Parenting After a Loss ~ January 2008

[Lynn]

Spring - don't worry about it. I was happy for the day to just pass by.

Willow - When we got married we had planned to have kids at 26 and 28, boy first and then a girl - how stupid and ridiculous that all sounds now............like life would ever be that easy. I guess that is why turning 30 has been so difficult for me because it has taken so long to bring just one baby home. You are right, I can empathise with you too about turning 30. Once your head is in the right place, you will know and will be able to make a decision then about having another bub. I started counselling straight after we lost Cooper but I didn't really feel comfortable with the counsellor so I stopped. I then joined a support group through SIDS which I loved and started having one-on-one consellor with the group counsellor towards the end of last year. It was like a big weight lifting off my shoulders. I haven't spoken with her one-on-one since having Ethan so I think I need to do that so I can lift more weights off my shoulders.

I'm happy to do a week day catch up............just let me know.

[Willow]

I didn't really feel comfortable with the counsellor so I stopped

That's exactly what happened with me too. I didn't know back then about organisations like SIDS that specialise in m/c and loss counselling, I wish I had've.

I ended up going back to the same place because basically I needed help asap, but I saw a different psychologist and it has made the world of difference. And because I was having panic attacks, I felt like I needed a psych rather than just a counsellor to help me get on top of that.

[Lynn]

I am so happy for you that it is working out. I guess the first step (probably the biggest) is admitting that you need help. I was reluctant to go to SIDS because I thought they just were about SIDS but they are there for all types of losses. It must have been scary having panic attacks and I'm glad that you are feeling on top of it.

[mako]

Oh Girls I so understand where you are coming from about having a certain number of babies by the time you're 30. I also wanted to have my family complete by my 30th too, but that is just not going to happen as my 30th is next month ARGH!!!!! How scary I always wanted 4 kids but DH only wants 2 so I have agreed on that at this present moment but only time will tell what the future holds. Maybe the next pregnancy would be twins

Anyway about this meet up. I prefer either a Monday or a Tuesday as I work Wed, Thurs and Fridays. Oh and I can get to wherever suits you all too

Lynn I have been thinking about you and wondering how you've been. Happy Birthday too and also happy 2 month birthday Ethan.
The BF thing is a toughy hey? It has taken us about 3.5 to 4 months to get it sorted out too. You are doing a fantasic job hun.

Spring Ollie looks so cute in your ticker photo. Love the "want to lick the bowl" comment too

[Baby~amore`]

Hello - just popping in to say Hi - and wow we asked for this forum for so long and now it is here .
I just spent an hour catching up on a few things.

Sam & Joel are now 20 months old and ~Charlotte~ would be 3.5yrs. I still check them all the time to see if they are breathing.

I wanted to tell you too Teddy Love Club is now or in the process of being set up in almost all NSW hospitals about 92 of them.Lynn , Toni was asking after you recently.

I am very busy with my bundles of chaos but still passionate about TLC.

I don't get into any forums much these days. I will keep popping in now and again to see how everyone is. I see a few names I recognise well.

[Michelle71]

Trish - so good to see you It would be great if you wanted to join us but I know the boys will be keeping you busy.

Willow I know you are not nuts. And no - you don't scare me off. It is refreshing to have someone openly discuss some of the issues related to loss that you don't realise impact so much on your life until you reach *that* point.

Spring - I have no idea how the human body can continue to function on minimal sleep. I used to be a power napper (still my saving grace) and work some crazy hours but I haven't slept more than 4 hours in a row now for over 9 months. OMG - that makes it sound even worse!!! Oscar is staying with his god-mummy and DH (although DH is on call) while I fly to Melbourne. I don't do it much these days.

Lynn - happy birthday!! Yep - the plans of mice and men ....... I had soooooo many plans and I think every time I make some plans God laughs at me. You are doing great. I took 4 months to sort out the breastfeeding so it can take some time (not what you want to hear but it can give you hope that it will get better) The pressure I put on myself to be perfect, to cope, to deal with it all and still be mourning the loss of my baby (just in a totally new way) nearly did my head in for a while. It is such an adjustment and the overwhelming sadness some days takes you by surprise. You should be happy - here you are with a happy, healthy baby. And yet, you are completely heart broken that your first born is not with you and you never got to experience the joy that you have with this baby. It sucks and it makes the early days so much more difficult (as if you needed it with the feeding issues, sleeping - or lack of and the getting used to the 24/7 mothering regime)

Jayne - trust you to notice our moods

Hello to everyone else.

My bed is calling but before I go, I got a message from Deb a little while ago. She is sorting through a few things at home and will be back when she can. She is just spreading herself a little thin at the moment and her family need a little focus after the year they all had last year. I will send her a message to let her know you are all thinking of her.

[Janie]

Hello lovelies, thinking of you all Things are rotten here ATM, I'm sick, DH is sick but at work, and I've got my fingers crossed that DS doesn't get it. I know I keep promising, but I really will try to pop in here properly today.

Lynn, you're doing great hun.

Willow, I will get back to you, not ignoring your message!

BBL..........

[Spring Angel]

Lynn: It is unforgivable that I missed you Birthday, I am so sorry, let me make it up to you. hun, I'll call you later next week and perhaps we can go out for a low key coffee and cake.

Willow: You don't scare me off at all, in fact you seem normal compared to me I'm good to do days for the catch up. DH is working the entire Easter break so if anyone is free then I'll be in also.

Mako: I promise not to forget your birthday next month. Can you give us a hint of when exactly it is?

Michelle: I envy your ability to power nap. I just can't do it and end up getting really frustrated with myself. Thanks for the update on Deb, send her my love and I hope life settles a bit for her soon.

Trish: Great to hear from you. I can't believe your boys are 20 months!

Janie: Sending you *get better vibes* for your entire household. Hopefully DS manages to avoid the lurgy also.

Well we are off to Singleton tomorrow for my DH's step Brothers March Out from the Army Infantry College. DH has been in the Army for over 10 years so he is really looking forward to it and I'm looking forward to a nice drive.

Still have a clingy baby here who had a rough night but I can see those darn teeth coming so hopefully they make their grand entrance soon.

Lv SPring

[Janie]

I should be doing so many things apart from posting on here LOL!

Spring, I hope those teeth come through SOON, it's so crap waiting for them. You feel sorry for bubba because it must hurt them, and you feel sorry for yourself Hope you all have a nice time tomorrow.

Michelle, do you ever sleep woman? Hope Oscar is happier today, it's so hard on so many levels when they're upset.

Bugger, have to run......BBL

[Janie]

OMG, I want to cry. He's just woken up after 15 mins in his cot, and will not go back to sleep. At least he seems happy enough ATM, but it won't last, he'll get tired and grumpy quickly. Then we'll go back for round two

Willow, you seem completely normal to me! In fact, I agree with Michelle, it's great to have someone be so completely honest about how they're coping. It's funny, I am probably the most relaxed as a mother as I have ever been in my life, but I have certainly had my times of stress and panic attacks. I found counselling very helpful through those times.

Trish, great to see you hun

Mako, grrrr at your SIL. Don't call them! Hope Sage's tooth comes through soon.

Where is my Jayne today? Need a bit of your cheerful spirit here I think. I'm so sorry about Claudy's head, poor poppet. Hope she's doing okay.

I have to say, I'm feeling a bit mean about DH. I've given him a bit of a hard time, and haven't been very sympathetic, but his eye really does look awful. It still hasn't spread to the other eye, I can't figure it out. Oh well, it's better that way I suppose.

I'm going to a breastfeeding seminar tomorrow, really looking forward to it. Hope I'm feeling better! It's going to be 40 degrees here too, not a fun day to be out and about. At least DS will be at mum's in the central a/c.

Better go now, my head feels like it's going to explode!

WOHB: Haute pocket

[~Jayne~]

JANIE _ HELLO! I'm glad you missed me! It's so nice to be loved. Have just been so tired this past week for some reason. I know how you mean with no sympathy for DH. I'm like that as well. He is VERY sick with the flu in China atm, but what can I do about it? Mind you, when I was ill with gastro, I sent him a text saying 'need help can't stop spewing' & I fully expected him to be on th doorstep in 5 minutes. Yes, I like it to be all about me. LOL. Oh wow, let us know how your seminar goes. I can't wait to hear about it! I haven't been in the real 'working' world for over 3 years, this November will be 4 years. I'm missing it! However, with Alan in China, MIL working fulltime & my mum being no help at all, working is a long way off - until the kids are in school. I plan on studying midwifery though. I'm not sure why & I think he may be asking me to come back parttime, but my old boss has e-mailed me asking me for lunch tomorrow at a very classy pub in East Fremantle. It's nice to know he is still thinkign about me, we had a very good working relationship & he was so good to me over the years that I was there, so it's going to be great to have a lunch with him again. I'm quite excited as my Mum - heaven forbid, is having the kids. I can't wait to eat a restaurant meal that hasn't been slobbered on by the kids or hasn't been wiped onto my clothes. LOL!
I hope you get your boy down to sleep again, will he go back down if you lay down with him?

TRISH _ I was so glad to see you post. I often wonder how you are. Do you ever hear from Chris' DH? How is he coping? Hooley dooley on your boys being nearly 2!!!

MICHELLE _ How are you superwoman? I'm glad to hear that you are loving being back at work, even though it's completely tiring & Oscar is the grudge-bearing type! LOL. I hope you can catch some sleep!

SPRING _ I hope those teeth are finally coming through. When Claudia is teething I put Cedagel onto a kids toothbrush & she licks it like a lollypop. It's very effective for us! Who knows, might work for you guys too? Sounds nice about the drive & that you have children who behave in your car!

ME _ Super duper proud of Miss Jess. She was promoted from swimming lessons yesterday. She is now in the REALLY BIG GIRLS CLASS where I don't have to get into the water with her! YAHOO! Her teacher has been telling me for ages, but I didn't think she was listening enough to be in the water on her own with the teacher & 4 other kids, but the teacher says she is. So we are having our first lesson next week with me sitting pretty on the sidelines with a hot chocolate! Can't wait! Also, Claudia kicked her legs ONCE today in swimming. So that is very big deal for her as well. She is a super lazy brown cow & soooooooo damn nosey watching what everbody else is doing that she hasn't learned barely anything! She can fall in off the edge, but as for pulling arms & kicking legs - forget it! Have been Easter shopping & 'think' I have got it all finished. Just have to get the kids a little toy for their treasure hunt which was hard to do with both of them today, so will do that on my way home from lunch tomorrow.

Claudia's face is looking fab, thanks for those who asked. Her 'glue' just looks like dried snot or a coldsore & it hasn't bruised, which I was very suprised about. & it hasn't slowed her down in the slightest I'm eager to see what it looks like when the glue falls off though, will have to massage & put vitamin e on it the nurses said to help with the scarring.

TTFN!

Love Jayne xoxoxo

[Willow]

Janie you musn't be well hun, you put a WOHB at the end of your post!!! Wrong thread darl....

What is the seminar you're going to tomorrow? Is it the Work of Heart seminar?? If so, would love to hear all about it.

Trish - great to have you pop in, I've also wondered how you and the boys are going. Fantastic news about the TLC.

[Lynn]

Spring - have a safe trip to Singleton. Speak next week about catching up.

Trish - it is so good to *see* you. I haven't spoken to Toni for a while - I should, I have been slack. Hope everything is going well with you. That is great news about TLC.

Janie - enjoy your breastfeeding seminar.

Michelle - thanks for the update on Deb. Please pass on my love and good wishes to her. What you said is so true. I am finding myself that I am soooo over protective of him. Both sets of grandparents are asking when they get to mind him - I have said never! I never want to be apart from him. I know that they know how to look after a baby but I just can't separate myself from him and I'm not sure I ever will.

Well we are going ok with the feeding. We haven't used the shield for 2 days!! Woohoo!!! And only a couple of feeds needing topping up. It is so much more enjoyable without the shields! I should never have started using them........actually then I wouldn't have any nipples so best that I did!!! The little man has been a bit unsettled today but he did a massive sleep last night. I feed him at 2.30am and he didn't wake up until 9.30am! I know I should be complaining but I still didn't get much sleep because I kept waking up and checking on him to see if he was ok.

Thanks everyone for your birthday wishes and encouragement on the b/f.......we are getting there!

Hi to everyone else - gotta run and have dinner before the little man wakes up and wants his!

[~Jayne~]

LYNN _ WTG on the little man doing such a big stretch of sleep! That is just brilliant! & even better news about no nipple-shield for 2 days & limited top ups required! You're well on your way honey! You & your man keep it up!

Love Jayne

[Lynn]

Ok not sure what is going on but I am pretty much topping up every feed now and he is refusing my left boob. I keep starting with the left one but he just won't take it so I offer the right and he takes it. I go back to the left but he won't latch on. There is milk there because most of the time I am having a let-down and there is milk going everywhere but he just won't latch on...............what's going on??????????????????

[Willow]

Lynn - Firstly, why are you topping him up after every feed? Do you mean with formula or breast or EBM? If you do this with formula, eventually it might affect your supply and you could be in all sorts of trouble. Have you had a supply issue??

Secondly - try a different position on your left side. It's not necessarily your boob that's the problem, it might be Ethan. He could have a sore neck, ear, etc and is finding it uncomfortable to lie on that side at the moment. Try the football hold or even try to feed him lying down?

Also, try starting on the right for a few feeds, once he's on and has had a decent feed from that side, he might be settled enough to take the left side.

I know how hard it is, but try to stay calm and relaxed when you start feeding him. I know how stressful it is when you anticipate that he's going to fuss or refuse your breast but this will make him tense too and will affect your let down. Even try sitting with your eyes closed and taking deep, calm breaths if you have to.

[Lynn]

Willow - yeah I have a supply issue (I think ) I was using a nipple shield up until last week. I have been trying for a few weeks to get off it but he just wouldn't latch on, then one day he did and we haven't turned back. But he would always come off the boob screaming and would cry after a feed (with or without the shield). I thought he may have reflux or something so went to the paed. He said to try expressing and top him up. Well I could only do this for a few days because I couldn't express enough so I topped him up with formula. He has been so much happier and content since I started topping him up. Some feeds he doesn't want topping up and others he does. I tried feeding 2 hourly but that doesn't seem to make a difference. Some feeds he just refuses both boobs all together and then the next feed he will feed beautifully and no top up. But the last 2 feeds he has only refused the left boob. I will try a different position next feed and start with the right and see how that goes.

Thanks for your help :hugs:

[Willow]

Hmmmm...OK. Maybe he's just not hungry and that's why he's refusing? It's so hard to know! How often is he feeding? It's possible that he's getting a lot more than you think.

I remember when DD was about 4 weeks old, we had a really bad week of breast refusal. I took her to see a LC and we worked out that I was just trying to get her to feed more than she needed to. So she'd come off and I'd think 'she hasn't had enough' and try to put her back on - she'd get upset and scream, then I'd get upset and round and round we went. As soon as I started following her lead, things improved out of sight. It turned out that she was just a really fast, efficient feeder, took what she wanted and was done. All the babies I'd ever seen feed would feed for 20 mins or so, she was done in 10, and even less as she got older and to me, that just didn't seem right.

Have you seen a LC? I would strongly suggest it if you are having problems because I know how easy it is for your confidence to get knocked around in the early days. Or even go to your local ABA meeting or call the helpline and speak to a counsellor? They would be a fantastic help!

I'm no expert, but soooo many women think they have supply issues but a lot of the time their supply is just fine. Have you tried to increase it at all? There's lots of ways to do this (you can find a sticky in the breastfeeding support forum), that might also help?