Parenting After a Loss ~ January 2008

[Michelle71]

Lynn - perfectly normal ..... unfortunately Those first few weeks (or months) are such hard work and all they do is cry, feed, sleep and poop - although sleep can seem in short supply.

Thanks Spring

Well they grow up so fast. In the past few weeks we can wave, do some signs (baby sign), say bub, mum, dad and the top 2 teeth are nearly through. Consequently, he is in a mood this morning. BBL

[mako]

Oh my goodness its great to see that I'm not the only one who sends dh in to check on ds if he's slept longer than usuall. It makes me feel kinda "normal"lol.

Michelle :hugs::hugs: to you for yesterday.

Lynn It still feels like its eat, sleep, cry, cry, poop here hun. I have to say that we do get lots of smiles here now though which makes it all so worth while.

Willow Its hard not to wish our bubs lives away at times isn't it. I always look forward to the next little milestone and dh is always saying "oh I can't wait til he does this or this etc". I have to say that I really am looking forward to the talking stage and asking SOOOOO many questions.

Sage isn't well today. He had his needles yesterday and he was a bit unsettled but today he has a temperature and is only having his 1st sleep now for the day. He isn't feeding as much today either so I'm a little concerned. I have given him some panadol but it hasn't made a huge difference yet. I'm keeping a very very close eye on him.

Hope you are all ok

[Bun]

Wow, it really is great to find this group. Good on you Willow for making it happen!

My story seems like nothing compared to what some of you have been through. Reading your stories brings tears running down my face. What some of us have to go through to finally bring our precious little darlings into the world is unbelievable, but you are all such strong brave women. Remembering what we went through and reading your stories really brings home what a miracle it is to have children in our lives to love and cherish. Sometimes I just stare at Catherine in amazement that we made this little darling, and she is here with us! I know my DH also feels the same way.

I am sure a lot of you know my story anyway, and it sounds like nothing compared to a lot of you, but maybe I will run through it next time.

Janie - I can't get used to the new name either! Like you, I also wonder what I will be like in future pregnancies - it would be nice to be able to enjoy it, but I spent most of my last pregnancy stressing and reckon this is how they all will be now unfortunately. I also wonder how my losses may have effected my parenting, but I guess it's hard to know for sure. I do know that I will never take being a parent for granted - I guess that's one thing having a loss or losses does for us - we realise it is not a given that everyone will have happy healthy children, so we really cherish the children we are blessed with.

Willow - I also worry about wishing DD's life away. I can't wait for her to start smiling and responding, and I am sure then I will be waiting for her to start talking and walking...

mako - I hope poor little Sage is feeling better!

[Lynn]

Thanks guys. I went to a settling class today but it seems that I am doing everything right but in talking with other mums I think he may have reflux. I have booked in to see the dr to get it checked out but everything he is doing seems to lean towards reflux. I am going to raise the cot at one end tonight and see if that helps too. It was interesting though in a video that we watched they say that they feed, play, sleep. I never get to do the play bit because he is always crying after a feed. Maybe it is the reflux because he always wants to be over the shoulder or on his tum, if he is on his back he cries. Did your bubs play at 6 weeks or is it too early?

Mako - oh poor Sage, I hope he is feeling better soon. I have to do the needles in 2 more weeks with Ethan - I hope he is ok.

Michelle - how exciting Oscar is talking! It must be beautiful to hear him say mum and dad.

Spring - Yay on your excellent night! I hope Oliver is just as good tonight.

[Spring Angel]

Michelle: I can't believe DS can say mum, Bub and Dad. How totally adorable, we will have to get together soon.

Mako: I hope Sage is on the improve. It is horrible when they aren't well so sending you a big brave mumma cuddle

Bun: Catherine is so cute. The pic in your ticker is just the sweetest, congrats!

Lynn: it will get better. I know it doesn't seem like it at the moment but it does get better. Play for a 6 week old consists of looking into your eyes while you are talking to them, perhaps a song or two. At this point in their life listening to mumma's voice is their entertainment system. He may be interested in some newborn toys (I have some if you want to borrow) but don't be surprised if he just stares at them. Oliver would also scream after a feed, I thought he had reflux also and I guess he did because he would get this terrible gurgling sound and then do a huge spew. He also had the hiccups on a regular basis and often made that terrible gag sound. But I read in a thread somewhere that most babies have reflux to a certain degree and the good news is they do grow out of it without any need for medication, it is just mighty messy in the meantime. I hope it isn't what Ethan has, but if so rest assured it will get better. Once this darn cold is a bit better, I can come over (or you can come here) and I'll take him off your hands for an hour or two. I know how hard it is when they just keep crying, it seems like it will never end and it makes it hard to go anywhere and you feel trapped in your own home, but hey, I bet you that Ollie would have given Ethan a run for his money in the screaming stakes. I remember one night was almost 10 hours on and off. makes me shudder just to remember it but as I said, it will get better.

Well the little munchkin is down, I'm thinking one more feed and then hopefully (she says crossing everything possible) we are in for another good night.

Big love
Spring

[Willow]

Michelle - so glad to see you in here! I can't believe the little guy is talking already, the time really does fly...I'm glad you got through yesterday OK. Those days are always so hard. I'm glad your baby girl sent you some clouds...

Spring - yey for a good night! Hope you have another one tonight. L is still up because he didn't wake from his afternoon 'nap' till 6.30pm - I had to go and wake him! So he probably won't go down for another half an hour or so. Have no idea what sort of a night we'll have, he usually goes down a bit earlier. We'll see

Mako - I hope Sage is feeling better hun. Needles are awful You've actually reminded me that we need to make an appt to have ours done next week. Blah! I hate them so much, I swear I get more upset than he does!

Lynn - just want to send you a big The first few weeks were really tough for us too. L was pretty unsettled and had a lot of colic. I've never been so tired in all my life! But a few short months down the track, things are SOOOO much better and so much easier. Hang in there! Play time at that age for us was basically just laying on a rug or in his bouncer/rocker looking around and talking to me.

I'm not having such a great day today. Not sure exactly what's happened, I think a combination of things. Have spent the last two days with prg friends and they were both showing me u/sound pics etc. Instead of feeling excited and happy for them as I'd expect, I felt....anxious? Nervous? I have no idea why. I guess it just reminds me how hard those 9 months were and that pregnancy will never be the same for me again, even if it's someone else's pregnancy. So then that made me feel really awful. One of my prg friends came over this afternoon so I could give her some maternity clothes. I was going through them and found a top I'd brought when I was prg with my angel. I never got big enough to wear it. It still has the tags attached but I couldn't bear to give it to her. So I put it away in my memory box where I keep all of my precious things (prg tests, u/sound photos, cards that I was given etc). Seeing all of that stuff didn't help I guess.

I just have days where I think will this sadness ever pass? Am I ever going to get over this? I just want to get over it....

I'm feeling really sad about the fact that I've pretty much decided I won't be having another baby. I just don't think I could do another year like last year. I just don't think I've got it left in me. Makes me feel a bit weak and defeated.

The other thing playing on my mind is my session with my psychologist tomorrow. He's been preparing me for a few weeks and tomorrow we're going to talk about some of the really awful stuff about our loss, the images that pop into my head, the memories I have all of that sort of stuff (he seems to think I may have PTSD to some degree). I spend so much time trying not to think about that stuff that I'm really scared about stopping and taking a good look.

Anyway, pretty selfish post, so sorry bout that but just wanted to get that out. Never ceases to surprise me how this stuff creeps up on me at the most unexpected times...

[Spring Angel]

Big hugs Willow :hugs: I still find anything to do with pregnancy tough. Even if I see a complete stranger I think 'why does she deserve to enjoy her pregnancy and I didn't'. I totally understand how you feel. About the psychologist, I don't know if you know but I was diagnosed with PTSD early last year. I am back at counselling now and boy it does hurt to go back into all those dark memories, but once they are out in the open, it is so much easier to learn how to deal with them. Some sessions I can barely speak because I am so upset, but I know if I don't deal with these feelings now, they are not just going to go away on their own. I hope tomorrow goes well for you, just take it at your pace.

Lv Spring

[Michelle71]

Willow - I still have to make a concerted effort not to transfer my personal fears onto others. My SIL is just over Caitlyn's delivery age and in the past few weeks I have been reluctant to talk to her about the pregnancy, how she feels, movements etc. She is having a girl too which is hard but also exciting. I can spoil her little one but at the same time we should have the first little girl in the family - well we do, but I really mean a living one.

I don't think the fear will ever leave. We are forever tarnished by our experiences. But that doesn't make them less valuable. We just don't get to be blissfully happy when pregnant because we have seen and experienced what the possible negative results could be.

Me - I am wanting to be pregnant again. I know the risks. I know the fear. I know it won't be easy - getting there or being pregnant. But my desire for another baby or two outweighs any of that. In fact, it makes me somewhat more determined. If I can get through this last pregnancy and still be (somewhat) sane, I can do it again. What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger.

As for you - you need this release. Not that you feel like you want to do it but facing your fears can give you some perspective. What is real fear and what is fear created through your experiences. How can you manage both of them and still stay sane. You are not weak - far from it. You have survived and you have the DH and V and L to prove it. You are doing a fabulous job of mummyhood and this is just giving you the skills to manage the impact of your loss I know every day I have to check myself to make sure I am doing things for the right reason and not because I am scared the world will turn again and suddenly I will be facing the loss of my child again.

Bun and Mako - good to see you here too!! Hi Janie!!

Lynn and Spring - when is the next meet??? I have a new baby or two to see. Just need some warning now so I can change shifts but I would love to see you again.

Deb - hope you are well

Me - today is OK. The little man is really unhappy and unsettled with his teeth but soooooo cute. My heart just melts and his personality is just getting better every day. I asked DH if you can continue to love them even more with each passing day. I feel like I do and I am so ready to add to him. It is all going so quickly and in just over 3 months he will be 1 - where did the time go??

[Janie]

Lovely to see all these beautiful mummas in here!

I too really struggle with transfering my fears onto others. It's very unpleasant, and I wish I could reserve those fears for myself, but I just can't. I have friends who had babies around the time of my angel's EDD and I want to say to them 'do you know how lucky you are?'. But of course I can't, and they probably do . It's not for me to judge, I feel terrible about it, yet I can't help it.

Michelle, wishing you all the best in your TTC efforts. I know it's a hard thing for you to face, but you're right, you are stronger now, and although it won't make things easier, you have the knowledge now that you CAN get through it. And the reward is so sweet. I am so looking forward to sharing your next pg journey, and the birth of your beautiful, healthy baby.

I do think you can love them more every day - at least I do. As his personality emerges I fall more and more in love with him Even when he's teething (like now ) and cranky, not sleeping etc, I just love to cuddle him close and tell him that mummy loves him. DS is 1 in about 6 weeks time, and I feel like it's all slipping away too fast, we have to make the most of this time.

[Michelle71]

Janie - I only got through the pregnancy with Oscar because of beautiful people like you (and Deb, Willow, BW, Lynn, Spring etc and the very many I am sure I missed) It was those friendships and support that made me realise I could do it again, because they would stand beside me and help me through the rough patches. I also know that if I was to (heaven forbid) experience a loss again, I know I will get through that dark place to the other side. My DH will be there and so will all of you.

I can't believe your little man is 1 in 6 weeks!!!! Where did that go?? I remember your birth like it was only yesterday. Are you going to join me TTC

[Willow]

Michelle - I know I have to do this, not only for me but for my family. I need to find how to carry this around with me in a way that doesn't burden me, rather is just another part of who I am...you know? I feel like it's been sitting on my chest for 2 years and I just can't breathe sometimes. I want to stop thinking about my life in terms of 'before' when I was happy and safe and not scared and 'after' when I just feel...I dunno - damaged goods It's not just the loss, it's the illness, the surgeries, the infertility, IVF etc etc. I'm struggling with the idea of not having another, I always, always wanted 3 but a lot has changed between then and now and it's not just me that makes this decision. DH is not all that keen for a repeat performance himself! But that's a decision that will be made in final some time in the future I guess.

Spring - thanks hun. Took me a looooong time to go back to counselling and to stick with it this time but I think if I didn't, my family would have committed me! LOL. I'm just scared, that's all. Scared of how those memories make me feel and saying some of those things out loud.

Sez (do you mind if I still call you that??) - I have a cousin who is very young (19 now) and naive and single who had a baby the same month I was due. It was REALLY hard to see her pregnancy progress when mine ended and I've always found it difficult to see her little girl. I got a phone call from my mum this week saying that she was in the burns unit at the children's hospital after pulling a cup of hot tea on her. Man, I cried and cried for that little girl (and felt like a goose, I don't think my mum gets how I feel about her). I imagined how I'd feel if she was mine. It's hard having babies around who will always remind you.

And yes, you definitely fall in love with them more each day! I guess that's one positive thing about a baby that comes after loss. You really savour the moments and appreciate how lucky you are that this little being is there in your arms. Nearly 4 months later I look at him and think "God, you really are here. We really did it".

[Michelle71]

Willow - there are still moments when DH says he just wants me to be happy. I am happy, but there are different degrees of happy and I worry sometimes my happiness will always have a tinge of the sad. You have made such progress recently to get to this point Dealing with this will be a positive, and you never know, number 3 could sneak up on you when you least expect it

[Willow]

LOL Michelle, I will admit to secret fantasies that my one good ovary and my one unblocked tube with do their thing and meet with DHs self proclaimed 'super sperm' ( luckily he has the test results to back him up so I let him get away with it) and a little miracle will occur! Not likely when 5 months of clomid couldn't do the trick

[Michelle71]

Yep, I know. People keep saying now I've had one (two actually and I still needed 6 cycles of clomid for Oscar) I'll fall pregnant without trying I can dream. Already planning the gynae trip for a clomid script when the boy turns one. In the meantime, practice makes perfect Just gotta convince DH to try more often

[mako]

Willow I hope your appointment was as ok as possible today hun. I can't offer you any advice on wether to ttc #3 or not. Only you and your dh can decide that. Whatever the decision maybe you know that you've got my support 100%

Michelle I wish you the absolute best for your next bub.

Spring How did DS go last night?

We are going to "actively" try for our next bub in January next year but I certainly won't be doing anything to prevent it from happening before then iykwim. I'm not allowed to go back on the pill and I refuse to get the injections etc so if DH wants to prevent it then I say its up to him

Anyway we had an awful time last night with Sage. He wouldn't settle and refused to feed for what seemed like hours(it was 3 hours actaully). His temp was up and I was on the verge of taking him to the hospital. I gave him another bath(the 3rdfor the day) to try and get him to settle and he finally fed after that one thankgoodness. He finally went to sleep at 11.30pm but he was up again at 2am. I just felt so helpless and I really didn't know what else I was going to do.
He is better today. He went to his Nans while I went to work and he has been asleep since I brought him home. His temp is down to almost normal now. I'm not sure if it was because of the needles or his teeth or a combination of both. He never had a reaction to the 2 month ones so I don't know.

[Flowerchild]

Big hugs from me Michelle I just lit a little candle for your daughter. I have been so caught up in my world that I have let slide these important times. I honour your strength, kindness and courage. I hope that you are okay my love..:hugs:

Lynn these unsettled nights are hard work - I must admit to not finding them so hard this time. I guess as I know Imogen is my last baby and watching her for so long in an isolette with literally my body aching to hold her, well it's made it easier for me... But having said that I truly know how tough it is. The best way I know of getting thru it is to talk to others (US!!!!!) and remind yourself that it WILL NOT last forever...
Lynn, that little boy is a lucky lil fella to have you mothering him. You are doing great and his sleeplessness will pass. Sending you love...

I am home alone as my DH is overseas for this week and next. Enjoying the time where I don't have to prepare big meals etc etc! Things have been rather strained at home and this has given me some breathing space! I am still struggling greatly with oldest DD and am looking forward to next Tuesday's appt with the paediatrician for her...

I will pop back later...

[Flowerchild]

I missed some posts. You go girl (Michelle!). I understand about the unhappiness... I feel like these past 3 years have been one heartache and stress after the other... My DH very much gets annoyed with the sadness I have felt. I have dealt with it by immersing myself in buddhist teachings and really trying to practise meditation and getting that feeling of inner calm... I got to the point where for me I just couldn't stay the same. It was too painful. Is it working??? Some days I'm a bloody legend and other days I am a dismal failure!
Having Imogen has helped me no end. I think the scary health ride I had made me smell the roses and they seem so much sweeter now. I sometimes cannot believe that I have my beautiful daughter after all of the tears.
I guess we all deal with this struggle differently, but it's not easy.
What makes you all so beautiful is your understanding of the pain - out of the pain compassion has been 'born'. That is truly beautiful.

You are right Michelle - knowing there are these special women in here , we know we will be supported and that there is this soft place to fall.

[Willow]

Well after dreading it all week - I missed my ****ing appointment with my psych! I was so annoyed at myself and embarrassed (this is the second time I've mixed the times up, he must think I'm a real nutcase now!) I got in the car and cried all the way home.

Then when I got back to MIL's to pick up the munchkins, no one was there. I admit to feeling a little panicked not knowing where they were and that something (although not likely) may have happened. The car was still there so I knew they couldn't have gone far. I rang DH in a fluster and he had the presence of mind to suggest they were probably visiting a neighbour so I went across the street and there they were! I felt a huge relief when I saw my babies!

Nutcase...

Deb - I have been meaning to ask how things are going with your DD. Can't be an easy thing. You are an amazing mother though, she couldn't have asked for any better!

God I feel sooooo drained after this afternoon. Going to have a cuppa and get dinner started while the boy is asleep...