy hormones). Hayden certainly has his bad days now (teething - arrgh!) but mixes in smiles and giggles which melt my heart on even the grizzliest days.

I have found that helping out at night and going to work very difficult. It would be great if I could have a nap a couple of times a day but the current work/life culture has still not fully aligned I don't think. It is currently the norm, or perceived to be the norm that the father takes a completely active role in the feeding/settling process. I am very happy to do this. Unfortunately at work, the culture is that you have no sympathy from male colleagues as they either didn't help out or also weren't given any sympathy so they won't give you anyway.

I am jealous that DW can nap during the day but then again I want her to do it and encourage her to do because she does have it worse than me at the moment as she is breast feeding. I know it takes a lot energy for women to do this and they need the rest. Sometimes you get selfish and want to complain but you can't or shouldn't. I wish I was 15 years younger as I think I could handle the lack of sleep better!

Well we are almost at the six week period so I hope that Luisa will settle in to a routine better. But I have heard the difficult period can last longer. One of the Mother's Cult accidently let that tidbit slip!!!

What is good at the moment is that we do get smiles quite often. It does help!

Cheers

Jason

[mako]

Wow you have all been very busy chatting away in here. I won't attempt to catch up with all of you but I will say that yes this parenting business seems to get a little easier but then something will always pop up and throw a spanner in the works.
Sage has been pretty settled lately and then he has begun teething and then we had his needles yesterday and now everything is all over the place. He was very unsettled yesterday and lastnight. Today he has a temperature and hasn't been feeding as much as he normally does.He has only just gone down for a nap. He usually has had atleast 1 before now but not today. He screams whenever I go to put him down

Sazz I hope you can get the mastitis sorted out before it gets too bad hun. I have had it 3 times since having Sage. It is really painful hey?? Just know that I'm here if you need anything. I found I needed to express alot while I had it and also hot showers worked a treat. Look after yourself hun.

Jason You sound like you are a wonderful husband. Good on you for helping your dw. It is a tough job for you guys too. I know that my dh struggles sometimes too. He does do his best but it is hard as he has to work long hours too. I don't know about you but my dh didn't have any time off when I had Sage. He only had the day off when he was born and he was back at work the very next day. It was very tough for him and the worst part about it, he works for his father.

I can't understand some of the questions we are asked constantly like is he/she a good baby? Are you bfeeding??? What is it when strangers ask you that?? Why do they think its thier business?? I can't understand that.

Hi to you all

[DJTTC]

Jason - you sound like a wonderful husband & father, good on you. I can only imagine how hard it is having sleepless nights & then having to go to work, but try to hang in there it does get better.

Willow - I can't believe that someone would be so insensitive to say you sound unfullfilled, some pp just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!

Rachel - I am happy for you that you have been lucky with your baby but I really do think you are one of very few who have an easy time (I obviously do know that their are some easy bubs & I hope you don't feel I was being horrible).

For me having a difficult pg & long painful labour was hard.
Breastfeeding was hard.
Having bub scream from 5 - 9pm every night suffering with colic was hard.
Having bub want a feed every 2 hours at night & then myself not being able to sleep during the day was exremely hard.
Not having time alone with Dh has been hard.

But in spite of all this it is worth it because:

Loving your baby is EASY.
Wanting the best for bub is easy.
Seeing bub smiling & giggling is soooooooooo easy.
Watching them grow & learn new things is easy.
I could think of a lot more things but ykwim.

I must admit as bub is getting older things are becoming much easier & I find my princess an absolute joy (doesn't mean I want to go through it again any time soon, lol).

Mako - hope Sage feels better soon.

Sazz - you might need to get onto the boob thing before it gets really bad, hopefully its not mastitis.

I totally agree with you all there is no such thing as a bad baby, the poor buggers I'm sure labour is not a nice time for them either & then their tummies adjusting to milk,etc.
I'm sure it's a much nicer place in the womb.

Jo - 28
Dh - 34

[Kimnastics]

Jason - This is totally OT, but I think the baby buddies groups are for both mothers and fathers and would love to have some fathers post on the one I am in - Aug 07. I understand why you are reluctant, but I'd like to think that you would be accepted. I read your spit in the men's forum and was thinking of posting to agree with you, but thought it would be a little hypocritical to post in the men's forum that women shouldn't reply to posts in the men's forum (so I didn't). I don't normally read the men's forum threads but I kept seeing women's names replying on the thread so curiosity got the better of me.

Jo - What you wrote about loving your baby being easy is so beautiful and so true. I love it.

[sazzafrazz]

Hey there!
I made a huuuuge post yesterday and had to attend to Celeste before submitting it. DH came home and immediately closed this up so it was lost! Bit annoyed about that but I will add it to the list of annoying things other halves do sometimes. hehe.

I have adjusted to having a new baby really well I think. I also think DH hasnt really made a lot of changes to his life at all!!! He started off so supportive and helpful but the last couple of weeks he has slipped back into all his old routines. Last friday night I cracked a small narna at him because he had gone out and played squash every night except for tuesday night, which he worked so couldnt. By 7pm friday when he had been gone for 2hours I phoned him on his mobile, with a screaming baby in my arms, asking him to come home as I couldnt cook tea or go to the toilet or anything and I hadnt seen him all week. He came home quite sheepishly and said he had lost track of time. Oh, yeah, and what day it was as well????? I think he realised he needs to give me a bit more of a break cause he turned down the opportunity to play again on Monday night Celeste is a bit colicky in the evenings and it can be very draining having her scream for 4hours every night. I just need a break sometimes!!! Anyhow, he has since been settling her in the evenings a lot more. I will go to bed after feeding her and he will get her down. Thank goodness! I need to make my needs heard I think. I guess I am doing the "perfect mother" thing you have been talking about, thinking I should be able to cope with everything easily and without complaint as I have wanted this baby for so long and so much. But in reality it is difficult sometimes having a newborn. I can say I am having a hard time or that I need help. ... ok, need to get that into my head: ok to ask for help.

Saw my old boss today and had a brief chat. She asked how Celeste was doing with her sleeping and feeding etc. Then she asked "so, what else have you been doing with yourself?" as though I have hours and hours of free time up my sleeve and am just watching telly all day. I was ammused! It takes me till lunch time some days to get showered and dressed. It can take 4 trips out to the line to get one load of washing hung out, 20mins or more to unpack the dishwasher etc. Everything just takes sooo much longer to do. I am sure this will improve but then she will start being on the move crawling and walking and it will all take so long again hehehe. No wonder being a stay at home parent is full time work.

Jason, I hope you are getting all the wonderful changes that week 6 brings... Celsete had a great time this morning on her lambskin with her nappy off. She has wrist and ankle toys and was having a great time. I went to make the bed and could hear her giggling in the other room. Too cute. I am also getting cute smiles when she is playing around at the end of a feed or if I take off her wet nappy she gives me a nice thank you smile. It is wonderful ! I really think you should come into the baby buddies group. It is for parents of babies born then, not for mothers of babies born then. I went to find out what the controversy was you were talking about and I think you put it very well and I agree. It is a pitty some people take things the wrong way on here sometimes but I guess it is hard to hear the feeling when things are typed rather than spoken. Give it some thought anyhow.

As for the mastitis, false alarm. It must have been just a fluey bug cause mostly it has passed. fingers crossed.

Hmm, was heaps of stuff I thought of yesterday but it has all gone out of my mind now. Oh well.

[DJTTC]

Sazz - you poor thing, I would have went off at dh way sooner than you did.
I think sometimes that just don't get how time consuming looking after a baby is & they do need reminding.

I can't imagine what it would be like being a single parent, I think I would go crazy.

Hopefully the colic will settle down soon, we used to have Jenna screaming from 5 - 9pm every night & it was very upsetting for all of us.

I can totally relate to not having a shower before lunchtime & this morning it took me two hours to vaccum downstairs because bubby was unsettled (teething).

Jo - 28
Dh - 34

[Rach75]

Originally Posted by DJTTC

[Rachel - I am happy for you that you have been lucky with your baby but I really do think you are one of very few who have an easy time (I obviously do know that their are some easy bubs & I hope you don't feel I was being horrible).

I was worried you would think I was horrible for my reply no definatly nothing against you I was just a bit taken back by the

I am so sick of hearing new mums say how everything is perfect, we all know they are lying because ALL babies wake up during the night & ALL babies cry.

I think it's about time mums got real & told the truth so we can all be there for each other instead of us feeling as though we aren't as perfect as them.

anyway all good

[monnie]

Hey guys

How's everyone doing?

Mako...how's Sage going? Poor little fellow...teething and needles...same thing happened to Felix! I hope Sage feels like his normal little self soon!

Sazz...I know what you mean about everything taking SO much longer! I still struggle to get out of my pj's before lunch time! I hope the 4 hours crying stops soon. I remember something similar with Felix...5pm-9pm was hard work! But it definitely got better...and now we don't have anything like that!

DJTTC...love what you wrote about baby being easy! Babies are such hard work...but so easy to absolutely love, hey? I still look at Felix and can't quite believe that he exists...

Rach75...that's so great that Jack is doing so well! What a wonderful start! And to cope with the teething so well, that's fantastic!

Willow...so sorry you had to be on the receiving end of that comment. I think it's so important to be real...and say how it REALLY is! It's not negativity, it's realism!

Jason...you sound like a great DH! I agree, the first 6 weeks are the toughest! Definitely! There are little challenges that continue to pop up as bubs grows, but you feel so much more able to cope with it. Hang in there!

Kimnastics...hope all is going well!

Sushee...how you doing chickie? Is Charlie doing any better with his appetite? I'm sure it will sort itself out...

Hope I haven't missed anyone...sorry if I have...

As for us, we're doing well. Starting to feel like we've got more of a grip on things now. In the last 6 months, had a much wanted baby, we've lived with my parents for 4 (had house renovations...moved in with my parents when Felix was 1 week old!), my DH finished his PhD, we moved back home again, my DH got a new job and I went back to work (part-time!)...so are just now feeling like we sort of feel like what's going on! Phew!

[mako]

Hi

I hope you are all having a good weekend.

Sage is still having trouble with his teeth.I just wish it would pop through and we can get our happy little boy back.Its so cruel when he is sleeping soundly and all of a sudden he will let out an almighty scream in pain.To make matters worse I have mastitis again.I just hope it gets better soon.

Monnie You sure have had a very busy 6 months hey.Such exciting times too.I'm pleased that Felix is settling down now too.

Jo I also love what you wrote about babies being easy.
How is Jenna doing? I hope the teething isn't too bad for any of you.

I'd better go as dinner is almost done. mmm. baked dinner.. YUM!!!!

[Rach75]

well we have been busy busy, drove up to rocky (2hrs away) tuesday arvie Jack slept the whole way then when we got there did some errands he was so good we went out for tea happy happy again, makes life a lot easier from when we left till we got back to mums after tea was nearly 6 hrs...then wed we had some shopping to do in morning and a RE appoint in arvie which was running 1 hr 20min behind so odid some flood sight seeing with mum and Jack slept on the drive home he chatted and sang and laughed for the first half then I pulle dover got some nuggets I had cooked out of esky and passed them back to him and that kept him happy for the last hr

then I had 2 days of babysitting I look after a 13mth old 3-5 days aweek so we have been busy busy

[Kimnastics]

Sazz - Your DH sounds like mine and I have to have words with him every few months to remind him he wanted a child too so it would be nice if he could spend some time home with DS. Glad your DH is home more now and more supportive. I have a very clingy boy and the first few months I could only put him on his mat to play for long enough to make lunch or go to the toilet so I was in my PJ's most of the day and spending long enough in the shower to wash my hair became a luxury (no wonder my DH didn't want to come home ). You sound like you are doing really well to get so much housework done.

Mako & Jo - Hopefully your babies' teeth will come through soon. Hayden had teething grizzles and clinginess on and off for a month before he actually got any teeth. He didn't grizzle at all for the actual cutting of the teeth through the gum, just all the teeth moving before that.

Rach - Glad that Jack is doing really well

Monnie - Wow, all that moving/living with parents must have been unsettling for you. Yay to DH for completing his PhD.

Hayden can crawl and sit and is now happy to play by himself. However, he is up to mischief in an instant. Yesterday, he found the dogs waterbowl and was splashing water everywhere. And grabbed the bin liner and almost pulled the bin over on himself. I'm still getting used to being a SAHM and trying to figure out what will be appealing to a baby and putting it out of reach. We thought we were prepared having put childproof devices on the cupboards, attaching the fishtank and TV permanently to the walls and moving lots of stuff up higher. Looks like we still have more to do. Obviously I supervise him but he doesn't take long to move across the room. On the up side, the house has never been cleaner as I have to prioritise cleaning - he sticks anything he can find in his mouth (tufts of dog fur are apparently particularly appealing).

I hope everyone else is going well.