Parenting after loss & Miscarriage #3 June '08

[LisaL]

PS Alexandra had learnt "open shut them" and claps on cue too, and she waves bye, and barks like our dog when we ask her "what does the doggy do?" Im such a proud mummy, sorry but I had to share!

[mako]

Lisa What a clever little girl you have hun.It gorgeous when they learn nursery rhymes and sounds isn't it

Michelle I hope you were able to get some sleep. Do you have a couple of days off now after those yukky 12 hour shifts?

Do we have a day that suits everyone in Sydney for a meet up next week or the week after?

Hi to everyone.Hope you are all ok.

I'm not going to say anymore atm as I'm not in a good head space tonight. Too many things to think about. I'll probably bbl to seek your views on my "issues"

[Willow]

Girls, I miss you all too and you are all a very important part of my life. It's just that I've had a few 'isseews' since L's birth, you know the anxiety, the constantly questioning myself as a mother and I think that sometimes BB feeds that anxiety - NOT this thread or you beautiful girls, but the baby buddies, the 'is this normal', 'my baby's not doing this', 'my baby's doing that', 'my baby's sleeping through the night at 8 weeks' all that sort of stuff. I guess I just find it really hard not to compare my little fella and feel like I'm doing a miserable job. BUT I'm getting better and better and I think bypassing a lot of those posts the last few weeks when we were having a rough time, especially with sleep, has helped. But clearly I am not going to stick to the once a week rule! LOL. DH is watching the footy tonight so i figured I might as well jump on. But like Sez, I am going back to basics and concentrating on this thread only. I didn't move out of our little corner for a very long time and sometimes I wish I had kept it that way! Even though I usually post when the kids are asleep or occupied, I need to spend less time talking about my kids and more time BEING with my kids.

Sez - please don't get excited, I'm not that good!! We did the four units as a set of workshops, so we didn't actually sit through and do every single activity in the workbooks and I still haven't completed all the assessment tasks. I've got 3 practical type ones to do yet. It's pretty full on! I've spoken to our GL and TE and am giving myself till the end of the month to tidy up these units, then decide whether to start going to training meetings next month and continue on with the other 10 units I need to do to complete the counselling course. These 4 units will qualify me as a CE once I'm finished but I really want to do counselling. Rrmember me saying that I wasn't clicking with my group? Well doing these workshops and getting to know them all better has helped. I'm starting to feel more and more that these are mums like me and they are helping me accept that the way I have chosen to parent L is not WRONG, despite what I've always been told (and still struggled with!). I was definitely the dunce of the class though, amongst the group was a vet who also has her PhD in archeology and another who has a doctorate in chemistry!! And then there's me, legal secretary/paralegal extraordinaire!!

Michelle - I've been pregnant 3 times, twice successfully. But none of them are what I'd consider 'normal' pregnancies - DD was my first so there was that naive wonder and excitement, #2 well, that was just stressful and felt doomed from the start given the circumstances, and I did feel VERY detached during that pregnancy. I think I was trying to protect myself - didn't work! And DS, well you were there, you know what I was like! LOL. Each one is unique and it does make a big difference when you have work and a little person to distract you, life is just busier. I hope things settle soon and you can take the time to enjoy it. For what it's worth, it's different when you bring the second baby home too - the time passes you by before you know it. 6 months with DD felt like a year, but 6 months with DS felt like 2. Life is just busier!

Mako - rightio, spill! What's going on? Maybe we can help?

Sydney girls - when are we meeting up? Can we organise a date?

[Spring Angel]

Hi girls, I'm going to be really selfish here, I'm just so utterly sad. I don't know if you have read the pregnancy thread, but Mel lost her little boy Josh. I'm just not coping, my mind is spinning. I am going to Melbourne to be with her but I just wish there was more that I could do, my heart is broken, I can't even imagine what she is going through. How can any mother bury two sons?????

I just feel so lost for her, I spoke with her today and she is in shock. Her pain is overwhelming.

I'm sorry to do this but I just needed to purge.

[Willow]

Oh Spring, I'm so, so sorry. I don't know Mel, I tend not to intrude on that thread, but my heart is breaking for her. You are a wonderful friend going to be with her to support her. I am sure it is going to be a tough time for you, you will be in my thoughts and prayers, along with Mel and her family.

**ETA: I just read about poor little Joshua and Mel my god, I cannot believe life can be that cruel.

[Michelle71]

Spring - you are doing everything you can by simply being there for her and giving her your love and support. Just please do one thing for me - look after yourself. It is not fair, I don't understand how this cruel twist can be sent to Mel and her DH but I also know that you cannot let it taint everything for you either. That is not what Mel would want.

I have been working very hard over the past few days to strengthen my mental resolve after Mel's horrible news. It dented my confidence that all could be ok and that I could get the positive outcome again. I know there are many with currently growing bumps in the other thread who will be experiencing the same fears. It is the worst feeling to have someone (particularly someone you know) who has walked your path have a negative outcome again. It reminds you of the frailty of the life growing within you and that there are no guarantees you will bring that baby home.

Unfortunately work presents this scenario to me often. I am treating women of a similar gestation with pregnancy failure and loss of their babies almost every shift. I CHOOSE to care for them (I know - I am completely nuts ) because I know I can offer them empathy and support that someone else may not be able to give. I have walked their path and I can give them hope when all seems futile. The reverse of that is the additional stress I give myself. The fears that I create. It happened to them - what is to stop it happening to me type thoughts.

I have to believe there is a reason and that life can be good. I didn't lose my daughter for no good reason. I didn't walk this difficult path and alter my entire existence for no positive in the long term. I have to believe there is a purpose or I can't live this life I have been given. It has changed me - forever. I am not the person I was before I tried to get pregnant for so many years and I am definitely not the person I was before I lost Caitlyn. Sometimes I am not sure if I am a better person for it but I am definitely different.

While you try to process the loss of Joshua and the unfairness of all of this keep hold of the belief that there is good out there. Keep hold of that beautiful little man of yours and pray Mel has the strength to get through this day and the next. Please send her my love and hug her a little tighter to let her know I am sending one to her via your arms. You are a very special friend for supporting her during this time. Look after yourself (mentally and emotionally) too and call me if you need to chat or vent. I am off tomorrow and at work Friday and Saturday so I will be up until at least 1am those days

[Spring Angel]

Michelle and Willow thank you so much talking to Mel today actually physically hurt, I tried so hard to keep it together for her but I couldn't. I just want to make it all ok for her.

Mel is very special to me. She was the first person I met on BB after I lost Harry. I was searching madly on the net for someone else who might know my pain and I found Mel. Since then we have been together through the highs and the lows, I have told her things that not another soul on this earth knows. I only hope that I can be what she needs. I will spend the rest of my days trying to make her smile once again.

I am just so sad I am just so sad
WHY WHY WHY ???????????????????????

[Willow]

Oh Spring, I cannot imagine how you are feeling, only that i know how i would feel if it were one of you girls, that are so special to me. I remember when we were all back in our prg thread, one of the girls lost her baby and I cried for two days. I wasn't even particularly close to her but like Michelle said, knowing that it had happened again to someone just like me, walking the same path as me is a fearful thing and just seems too cruel. This is a club no one wants to be a part of, yet we truly treasure its members.

I CHOOSE to care for them (I know - I am completely nuts ) because I know I can offer them empathy and support that someone else may not be able to give. I have walked their path and I can give them hope when all seems futile.

Michelle, you are not nuts, you are just an amazing woman

It certainly puts things into perspective doesn't it

[Flowerchild]

Spring,
The wise words of Michelle couldn't be said any better...

You are a wonderful friend to Mel (and us all) . You know that the time will come at some unknown point in the future - one day she will smile again and remember with fondness what it's like to be happy. I left a rather jumbled message on your sisters mobile (remember Stellas Birthday last year you gave me her # and I asked if she would give you my number as I don't have your's anyway... if she said she had a wierd message from Deb from BB you will now understand ) she probably thinks me a little mad...

You are incredible for being there for Mel - with family and work to juggle. You are a very special human being and one we are all so very blessed to have in our lives. You will know just what to do to make this nightmare a little softer...
Like you and Michelle I have been left distraught by this - it is the unthinkable - for 2 babies to fly away from the arms of such wanting parents... I have thought of nothing else. I held tight to my Immy and felt so blessed, and then felt so guilty, so confused... .

Look after you Spring and when you reach Mel - tell her I am crying so many tears for her and I am here for her.

I have been trying to think of something special we could collectively do - flowers die and I would like to do something that she will have always - to remember how we remember Josh.

Big big hugs Spring and Michelle...

[Michelle71]

I hate how vulnerable this makes me feel And Deb - yes, the guilt. I know we have nothing to feel guilty about but you do. You think - what makes me special enough to have this blessing of such a wonderful child and why can't Mel have it too.

I have treasured today at home - snoozing with the boy and cuddling him as often as I can. Cherishing his giggle when we went shopping. I was blowing in his hair while he sat on my hip in the sling and his giggles just made me swell with love. The small things are appreciated when you have a reminder of how precious life is.

[Flowerchild]

Michelle - I left a couple of messages this evening for you...

[Willow]

Girls I have been thinking of you all so much tonight and when I told DH about Mel and little Joshua, I had a good cry for you all too. I wish there was something I could do to make you all feel better

I also had a moment where I thanked my lucky stars

Michelle - give that belly of yours a rub from me and trust that all is going to be OK, no matter how impossible it seems at moments like this.

[Michelle71]

Deb - I don't have any messages on my phones. Where did you leave them???

ETA - found them!! Silly phone hasn't told me. I'll call you tomorrow

[Janie]

I am gutted by the news of Joshua's death. So is DH, he can't talk about it. I cannot believe that life can be so cruel. So so cruel. I don't know Mel (apart from following her story a little here on BB) but my heart breaks for her and her family.

For those of you who are friends with her.......big big hugs . I can only liken your feelings to how I felt last year. A very dear friend of mine was 38 weeks pg with her first (and a very high risk pg to boot) and her DH committed suicide. So unexpected, so terrible, for so many people. I couldn't function for days. In the end I had to pull myself together, as I realised I was doing my family no favours. I have a little boy who needs his mummy. You want to do everything to make it better, you want to turn back the clock, and change things somehow. All you can do is be there, and be her friend. She will remember your support, and it will help her get through the darkest days of her life.

Sending all the support I can muster to Mel and her DH. RIP Joshua, I hope you're having fun playing with your dear brother Nicholas.

[Michelle71]

Janie - how are you?? Is everything OK?? Is DS ok?? Just a bit worried about you lately

[Janie]

Have PMd you Michelle

[LisaL]

Oh ladies. I am heartbroken for Mel. I couldn?t even begin to understand or imagine her pain, but I can only pray for Joshua's soul and for Mel's heart and mind to keep her as strong as possible during this tragic time. My tears are falling for her, and for those of you, who like her have had to say goodbye to a precious child.

Spring, we are here to support you through this too sweety. I know Mel will find great comfort in having you by her side right now. You are a good friend, and like Michelle says, you take care of yourself too.

Michelle, sweety your post was touching, and I love the fact that you care for these women. It?s a testament to the wonderful and strong woman that you are.

Hugs to everyone else today, hold your dear little ones tight and thank the heavans that we each get have a little miracle to hold, pray for those who are in their darkest hour, and hope that one day the light will shine for them and bless them with a little miracle of their own.

Lisa xx

[Flowerchild]

Nothing will bother me today, for I am blessed to have my children...