Parenting after Miscarriage or Loss ~ April 2008

[mako]

Michelle Huge chickie. It sure is a tough decision to make hey? I wish none of us had to face any of the challenges that we've faced in the past and unfortunately may have to face in the future.
What ever way you decide to go just know that we are all here for you. And Yes you've done an amazing job in feeding Oscar with all the hurdles you've had to face It is also hard when it seems everyone else has the easy road. I've had to try and stop thinking like that though cause it was really getting me down.I do have my moments though(I just try not to let others see )
I'll have everything crossed that you get your soon.

Janie Well done on doing your presentation. I'm glad that you have had some success with ds's sleeping.

Willow I hope you are feeling better soon. So many nasty bugs going around atm. Rest up hun.

Spring How did your dh enjoy his ride? Hope he made it home before the storm.
Don't you just love it when our little men are well behaved for their daddy's. Makes daddy feel pretty special too I think

Lynn How was your mexican dinner last night? I lurv mexican. Haven't been for ages though... mmmm must put that on a to do list lol.

Well we went out for a while today. Did some shopping,had some lunch and we found a highchair for Sage. We've been looking for a while and couldn't decide between 2. Anyway I found 1 for a reasonable price so I laybyed it. When I came home there was a brochure in the letter box with the other we'd been looking at on sale for 1/2 price. Now I don't know wether to try and get that one and cancel the other or just stick with the one we found today. Oh decisions decisions

[Flowerchild]

Hello gorgeous women! I am finally back on line. I am sure that the beautiful Michelle has told you all that Imogen had RSV and got quickly very ill. She went into respiratory arrest and need I say it was very very frightening. This situation is frightening at the best of times but being on the other side of the bed so to speak and the child being my own beloved little one was a challenge. I had to leave the room - I felt it too hard to watch. I phoned my DH who had made the 40 min drive home with the other children thinking that all was well. Of course he was frantic on the drive back down the mountain. I then summoned up any skerick of courage and went back in and just told her I loved her and that I didn't want her to go. I muscled in and put my hand on her so she could feel me. I was too scared to cry. The staff were incredible. Evebtually she opened her beautiful eyes and she looked so terrified. I think the tears of the past year all came out at once when DH arrived... A week in hospy and she is fine. Bright as a button and even gained weight in the almost week of tube feeding and expressing! I thought I was done with pumping those boobies - but alas!

I will catch up with you all slowly over the next few days. I am so glad to be back. Love to you alll. Big big hugs!

[Willow]

Ooooh Deb!!! It is sooooooo good to see you post again!! We've all been worried about you and Immy and praying that all was OK. Michelle was keeping us updated but it's good to see you back and to hear you are home safe and well.

To say you've been through a lot is a huge understatement - I hope it will be smooth sailing from here on in

Everyone is going to be so excited to see you back!!

[Janie]

Deb, how wonderful to see you back It sounds like you've all been through hell, but I'm so glad to hear that you're all safe and sound again Bet you had fun pumping those boobies but I'm sure Mama's milk does the world of good for Imogen.

[Lynn]

Oh Deb it is great to *see* you back How many more challenges to you need! You and Immy are both so strong to have got through everything that you have. I hope that is the end of the hurdles for you. Best wishes to you and all the family.

[mako]

Welcome back Deb. I hope its all a very smooth road now for you and Immy and the rest of your family.
Happy 6 month birthday to Immy too.

I've had a pretty c**p day today. I know I am very greatful to have Sage here for my birthday but I'm ever so sad as I always wanted to have my family complete by the time my 30th came around. Obviously thats not the case and I'm feeling so sad Nobody seems to understand either. I mentioned this to DH and he said well we don't have to have another baby if you don't want to. This wasn't what I meant All I meant was that I always wanted my babies here and happily living our lives and looking forward to the future. Now all I keep thinking about is the ttc journey that may take a long time again for bub#2 or #4 however I wish to look at it.
Sorry for the vent girls. Just feeling awful atm.

[Willow]

Awww Mako...you poor thing. When exactly was/is your bday? I was thinking about that yesterday, I forgot to ask you on Friday.

I guess occasions like this always make us think of what should have been....it's hard. I don't really know anything to say that's going to make you feel better, only that we all understand. I don't think people really get that these "early" losses are something that are always going to be with us, we are always going to be thinking of our babies and reminded that they aren't here with us. I think people assume that having a new baby fills that void, and while it is the most wonderful thing to welcome these new babies into our lives, it doesn't replace the ones we lost. I think people really do struggle to understand that. It's like "oh well, you've had a baby now so you're all better right?" - WRONG!

I'll be honest and say that it's probably a little easier for me now that I'm half convinced that my family is complete. If things had been different, I wouldn't feel that way I'm sure. But having two beautiful children in my life makes it so much easier for me to be a huge coward and say 'you know what, I don't know if I've got it in me to go through that again'...I'm still not 100% convinced that I'm ready to walk away though, because if I do, I feel like it won't be on my terms. The first test will be when one of you falls prg again!! LOL!

For what it's worth....

[Lynn]

Happy Birthday Mako!

I was the same as you. I had planned to have my family (2 live children) by the time I was 28 so to be 30 and only have 1 live baby was very difficult. I didn't want to celebrate the day either. My DH says the same, it doesn't matter what age you are. But when you have a plan and it doesn't come true - it is hard to deal with. It makes you wonder what life would have been like. You don't need to say that you are grateful for Sage because we know that you are, it is just that you want your other babies too and that is ok. Nothing can replace a baby, regardless of when you lose them. You still lose all the hopes and dreams. Willow is right that people just assume that because you have had Sage that you are 'ok' or 'better' and that he has made everything right. It has helped you to live again but he can never replace the babies you lost. A friend once said to me that losing a baby is like losing a limb and this is so true. The way I like to look at it is, the day we lost Cooper it was like losing a limb, this limb can never be replaced but Ethan has showed us how to live without that limb. I think that this is the case for all of us. Big big hugs to you babe

[mako]

Thanks Willow and Lynn. You have just put all my feelings out on the "table"iykwim. Its so true that everyone thinks that once you have a baby here with you that everything is now OK. And as you girls know, its not the case cause the baby doesn't replace the little ones that aren't here on earth with us.
Willow my b'day was yesterday.

Michelle How are you doing hun?

I hope you are all ok.

[Lynn]

Happy Birthday for yesterday Mako

[Flowerchild]

Big hugs I understand that feeling of having an idea in my head of how my family would look - it's really tough when the picture we paint doesn't come to fruition in the way we hoped. I loved your analogy Lynn of the missing limb. That is so beautiful and so apt. All if my children are special but Immy is just that little person who has shown me so much. I am a different woman for birthing her. Just today I looked at her and wondered what my other babies would be like. It is a hurt that never leaves us. But, what a richer life I live because of them...

Michelle, I remember weaning Eva when I lost my first Angel. I felt that I needed to give my body every chance of conceiving. It was a tough decision to make as none of my other babies were weaned. So, I feel for you my love and understand where you are. Do what you need to for you. Another baby is a gift you are giving your family too. Whatever you decide I think you are amazing. I look forward to sharing the next exciting chapter of your life!

My very beautiful old friend just phoned. Her ex DH is getting married to the woman he was having an affair with... Far out. He didn't even tell her but rather told the kids and they came back from the weekend with the news. Man...

Im had her appointment yesterday with the paed. She is meeting all her milestones - I can't begin to tell you all how beautiful she is! I will put some photos up soon. Finding the time is the toughy!
My DH is in Spain this week so it's a busy house. The dreaded MIL is arriving in a fortnight. She is a challenge for me so I need to be strong!

Will pop back soon...

[Spring Angel]

Deb: Welcome back, OMG OMG OMG, I am so happy to see you posting. Michelle did tell us about you and Immy and I was worried sick, I am so over the moon that your little girl is doing so well. What a scary time for Mumma and the entire family. Whoo Hoo Deb's back

Mako: Hugs honey. I'm so sorry that you felt sad and down on your birthday. It is horrible how this occasions that are meant to be happy feel tainted. Needless to say I'm still going to say Happy Birthday I really hope you got spoilt because you deserve it. I was just giving Oliver a bath and he was playing with his toys and for some reason I thought about Harry being in the bath with him and them playing together. I just got so sad, Oliver has a brother and it is so sad to me that Harry isn't here with us. I guess anything from a Birthday to a bath can hit you in the guts. I hope that you are starting to feel better.

Willow: Are you on the mend? I hope you are feeling better.

Well I am at a loss. Oliver's sleeping is going from bad, to worse, to darn horrid. Like last night he was asleep by 7.00pm went through to 10.00pm, did not settle until 12.30am when I bought him into bed with us and squirmed all night long. I don't know what to do. I'm reading the no cry sleep solution but I am too tired to start it IYKWIM. I have decided when we are at the paed tomorrow (just a scheduled check) I am going to ask if he can recommend a Non control crying sleep school. He is all for gentle parenting so I trust his judgement. Something needs to give soon, I can't believe I have been tired for so long and still functioning (well sort of functioning)

Big love
Sleepy Spring.

[Willow]

Michelle, I remember weaning Eva when I lost my first Angel.

Deb - I did the same thing. DD was 16 months old and I'd been feeding her through my pregnancy but after our loss I was quite ill and re-admitted to hospital. I was just so heartbroken and so sick (and if I'm honest, I thought that maybe feeding while pregnant contributed to the m/c) that I decided to wean her. I still regret it, had I known what was to come and that it would take me another 12 months to conceive I would have kept going. But hindsight is 20/20 and we do the best we can with what we have at the time. Your poor friend! That is awful...I don't think I'd make a very nice XW to be honest!! LOL.

Spring - oh man am I hearing you on the sleep!! Have been quite down about it again today for the first time in ages. Things aren't quite at the level you guys have reached, but we've definitely taken a dive. His day sleeps have shortened, he's not self settling as well as he used to and although his nights aren't too bad, he's still nowhere near looking like he'll sleep through any time soon. This boy has not slept for longer than 4 hours since birth! I just keep wondering where I've gone wrong. And - I'M TIRED!!! LOL! Good luck with the paed, I hope he can help. I'm not sure of any sleep schools around here other than Tresillian (which is where we went) but there are others like Possum Cottage and Whispers Cottage or something! There's a few in Sydney anyway. I'm actually going to call tomorrow to see if the nurse we saw is back from her holidays and have a chat with her over the phone...I don't know why, I know what she'll tell me and I'm already doing it I just need someone to tell me that

Mako - Happy bday for yesterday! What did you do? I hope you did something nice despite feeling a bit lousy. I am feeling better today, thanks for asking.

I cancelled my counselling appt again this week.... Haven't been for over a month now...keep expecting my psych is going to call me to tell me off! LOL.

[Tess]

hiya
I am so sorry I asked to be included in this thread and then find myself with no time to post!!

Deb - it is so good to hear you and Imogen are doing well. I do not know where you get your strength from but I think you have definitely passed it onto your little girl. Looking forward to seeing those photos.

Willow & Spring - sorry to hear about the sleep deprivation and that the situation is not improving. I am amazed how we function on so little sleep - I hope you find the solution soon (and can pass it onto me!).

Mako - I am sorry you had a lousey birthday, it is hard to celebrate sometimes when they only stir memories of sad times. Lynns analogy is spot-on though, that is exactly how I felt and still feel about my boy.

Lynn - how are things going? Hope all is well with your little one.

Hi to those I have missed - sorry I am not too good with personals when they take up so many pages! Things are good with us, Keira is growing well and doing the things she is supposed to. We are having a small 'constipation' issue at the moment, but hopefully tomorrow will be the big day (I am going out and it normally happens then!!).

Take care, and sleep long little babies.

[BekZ]

OMG - I can barely keep up

Michelle - Hugs. Have you considered putting off ttc for a while? Oscar may start to self ween after 12 months and then you won't have to make a decision. However, if you do decided to ween I am sure Oscar won't regret you giving him a sibling.

Deb - So glad to see you back. You have been through such a challenging time. I really take my hat off to you and Immy.

Mako - Happy Birthday sweety!!!! So sorry you are feeling down. I know how you feel about having the family complete etc. I always thought that I would have a girl and a boy and that would be it. I never imagined having to go through not one but 2 miscarriages and a few chem pregnancies. No I have 2 beautiful daughters and maybe going for number 3!!!!

Tess - Hi don't feel bad about not posting, we are all mums and we understand that time is scarce.

Spring - I hope you get the sleep issues sorted soon.

Janie - Congrates on your presentation.

So sorry if I have missed anything!!!!

[Lynn]

Deb - that is great that little Immy is doing so well. You must be so proud of her! That is awful about your friend, what a way to find out. I hope she is doing ok.

Spring - I am sorry to hear that Oliver is not sleeping very well. It is tough isn't it. Good luck at the paed, I hope he can give you some suggestions.

Tess - that is great that Keira is doing well. Ethan is doing well (now!). We had problems with feeding but they seem to be under control now that we know he has reflux and he is on the thickened formula. He sleeps beautifully through the night but thinks it isn't cool to sleep during the day - just cat naps!

Hi to Willow, Bek, Janie, Jayne, Michelle and anyone else!

Well a little vent here! I joined a mother's group which started on Monday. It was great to meet new people but it is always so hard telling my story. I said it over and over in my head before I went and thought I would be ok saying it outloud but when I got there as soon as I said Cooper's name I could just feel myself about to lose it so I wrapped it up. Why is it still so hard to talk about him? Even now I am starting to cry as I write this. When the formalities were over everyone was just sitting around talking and the nurse asked me about Cooper. There were only about 3 other women listening in at this point and I managed to talk about it until the lady sitting next to me (who happened to have a baby Cooper! ) said oh my Cooper was born with the cord around his neck 3 times and he is fine. Well good on you!!! I was so pi$$ed off, I couldn't believe she said that. Just after I said that my Cooper died because of the cord around his neck. I can tell you now I won't be sitting near her next week. Do people just not think before they speak????? Could she not have seen my emotions talking about Cooper???????? Are some people just completely insensitive??????

[BekZ]

OMG Lynn - Slap that woman down. Some ppl are just too full of their own importance. Please forgive her for being so ignorant, she obviously has been blessed and not to lost any one precious. HUGS sweety

[Willow]

Lynn - that is appalling. But don't waste any more energy thinking about her, it's just not worth it. You never know, maybe she was nervous about today, was just trying to make a connection and just said the first thing that popped into her head and is kicking herself for it now. Or maybe she's just a moron. But that's her problem...I hope some of the other woman are more understanding and you can find some common ground and form some friendships. Mum's groups can be really important in offering support and friendship and making that first year fun!

Spring - I just spoke to our Tresillian nurse she's back from holidays!! I swear one conversation with her and I feel sane again. She is awesome. I spoke to someone on the helpline yesterday who totally sucked all my confidence away (again) and when I told her what they'd said she said "that's bl**dy appalling!" hehehe! She told me that everything L is doing is age appropriate (esp his night feeding patterns) and to listen to what my instincts are telling me. I need her to record this message for me so I can play it over and over in moments of doubt, turns out I'm a slow learner Ahhhh, I do have me some "isseeeews"...I can see Michelle's eyes rolling from here I know, I know, but a bit of reassurance goes a long way with me!

If you want her details, let me know.