Parenting after Miscarriage or Loss ~ April 2008

[Michelle71]

Janie - I am soooooooo jealous Not that I can complain too loudly. DS wasn't too bad last night, although he did sleep with us after a feral day yesterday. Just really unsettled (Spring and Lynn can verify how long he took to settle to sleep yesterday!!) He then cried / screamed for 40 minutes on the way home. Industrial deafness here I come Good luck with the ABA training. I know you will be fabulous and when I next get pregnant (wishful thinking) I can call on you for support again with the breastfeeding.

Willow - I hope you and L get better soon

Deb - Soooooo happy to see you back around. I have missed you so very much.

BBL. The boy is asleep so I am heading for a shower.

[Lynn]

Michelle the dream feed worked a treat last night! I fed and bathed at 6pm and then he went down at 7pm. I then went in at 10pm and got him out of his cot, still wrapped and fed. I think at first he thought it was the dummy but then he realised that there was yummy stuff! He just feed and then I put him over my shoulder for about 15 minutes to help it all go down and he was just asleep the whole time! I put him back to bed and then he woke up at 6am this morning! I'm not getting too excited that this will work every night but he has been pretty good and sleeping though lately. I just wish I could give you some tips back to help you and Oscar. Ethan didn't sleep the whole way home either. He was nattering away most of the way but as soon as I hit the motorway he just cried and I couldn't stop the whole way home! He eventually feel asleep about 5 mintues from home...........typical!

[Rowie]

Can any of you tell me when I will get this right, the couple of things I love doing I just don't seem to have time for. I am so sorry I haven't been back to talk to you all.... I can't believe that Abbey is 8 weeks tomorrow.... Where does the time go???? I have wanted to come back so often but just can't seem to get a block of time long enough. I am supposed to be getting ready to go to my Dad's for dinner, Abbey is asleep that she stays like that till about 10 to 4 when I have to pick Zane up from kinder.
She's had a bad day today, been dragged from pillar to post, we have been to a birthday party this morning at McDonalds and then dropped Zane at Kinder. Poor cherub seems to be constipated (I have dropped down to two breastfeeds a day) so obviously the formula is catching up with her. Any suggestions????? Mind you she did fall asleep in the pram and we walked to kinder which was great for ME as I really needed the fresh air. It wouldn't be her first immunisations that have made her constipated would it?

Anyway I will catch up on personals soon, thanks for the welcome.

with love to all.

[BekZ]

HI Rowie - I always give Loren a few drinks of water throughout the day to help with costipation. Failing that give bub a couple doses of Infants Friend as well.

Horrid day here with miss Loren. She is not sleeping well atm and is really unsettled through the day as well as night. It seems that she just needs to bite down on things constantly and she just screams out all the time. I am not sure if she is teething or not, I certainly can't see teeth or bumbs.

Congrates to Ethan for giving your mummy a good nights sleep good boy

I bought a 6 pack of Itty Bitty nappies today!!!! I haven't told DH yet

[Willow]

Bek - same thing gonig on here the last few days, I can't work out whether it's teething or the cold

And I laybyed some BBH bamboo fitteds - haven't told my DH either

[Lynn]

Ok spoke too early Ethan has been awake since his 7pm feed and won't go down.............that will teach me for getting excited!!

[mako]

OOOMMMAAA!!!!!!!!! Willow and Bekz for not telling your dh's about your purchases I have also bought some clothes for Sage and haven't told dh about them cause he told me the other day not to buy anymore as he has way too much lol.Just can't help myself

I hope you all get some descent sleep tonight.

Sage only slept for 20 mins total today. He woke at 6:30 this morning and he went to bed at 7pm.He's not long woke for a feed and is asleep in my arms atm.

We had another look at the professional pics we had done last month and guess what...
we bought the whole disc.Dh couldn't decide what pics he wanted so he told the lady that we want them all lol. I've been to pick them up and they are gorgeous. I'll be printing them all out and putting in an album for our mums for mothers day

Hi to you all. Have a good weekend.

[Spring Angel]

Well last night was freaking horrid. There must be something in the water with all these kids at the moment.

DS would not settle, everytime I settled him and put him in is cot he would flip over onto his belly and try to crawl. He was rolling around everywhere and neither of us got very much sleep between about 1am and 4am. I even tried to feed him and he wasn't interested. It was like he wanted to play. I am totally and utterly confused. I ended up brining him into bed with me (sorry Paed, I know I said I wouldn't) and he slept there from 5.30 am until about 8. I really can't handle this much more. I lost it last night and balled my eyes out for about half an hour. DH tried to get him to sleep but he was just wide awake. As of today I am eliminating all caffine to see if that helps. I just need a break, man I wish my mum lived close by

sorry for the self indulgent post.

Spring

[BekZ]

Spring - Hugs hon. I reckon Ethan is having a wonder week!!!!Sounds like he is practing his new tricks. Sara did that particullary when she was learning to crawl.In the end if she was not crying I would leave her, go back to bed and wait till she got cranky. I would then try and settle her back to sleep.

[Michelle71]

Spring - if he is still foul tomorrow, bring him to me. He can play with Oscar and they can be feral together. You can go have a nap and we'll head to the park / shops / anywhere else. My little one was unsettled last night too. Sometimes I find when he is that awake we get up, go and play / watch TV until they are tired again (usually 1-2 hours later ) and then they settle for sleep. You can get your washing or whatever done while you have to be up too!!

I know how hard it is to just want your parents with you so you can get some support - and a sleep Here for you any time.

And a wonder week sounds very possible (I have the book coming this week if you need it ) Oscar was a horror when he was trying to crawl in his sleep. Kept headbutting the wall

[Janie]

Spring, please don't apologise, those nights are simply dreadful. I can PROMISE you it WILL get better. I know that sounds empty, but it's true. Don't feel bad for bringing Ollie into bed with you, you're only doing what gets you through, which is necessary. There is no point in sending yourself around the bend, when you have a solution that helps. You can resolve each night not to bring him into bed, but if that's what you end up doing, so be it. I swore every night for months that that night I would wake up properly and try to settle DS, but each and every night he would end up in our bed at some point. It's only now that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but you know what? I'm so glad I didn't walk around like a zombie for all those months, trying to achieve something, that possibly wasn't even going to happen. Trying to resettle them when you are dead on your feet is near impossible. It's only when you've had some sleep that it feels managable.

I'm sorry I don't have any solutions, or practical help for you. If I was nearby I'd come and take Ollie for you so you could have a nap! I hope you can catch up somehow this weekend.....stuff the housework, just sleep!

Big hugs hun

ETA Make sure you take Michelle up on her offer if you need to

[Spring Angel]

Thanks Bek: I would agree that he was wonder weeking except for the fact that he has been like this since birth

Michelle: You are too kind, thank you for your offer. I might take you up on that this week. We can tag team and both get a bit of precious sleep. I guess you know all too well how horrible it is. I am going to try your trick and get up with him and play. At least that way I am not in the nursery in the dark swaying back and forth, patting, shhing for hours on end and getting more and more frustrated. He didn't even want a feed, you should have seen me trying to force feed him the boob (lol) as DH said, it seems like a party is on and we missed the invites. It is like he just wants to play, he even giggles for goodness sake. I was hesitant to get him up fully, but perhaps and hour of play will be enough to tire him out and start the night routine from scratch.

Anything is worth a try.

Spring xx

[Spring Angel]

Janie: I just feel like he is never going to sleep more than 3 hours. I am trying to believe that it will get better but it sure doesn't look like it is getting better any time soon. Thank you for your post, it is nice to know that other people have managed to survive this torture that is sleep deprivation. I feel like I'm making matters worse by brining him into bed, but for hecks sake it can't be good for him to be surviving on so little sleep so it is just trying to find that balance.


ETA: I feel guilty for saying this but I am really not enjoying this phase. During the days are just delightful, I love spending every minute with DS, but by night I just dread it. I feel guilty for not being the calm mother, I get so upset and frustrated. I resent the fact that he is such a poor sleeper and I feel guilty and terrible for even typing that.

Spring

[Michelle71]

Spring - you are not a bad mother and the guilt is normal. We often feel that, because we lost our first baby, we should just be grateful and appreciate the fact that we have a live one at home. We don't have the right to complain. We don't have the right to have a bad day. And that is sooooooo not true. Just because we hate the phase / behaviour / lack of sleep does not mean we don't love our babies more than life itself. Yesterday I was ready to give Oscar away - purely because he was such a challenge and changing his nappy had become an intensive workout - for ME!!!! I was sooooooooooooo frustrated but that doesn't mean I don't love him, nor does it make me a bad mother. Just a normal one having a not so good day.

I am going to go out on a limb here and tell you something - I do whatever it takes to get through the night. Some nights that is pat him back to sleep / resettle him etc. I used to do that a lot around the same age as Oliver because I was feeling pressure to have him sleep better. Everyone else could do it -why wouldn't mine. Then I realised that this time is short. A few months and all will be better (there are still a few months to go though ) He WILL sleep - eventually. And he will sleep in his own bed. So, for now, he sleeps in our room in the portacot. It is easier for me to get up to him and settle him quickly without too much fuss. If he wakes a little more, he comes into our bed where he (generally) sleeps better and for longer. It won't be forever and I get so much more sleep that way than I do when he is in his room and I have to get up and go to him.

There is still the pressure from outsiders telling me I shouldn't have him in bed with us, he should be sleeping X number of hours in a row etc etc. Pfft to them. This is my baby and he will sleep when he is ready. I am not prepared to have him scream because I have left him and I can't enjoy my precious time with him if I am so tired from settling.

I have chosen the path of least resistance. Whatever works on the day. Some days it is following the *rules* and most days the rules are no where to be found. The gentle approach for me is more extreme than that of most of my friends. I have few people I can talk to about what I am doing. Mostly I am judged and made to feel like the sleeping problems are because of the things I do or don't do. I believe my child is growing and changing so much and learning so much at the moment that he needs the extra reassurance and (often) the extra feeds. He will stop this incredible developmental spurt soon enough and sleeping will get better again. In January it was great - followed soon after by teething, crawling, cruising, talking, teething again etc etc. I know he CAN sleep and so he will again. The extra pressure only makes my life harder and decreases the enjoyment I get from my child.

You need to do whatever it takes to get you through the night with the least amount of stress. If he is awake - get up and play (at Oliver's age we did it 4 nights in a row which REALLY hurt!! Us - not him ) If he needs a cuddle - give it. If he is able to be settled (and you have the reserves) then do that. Try to stick to the routine that suits you but I tend to follow the routine that he dictates. Having said that - his routine is now quite lovely. Dinner around 5. Bath before 6. Settled for bed by 7. Awake again around 10 for a feed etc. Up between 6-7am. I am ignoring the wakings through the night - they change daily. Take the pressure of yourself to be perfect and to get it right. BAD NEWS COMING ................ it is going to get worse for a little while when you go back to work too, just because he misses you.

Anyway, ramble over. Short version - do what you need to. Don't do the rest. Sleep as much as possible. Enjoy the moment and know that this too will pass. And know that you are not alone

[Lynn]

Spring, don't feel bad for saying that. I was like that with feeding - I dreaded it because I just knew it meant hours of screaming and shreaking! I never got that time between feeding and sleeping to spend with Ethan playing or just talking. I was in tears every feed for weeks. I feel bad because I didn't enjoy the early weeks. We all have challenges, they are just different. I would love to help but you don't want me around Ollie at the moment as I have a bl00dy cold!!! I will buzz you next week when I am better and I will come over and look after Ollie while you sleep call me if you need - me ear is all yours.

[Lynn]

Just remember that our babies aren't reading the same books we are reading, they didn't read the text book that says what babies are supposed to do. I am compared all the time with my sisters baby because he never cries and is always smiling. I have realised that Ethan isn't bad because he cries, it is that William is just such a good baby (never met one like him before!). People can judge and comment all they want but they haven't been through what we have been through. Take a deep breathe babe, you are doing everything you can and Ollie knows that you love him

[Janie]

Michelle, I hear you! The path of least resistance is often judged in my experience. I don't really have anyone to talk about it to either, because most of my friends are very negative about any cosleeping. That's where BB is my saviour! It's not that I like to be the same as everyone else, nor do I want DS to be. But sometimes it's nice to know that you're not the freak/lazy mother that some people think you are I love reading your posts about your parenting, we seem so similar in alot of ways. Um, yeah, I absolutely dread nappy change times - is that a bad thing?

Spring, it really is hard trying to find that balance. And I know it feels endless, like they'll never sleep, trust me. One day Ollie will sleep longer than 3 hours, and we won't be able to wipe the smile of your face Until then, do what you need to to make it through the day (and night) and make use of whatever support is on offer. I remember getting up for a play in the night when DS was about Ollie's age, sometimes it's just the easiest way to go. Good luck hun

[Spring Angel]

I am so lucky to have you guys. I really needed to read these posts today. I just feel like I set my mind to one thing and it works for a night, and then the next day it is the totally wrong thing to do. Michelle I wish I was as sure of my choices as you, I too feel the pressure but TBH most of it comes from me. I am nervous about going back to work, most days I can barely function so I have no idea how I'm going to cope. I like your idea Michelle of not counting the night wakings, I guess I have no choice but to go with the flow and follow the path of least resistance.

Why does it have to be so hard some days? Is more than 3 hours too much to ask? I know he will start to sleep eventually, but a few months, I can barely figure out how I'm going to survive the rest of today. I know it is always worse on days like these so thank you for confiding in me and letting me know that it is ok to do all the things those books say we shouldn't.

I might be creating a rod for my back but at least I'll be well rested enough to withstand that rod.

I'm going to head out for a while, I need something really bad so I'm thinking a custard slice and some shopping might help pepp me up.

Once again, thank you so much for all your support and advice.
Spring xx

PS. Party at my place about 1am, everyone's invited