Parenting After a Loss ~ January 2008

[Spring Angel]

Michelle: I almost fell off my seat when you said in 3 months DS will be one! You are right, where has the time gone? You are an amazing person and you have the strength to get through another pregnancy. I too am waiting for a genuine smile, it is like I'm smiling and frowning at the same time. I want to smile again that bubbles and bursts from within. I know I will be like that again one day, it is just going to take time. Once you get your magical BFP we will all be here walking beside you every step of the way. Time for some of this

Janie: I hope your little man is feeling better and that the big bad teeth pop through sooner rather than later.

Deb: How is your eldest DD going? No wonder everything seems a bit much at the moment. I have everything crossed that next Tuesday's appointment will give you some direction and a plan to help your DD be all that she can be. I also know what you mean about things being strained at home, DH and I are at this point also but are working on it. Some time apart may be just what you need to recharge.

Mako: How is Sage feeling? My GP did mention to me that bubs can often have a reaction to the 4 month needles irrespective of whether the didn't have a reaction to the 2 month needles. I know they give the same injections, but perhaps it is to do with the dose. Hope it all calms down at your place soon.

Willow: Damnit!! I'm sorry to hear you missed your appointment. I'm sure you aren't the first person to do so. Don't be too cranky with yourself, you have so much on your plate. Did you get a chance to reschedule?

Well I took DS to the Babes in Arms movie today and saw Definately Maybe. It was ok, not the greatest movie I've ever seen but just great to get out. Last night not so good here but if I get a good night every now and then like Tuesday night, I feel I can face a spell of not so great nights.

Well like Willow, off to cut the veges will the munchkin is sleeping.

Lv Spring

[bailey99]

Hello

Thanks so much for starting this thread - what a great idea.
For those who don't know my story, I'll give a brief version. my first daughter, Asha, was stillborn in November 2006. I was 33 weeks. I had gone to the hospital for a check up as I could not remember feeling much movement the day before. I was hooked up for monitoring and the midwife told me the baby's heartbeat was fine. She even said she felt her kicking away. I was about to be sent home with a kickchart when I told her I still didn't feel right about everything. The midwife went and got the ultrasound machine, put it on my belly and fiddled around with it. She then left to get a doctor. I think at this stage I knew, but it is still a huge shock when you hear those words "I'm sorry. There is no heartbeat" I wonder if that is what they are taught to say in medical school, because I hear it so often when I hear other's stories. My mum was waiting outside the room with my almost 3 year old son. I still remember the look on her face when she walked in and I told her calmly "There is heartbeat" The rest of the afternoon was a blur. I guess that is what shock does. I waited 3 whole hours before I could find it in me to ring my husband, who was overseas at the time and due back the next morning. The worst thing I have ever had to do and I hate the memory of him screaming and sobbing down the other end of the phone.
At midnight that night my little girl was born by ceasarean section. Unfortunetly, I chose at that time not to see her. I couldn't do it by myself. My aunt sat with her and chose a little outfit for her. I am so thankful that someone was strong enough. The next day my husband came straight to the hospital from the airport and he sat with her. Again, I chose not to see her. This is the biggest regret of my life, but I was so scared she would look like my son, and I honestly thought I would never be able to let her go. I chose to have a full autopsy done as I wanted to know what happened. We had a small service and had her cremated.
Six weeks later we found out that she had Hydrops, which is too much fluid, and Pulmonary Hypoplasia, which is very small lungs. Both are incompatable with life. There is no reason, it was random. My poor little girl never had a chance.
I found BB a month later when I Googling stillbirth. It was actually Lynns story that I read and the responses and support that she was getting that made me decide to post. I doubt I would have gotten through the last 15 months without these girls.
Five months later I fell pregnant with my second daughter, who arrived almost 7 weeks ago The pregnancy was so hard and again, I could not have gotten through it without my great friends here. Though now it feels like a dream. Wow, it is weird to tell this story again. It is a story I have told so many times, but not for a long time. It feels so familiar but so long ago.
Anyway...I am so glad this thread is here, and I look forward to getting to know those of you who I don't know already

[Lynn]

Spring - thank you, thank you, thank you I don't know what I would do without my crazy phone calls to you! Got your message tonight (forgot to check messages when I got home this afternoon ) will buzz you tomorrow but I would love to borrow the swing and see if that works. Hope you get a good night tonight. I'm glad you enjoyed your movie. Once Ethan is a bit older (and not crying) I will come with you.

Willow - I know what you mean about having pg people around you and them feeling completely different to our how you feel - it is so hard. It is like why do they get to enjoy the pg and why do they get an easy pg. Unfortunately we have lost the innocence of pg. My sister was showing me pics of her when she was pg - she was happy and bubbly and it was so hard to look at because I struggled so much through mine. I'm sorry you missed your app, hopefully you have rescheduled. I still see a counsellor, while it is hard and exhausting as I feel like I cry the whole time, I get so much off my chest about how I am feeling and always feel 'better' after. If you do decide that you go down the TTC journey again, you know that we will all be here to support you I wonder too if I will ever be as happy as I was 'before'. I don't think I am the same person, a part of me died when Cooper did so I'm not sure I will ever be that 'happy' person again.

Michelle - Good on you for going down the TTC path again. I know you can do it, you are such a strong and inspirational woman. You got through Oscar's pg so you can get through anything now We definitely have to catch up - it has been too long and I would love for you to meet my little man and for my little man to meet your big man! I'll speak with Spring and organise something.

Janie - I think it is only natural to feel like that and want to scream at every mother 'do you know how lucky you are'. I think that is what makes us all so special, we appreciate our bubs so much and they are going to be so so loved.

Mako - I'm sorry you had a bad night. Our bubs must have all got together and said let's make it hard for our mummies! I hope you have a better night tonight.

Deb - thank you! You are right, the best thing is to 'talk' about it and know that it is normal and that I am doing nothing wrong. I feel like he is upset because I don't know what I am doing I don't mind so much when he is awake, it is just the crying. It tears at my heart to hear him crying like he is in so much pain. I love holding my little man. We spent all afternoon just lying on the lounge together. I have everything crossed that it all goes well with your DD next week.

Bun - I think after losing a bub it is only natural that we become different parents. Congrats on your little girl, she is gorgeous!

Well I took Ethan to the clinic nurse today and spoke about the things that are going on and basically she told me that it is all normal but thinks that he may have reflux given all the symptoms. I have made an app with the paed so hopefully he will be able to help but in the meantime he has suggested giving him mylanta. He is so happy to sleep on his tummy but I will only do this when he is lying on me so I can make sure he is breathing. I am not game to do it in the cot so hopefully he sleeps tonight on his back. We have raised his cot at one end so hopefully this helps. We got a bit of sleep last night but he just wouldn't go down after his 4am feed. My mum came over to help today so that was great! Ethan got weighed today and is weighing 4.5kg! No wonder my arms is starting to get sore when I carry him around!

Here's hoping to a good night for everyone!

[Flowerchild]

Thankyou Bailey for having the courage to tell your story again. I never knew you had not seen Asha. I truly understand that. Even though my babies were much smaller (16 weeks) I remember being terrified of seeing. Terrified that I would be afraid of my own child. Terrified that that image would be indelible on my psyche - I woulod never be abloe to let it go. Now, I just wonder - and I am not sure for me that the wondering is any easier than the reality. I remember reading about Walter Mikovic (Tasmanian Port Arthur Massacre). His FIL went to the site and saw the bodies of his daughter and grandaughters - he had been to a "talk" a week earlier that he recalled the expert saying it is better to see the reality than to paint the picture of wonder over and over again. I am not so sure and I guess it is a very personal thing. My dear girlfirend had a Goodbye Baby at 28 weeks. She too chose not to see Gabrielle - it was too painful. She has photos that some 9 years later she hasn't yet been able to look at...
Big hugs beautiful Bailey and thankyou for being a part of this forum...

[Lynn]

Bailey we posted at the same time - yay I'm so happy you have joined us here. How is your little one going? I can't wait to meet her, I missed you at the last S&K meeting and at M's place. We must catch up soon. How is everything going? It is so hard telling our stories again. I never knew that you found BB by reading my story. I'm glad that you did and we were able to meet, although I wished we had met another way

[Lynn]

I've got my baby back!!!! We have had the best night and day! He has feed and slept well and we even got time between feeds and sleeps to play together! Normally he is just screaming but we sat on the lounge and had a great chat to each other (ok he didn't say much ). It was just beautiful and made me so happy. As we sat on the lounge he was looking up at Cooper's flowers that we have framed on the wall and so I told him all about his beautiful big brother, which of course made me cry and even as I write this it makes me cry. I just wish that Coopie was here to see his little brother but I know that he is not far watching over and protecting Ethan. I hope I haven't celebrated too early - I know there will be ups and downs along this journey and I'm sure there will be plenty more sleepless nights - these I can handle it is just the painful screaming that I don't like because I feel like I can't help him, but now he just seems so peaceful after a feed............the way it should be

[bailey99]

Hi again everyone,

Lynn - She is good. She is really such a good baby. She has a couple of unsettled hours from about 6pm but after that she is good. She doesn't like her pram though, lol, she just wants to be cuddled - Oh well, I am pretty happy to indulge. She is just beautiful, I am so in love with her. I am so happy for you that you had a good day with Ethan, it makes you forget how hard they are huh? Yep, I think that your story was the first one I read. I sat and cried and cried and cried. I cried for you, me and everyone else, and I cried for all of our babies. It feels like so long ago doesn't it? Can you believe what we have done in the last 18 months?

Flowerchild - It is so good to have you back You are so right, I think I was scared of the unknown. I was scared of the image of my dead baby being burned in my mind. I was scared that she would look just like my son - whch she did, because I thought I would not be able to look at him without seeing Asha. Sometimes when he is sleeping, I can just burst into tears because they are so alike. How I wish I saw her and held her and just spent time with her. The hospital took some pictures and hand and footprints which I just treasure, but I wish I had pics of her with me. Well, I try not to beat myself up about what I should have done. If we all did that with everyone of our regrets, we would not be able to function right? Thanks for your words. how is your little Immy doing? Any new pics for us yet??

[Spring Angel]

Wow what a day

After organising the dog that came to our house I get a panicked call from DH. He is on the side of the highway on the way home from work and can't drive any further. It was hard to get any sense out of him, he said he was sick and had been asleep for the last half hour. I freaked and was going to call the Ambulance, but called his boss instead and they sent a Police car out to get him and bring him home. he got home and I checked his temp and it was 39.8 degrees!!! I called the doctor who told me what to do and within 20 mins it had gone up to 40.2 degrees. Dh was not being himself and getting really agitated his lips were starting to go a funny colour so I totally freaked. I got him in the car and to the Docs which thankfully is at the end of the street and just said 'I need to see a Doctor now"

They are not sure what it is but after a dose of Asprin and 30 mins his temp started to come down and he said that he started to feel a little more together. He is achy all over and said he feels like he has been bashed up. We have to go back in the morning for another check up.

He scared the living heck out of me. Now I just have to keep him and Oliver in a separate room at all times until his symptoms subside. I'm sleeping in the spair room tonight because we will be screwed if I get it also.

I just want to say a huge thanks to Lynn's parents. I couldn't figure how the heck to get DH's car home and they very kindly drove out there and got it for me. I am so very grateful, it was such a wonderful thing to do.

Anyway, Dh is in bed so time to check his temp again. I've already checked Oliver's temp about 10 times just to be sure so I think we have another restless night on our hands.

Lv Spring

[Janie]

Oh Spring, big big hugs hun! What a scare for you all. I hope tonight is better than you anticipate. Bet you're good with that thermometer by now Hope Mr Spring is okay, and that you and Ollie stay healthy and well.

[Spring Angel]

Well last night was actually ok. DH's temp has been stable but he is really uncomfortable and says he feels like he has been bashed up. Back to the Dr this afternoon and perhaps some Blood tests but I hope he is over the worst of it. It was funny last night DH was in the master bedroom, Oliver was in the nursery and I was in the spare room.

Bailey: Sorry for not responding to your post last night. I know that you regret not holding Asha, but I was thinking about it, you did hold her, you held her in the way only a mother could for 37 weeks inside of you. I know you couldn't get a photo of that, but she was so comforted in your womb that she knew you loved her. Please don't be too hard on yourself :hugs:

Lv Spring

[Michelle71]

Bailey - I don't have any photos of Caitlyn being held by me either. There are lots of photos we took and some with our hands holding her hand or foot but I never held her - I held the basket she was placed in She was sooooo tiny and so fragile (in my eyes) that I didn't want her to break or fall apart in my hands. I think she is beautiful but my professional (work) eyes can also see that she would be a disturbing image for many and many would not deal with those images. Particularly the day after her birth. I used photoshop to adjust some images to take away the potentially distressing parts to create photos that most of our family have in a frame. As Spring said - you held Asha closer than anyone and nothing can ever replace that. As for her looking the same - I cried when I saw Oscar because it was my tiny baby in a bigger size. Same little face sleeping, just bigger, pinker and breathing.

[BekZ]

Wow so glad I found this thread. Thanks Willow for starting it!! So many of my PAML buddies are here. I must admit I have felt a little lost after havibg Loren and not being apart of the PAML thread anymore.

I am going to go back and read all the posts when I have time.

This month is hard for me because in 2007 I was due to give birth to twins which I lost at 10wks I then fell pregnant in December 2006 and lost another bub in that Feb. Still I am so lucky because I have Sara now 2 and Loren 12wks...how blessed am I to have 3 angel babies looking over my 2 earth babies....sh#t just made myself cry...

[Willow]

Hey Bek!! So glad you found us here. Anniversaries are always hard . How is Loren going? Has she settled down a bit?

Spring - how scarey for you hun! How is your DH now? When I was about 17 my grandfather, who lived with us at the time, passed away at home. I was the only one home with him, my mum arrived shortly after and we both tried to revive him but it was too late. It was a very traumatic experience as you can imagine and since that time I become very anxious when DH or DD (and now DS too I'd imagine!) are ill and I'm here with them. I remember a few years ago DH was very sick with a kidney infection and passed out in the hall way. I couldn't get him up and he turned an awful grey colour. I had to stop myself from calling the ambulance because he wouldn't let me, but I called his mum to come straight over because i was so scared something would happen and I wouldn't know what to do again.

Mako - how is Sage going? Hope he's all better!

We are having a very busy weekend here so I'll BBL.

[mako]

Oh Spring I bet that was scary for you. I hope your dh is on the mend now.

Bekz Its great to see you here. How's Loren doing??

Willow Sage is still unsettled. His teeth really are causing him a lot of discomfort. He could be sleeping soundly and all of a sudden he will let out this almighty scream. Poor little guy. I just wish the tooth would pop through and be done with it. To make matters worse, I have mastitis again. This is the 3rd time since December. I just hope it goes away soon.
How are you going?

Hi to you all. Hope your enjoying your weekend.

[Willow]

Mako - sorry to hear the little guy is suffering with his teeth It's really not much fun for a lot of them. With DD, we had 6 weeks of her being really unsettled and sleeping really badly overnight, then once the bottom two teeth popped through, she was fine. the others didn't give her much grief. I hope Sage is the same! We are starting to suspect L might be teething very soon but can't see anything yet.

Hope the mastitis clears up, can't believe you've got it again you poor thing! You taking anti'bs?

I gotta run, the little man is taking forever to settle tonight....

[BekZ]

Willow/Mako - Thanks for asking after Loren. Loren is starting to settle and I think the reflux thing is on the mend. I am still struggling with bfing but I am persisting with a bit of help from the good old formula.

I am having a lot of power struggles with Sara (DD1) atm. She is just so naughty and defiant. I guess this means I have to spend more time with her...

Mako - Sorry to hear Sage has be having teething problems. BTW my best friends little girl's name is Saige!!!

Wow I have read a few stories in here now and everyone is just so inspiring!!!

[mako]

Bek Thats the way we would have spelt Sage if he was a girl. I love that spelling I'm sorry that Sara is giving you a hard time atm. Maybe she just wants some more mummy time. It sure is hard trying to organise a newborn and keep everyone else happy too. I'm pleased the feeding probs are beginning to sort themselves out for you.

Willow We have been able to see Sage's teeth low down in his gums since he was born but the bottom ones are certainly at the surface now. Its just a matter of time for them to pop through.
I hope L is settled now. Sage has also been a little difficult tonight so far.He's only been in bed for 2 hours and he's starting ti stir now I think I may be in for a tough night. Oh the joys lol.

[~Jayne~]

Hello Ladies!!!
I remember some of you so well, I hope you remember me too! I was with lots of you in TTCAML & I have missed you all!
I have had a brief read through all the posts & it sounds like you are all doing so very well with your new bubbas!
OMG MICHELLE!!!!!!!!!! I've just had to pick myself up after reading your are TTC again! WOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO! Good on you lovey!
I look forward to talking to you all!
Love Jayne