Guilt over DS and loss....

[water_lily80]

Hi everyone. I really need a place to vent my anxieties and worries and this is honestly the only place I feel I can do it!! Knowing you guys have (unfortunately) been through a loss and so you know how it feels.

On Wed I took my son to his pre-kindy class , a half a day session with a teacher to get kids ready for kindy next year. (DS is 3.5). The teacher told me before the session that she wanted to speak to me after the session, so I had to wait 3 hrs to see her. I was pretty sure I knew what it would be about as DS has been having difficulty staying on the mat during singing time and generally not paying attention.(Which I was not too worried about as he is very excitable and loves interacting with the other kiddies). But I was shocked when she told me she was going to refer him on for further assessment as she felt his development was not where it should be.(Mainly in terms of concentration, attention etc)

I asked for some examples of his behaviour and then I started to explain how I felt I was not really "there" for DS for about 6 months after the stillbirth of our son Thomas when DS was nearly 2, I felt his development had been compromised by me because during my extreme grief DS was sort of left to run wild a bit, watched many, many more dvd's and tv than i would have previously allowed, as I just had to basically cry and grieve. So anyway I burst into tears, there I was bawling my eyes out with the other mums trying to look away and pretending not to notice.

Does anyone here feel there other children have been effected by the way we (naturally) deal with loss and grief? I am feeling a bit alone here as no-one I know understands, and kind of brush it off if I try to talk about it (they are probably afraid I'll start crying I think). I feel DS may have been more affected by my subsequent parenting than I thought and I am feeling guilty, although logically I know I couldn't have acted in any other way at the time. I just hope he isn't really delayed in his development as the teacher thinks. He is the youngest in his class.

Sorry for the ramble.

[mrsmac]

I can't answer any questions with regards to loss but as a teacher I am surprised a preschool teacher would say that as how many pre school age boys sit nicely on mats??? I teach year 1 who are aged 6 and I have some boys who have taken a while to get the hang of it and its their 2nd year of school.
Without seeing your son myself I would hazard a guess that he is just acting like a normal 3 yr old boy. So much research is being done now on how boys learn and one of the big things is that they don't like to sit in a formal sitaution and thay are doers and like to be moving.
I am not trying to negate your feelings of loss just get rid of the guilt feelings cause I don't think you have done anything wrong.

[water_lily80]

thanks mrsmac!! I'm glad you also don't think his behaviour sounds too "delayed"...I think you are right he certainly loves being on the go!!Hopefully she is just being extra cautious....

[slyder]

Water Lily, I was 2.5 when my sister died and my parents obviously struggled with the grief, and continue to do so today. I'm not sure if this was the reason that I said my first words at 3.5, and had a lot of trouble integrating at school, but the point is, I've turned out alright (some may disagree) am well adjusted, and it hasn't had any lasting affect on me apart from the obvious stuff to do with death of a sibling etc.

Try not to fret too much. Maybe your son has a few behavioural issues, maybe the teacher was over zealous, who knows. Chances are that he'll be alright. He has plenty of time to catch up on any areas he may be slightly behind with.

[Spring Angel]

Waterlily: I am no child therapist, but by the sounds of your post you are a loving, wonderful mother who has raised a energetic friendly young boy. If it is the case that he needs some help with his development, then it sounds like he has the help that he needs.

Just keep doing what you are doing and try not to let that horrible 'mummy guilt' stress you too much

Lv SPring

[Willow]

I just wanted to say that I understand how you feel. We lost our second baby at 12 wks when DD was just 15 months. I went through an awful 12 months of grief, surgeries, recovery and then was diagnosed with secondary infertility and had to go through IVF to conceive our son. I was pretty seriously depressed throughout this time and there were days where, I am ashamed to admit, I would just sit on the kitchen floor and cry while my DD was at home with me. I've often wondered what, if any, affect this time has had on her.

Just this weekend I have finally updated all her photo albums and I realised while looking through them there are hardly any photos of her during that time - mummy just wasn't 'there' a lot of the time to take them I felt soooo terribly guilty when I realised this that I burst into tears.

Try not to feel too guilty, you've done an amazing job in my eyes just to have survived such a traumatic loss. These little ones are pretty resilient and I'm sure if there is some developmental issues with your son, you are not to blame. We all do the best we can at the time.

[Snacks]

Water lily. I too am thinking perhaps the teacher was erring on the side of caution? I wonder too that not sitting still on a mat at 3 years old is considered 'delayed'?
I'm so sorry for your loss, and I can't imagine the impact that must have on your parenting. I agree with Spring, though, it sounds to me like you are loving, interested and involved in your DS's life - he will thrive in your care, whatever the outcome of this proposed further assessment.

[blizz]

I think these days teachers and carers are staying cautious about children's development because we would hate to think that we missed something that could have helped the child get assistance early and made it a lot easier for them to progress in learning and life.

I know as a child carer I would rather refer a child who I even had a slight concern over rather than miss that opportunity for early intervention that could in turn lessen or even correct any problems that were occurring I would rather be wrong than miss something that could help your child.

In saying that I know how tactless some people can be in delivering their opinion I have been on the receiving end of concern expressed about my DD but it is understandably a delicate situation for all involved I have had to tell parents recently about things of concern about their children and I felt so awful doing it.

I am sure everything will be fine for you both and I really don't think that it was anything that you have done and I totally agree that sitting on the mat is a skill which they develop in time believe me I know, I work with 30, 3-5 year olds, so I am sure that it won't be anything serious, if anything at all!!! he may just be an imaginative thinker (I know I have been guilty of thinking big thoughts when I am supposed to be focusing on lectures or training sessions and finding it hard to stay on track with the group)
hope this makes sense I seem to have rambled I think.

[water_lily80]

I agree with you guys, it is better to identify any issues early on so they can be dealt with asap! I am actually an OT, and he would probably (ironically) be referred on to an OT if any issues are identified, which has compounded the guilt I think, that is I, if anyone should have been able to identify any issues!! But we are a bit blind sometimes when it comes to our own little darlings.

Your kind words mean a lot, thanks for your replies and support. And you are all right, he is young, everything turn out OK in the end and I did what I could at the time.

[clare076]

now I know your DS personally, and I must say he is the most beautiful little boy I have ever met. He is intelligent, gentle and I think developmentally above average, not behind! I know other little boys a lot older than Alec and they are just the same, I thinkits called being a little boy.

However, I do understand what you are saying. With Max, I had bleeding for over 8 weeks, and I was too scared to even pick Shelby up, I spent most of my day in the toilet not playing with Shelby like I should of. Then when I fell pregnant with Sam, I was too scared to do anything for fear that I would loose him. So Shelby for the first time ever watched television, and a lot of it. And I have felt guilty about it ever since. Now I have Sam who is very demanding and was since birth, so poor Shelby has been shoved to the side again, but she adapts very well. .

He will be fine, dont feel guilty anymore.
xxx

[water_lily80]

thanks clare nice to hear people say such great things about their kids!!

i did take him to the nurse for further assessment and she agreed he is perfectly ok, just the teacher overly enthusiastic!!! he really gets into his fun 4's, singing louder than all the kids, yelling out questions all the time, hugging all the kids, and I think the teacher is now just learning that's his personality. i was really upset and worried at the time, and her list of concerns was about a mile long, but now i am relieved after the nurses assessment!!

i was the same when pregnant with finn, no housework for me!!!! and they adjust as you say.

take care xx

[Rowie]

Oh Water lily, get rid of that guilt, it has nothing to do with you. I have a 4 year old doing 3 year old kinder again this year because he is so not ready for school/4 year old kinder. Your son sounds like a typical 3 year old to me. Don't be hard on yourself, you have a fabulously normal 3 year old boy!!!!

[krysalyss]

I agree with some of the other posts re: that he doesn't sound developmentally delayed. I am sure that if he was you would have picked it up as an OT.
Also I saw someone elses post about teachers being over zealous because they don't want to miss anything but I personally think that that could be just as dangerous. Once you place a label on a child in your mind it is very hard to shake and can lead to that child acting in the way you have projected. I think instead of being over cautious it is best to look realistically at what he can do and not just one persons perception of what he should be able to do. Self-deception is one thing but I think that if he was developmentally delayed you would have noticed. Otherwise, why would you have been so surprised when she said that?
Regarding how affected he was by your time of grief. Undoubtedly he was in some way affected. But I think that his experiences both before your loss and once you felt more yourself will have made up for it. It was a natural thing that he saw you experience. And he saw you recover and keep going. It is a hard but valuable life lesson that he would have learnt from you.
I hope this helps.