Support/Debrief after Stillbirth/Lateloss & Death of a Child

[Lucy]

Welcome to Support/Debrief after Stillbirth/Lateloss & Death of a Child.

I am sorry that anyone has to come in here but sadly there are many people mourning the loss of a loved baby/child. Our aim is to provide a safe place for women and men who have endured stillbirth/Late Loss or the Death of a Child to come and share their feelings, and feel supported by a loving community.

The journey is long and so terribly difficult, some days are too difficult to face and other days are easier. Our hope is that here you will find loving support on this journey that noone ever wants to take.

It is important that people feel safe to talk freely but always respectfully and kindly to and of, each other. Remembering that we all come from different "places" and different frames of reference. For some remembering anniversarys will be very important & for others not so etc. For some it will be difficult to know what to say - or perhaps too confronting - this too, in here, is okay. It is so very important that this forum is a safe place of healing and support.

I ask you always to keep in mind that grief is so very very challenging to navigate, so please try to post after thinking twice. Everyone's struggle is hard for them - though each of our circumstances is different.

As you join this forum you can PM Flowerchild with your details and I will add it to the beginning of the thread so we can know a little of you without needing to ask.... sometimes this can be a challenge & I thought this would help.

If a poster has an issue with any post or a member please follow BellyBelly guidelines by taking it off the forums and directly to a Moderator.

The Moderators for this Forum are:

Flowerchild - flowerchild@bellybelly.com.au

Your Administrator of this forum is Niliac If at any time you'd like to make a suggestion (which we always welcome!), provide any feedback for this forum or make a complaint, please contact her by email or if you prefer one of the moderators. Her email details are here.

We appreciate all your feedback as it does help to make our forums a much safer place to share. Your comments will be taken seriously and treated with confidentiality, so please feel free to contact us anytime.

Thank you

[Michelle71]

Thank you. At this moment in time I am finding the loss of my first child more and more prominent in my thoughts as I grow her sister. I will be back later with my story but I just wanted to thank you for a corner in which I can grieve and de-brief while I struggle with growing a new little person and the fears this creates and the emotions it stirs.

[Flowerchild]

Wow Michelle you were fast off the mark - by the time I had done the rounds to let everyone know you were here!
I hope this helps extend the support that already exists in our forums.
I am too tired to make any sense so I wil bb tomorrow.

[~StarBright~]

Thank you Deb and Lucy- i think this will be a very usefull and much used thread..

Right now i am dealing with finally having a live child to bring home.. i have done the pregnant thing more than a few times- but i find myself now in fresh new water of being a mum to a live baby and all the joys and the sleepless nights and trying to cope with the feelings of "am i doing a good enough job" or "the right thing" and dealing with feelings of realising just what i have truelly missed by not having my angels with me.

I am looking forward to spending time in here sharing with everyone.

Michelle... I know you are struggling at the moment- your little girl growing inside you- and her big sister are both going to forever play special parts in your life.. i think it is a big thing to discover you are pregnant with the same sex as a baby you have lost - it brings with it many extra worries- and also fears and thoughts- not to mention the added what ifs and reminders even more so of your daughter who is not with you and what might have been. I hope we can all help you to get through these fears- even if its just by simply listening xoxoxo

[diannescruffy]

Hi all,
What a great place to be able to share our emotions and support one another. Our little boy Emmanuel was born sleeping two years ago and I miss him so much.
I hope to get to know everyone here and to be able to share our stories.

Regards,
Dianne

[MeredithD]

I know most of you already and have great admiration for your strength in coming through such late losses. Mine have all been early but far to many and the pain is still so enormous it consumes nearly every waking moment.
The "what ifs" kill me. I should have been X weeks pg or should have another baby/ies by now etc etc. There are constant reminders with every function, birthday, planned holidays etc. I wish i knew how to switch it off!

[MeredithD]

Sorry ladies, In the vague haze I am walking through, I didn't read the intro to this thread properly.
I've just re-read it and realised i don't really fit in here. Sorry again, Hope you all can get through your tough times as best as possible with the wonderful support of the others in here.

[diannescruffy]

Hi,
My precious little boy was born sleeping two years ago and I have trouble looking through his memory box. We have some photos, hand and footprints, a little tiny outfit that was put on him at the hospital. I've only been able to look at his things twice in two years and I feel so guilty, I really really want to be able to just sit down and go through it. I think I'm just too scared because it is so painful and hard. I know it will happen one day, I hope soon.
Sending everyone big .

Regards,
Dianne

[Flowerchild]

Michelle: How are you feeling my love? I know this is a really really tough time for you coming up to the time in Caitlyn's pregnancy that she flew away. Know I am here for you.

Katti: It is challenging bringing home a live baby after two angels. The joy and excitement is tempered with the sadness and the loss.

Diannne: I am glad you have joined us - going through a memory box is the hardest thing. I know just how much it hurts. Take your time and lean on us all in here.

[Michelle71]

How am I - today was not a good day I over did it the day before and then had decreased movements for the next 24 hours. I know with Caitlyn's pregnancy I ran across a road (or something of that trivial nature) felt some tightness and then stopped feeling movements. I know in my heart (and from when she was born) that she died then.

So - what did I do? Ran around a little too much at work, got a tight feeling and then had decreased movements. Add to that seeing and treating a colleague with an IMC (and 3 others ) today. It was doing my head in. Thankfully one of my colleagues went and got the machine from the high risk clinic and found Edna's heartbeat for me stating - if you won't come to me, I'll bring it to you. Bless her.

I then had a debrief and a cry and I feel a whole lot better My head knows she just changed position so she was either kicking my placenta or towards my back (and she is kicking away happily right now) by my fears are just overwhelming at the moment. I don't remember it being this bad with the little man.

I have the next 10 days off so I can focus on keeping positive and not dealing with the world outside. I have the next scan on Thursday and I am so worried there will be a problem but the reality is it is more than likely fine.

I feel like I can't talk about these fears. My real world is limited in who knows her gender and who would even understand why these emotions are so strong at the moment. Yes, they would make some of the right noises but there would also be the inevitable "it is a different pregnancy" "stop worrying about it" "it will be ok" etc etc which is soooooooo not my reality at the moment. And really - who understands the depth of these feeling unless they have walked a part of that path themselves??

I am missing my baby girl more and more and feel like I am betraying her in some way. I think I need to make a formal appointment with a neutral outside person to talk some of this through. It must be bad when I think professional help is needed. I can usually debrief myself (with a little help from my friends!!) but it is different this time.

A bit of a ramble but right now I don't really make sense to myself. I need a little time to focus on Edna and to focus on me. I need to fill my spirit with some positives. I think I need a trip to the beach. The water and the waves are good for the soul - must be the water sign coming out in me.

[diannescruffy]

Hi Michelle,

Just want to send you big :hug.
This is a really tough time for you emotionally, when I was pregnant last year after losing Emmanuel I was really shocked with the way my emotions were. I thought I was getting stronger and we were so happy I was pregnant but really scared at the same time. I will be thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers. Take time for you, like you said go for a walk along the beach, cry if you feel like crying.

Regards,
Dianne

[Michelle71]

Thank you Dianne I am absolutely thrilled to be pregnant and to be having a girl. It just feels like a betrayal to Caitlyn. Either I have blocked out how I was feeling with Oscar or this time is so much worse. Only a few days to go until the scan that will (hopefully) ease some of the fears. I the meantime - tears and special cuddles with the little man

[Rach75]

I'm not sure if I belong here given the circumstances with how our Katy passed, but I am finding as her 5th bday/angel day is fast approaching my thoughts are turning to her more and more, being sick doesn't help...to much time to ponder

I keep thinking I should be getting her ready for prep next year, I still have samll doubts in my mind about her diagnosis which is stupid...

anyway just thought I'd pop in and I dont know.........

[dellydoo]

Rach I don't think you're being stupid at all sweetheart. Your pain is just that - Yours. You own it and you don't have to put a time line on it or label the why and how. Darling going through this is so very hard and please know that your time to grieve is whenever you need to.
Being sick makes us so much more vulnerable, so do special dates.

I am sending you some love and hugs and hope that the sun will be a little brighter for you soon.
Love
Adele

[Lisa]

Rach.
You DO belong here because you have had a loss honey.
I understand so much of what you have written. I too have those moments/days where I doubt Noah's diagnosis, and then have guilt of not carrying him to term, even though I know the reality was that I couldn't.
I will be keeping you in my heart and thoughts over the next 22 days. Noah would have been 2 this year, and when I was celebrating my nephew's 2nd birthday, and watching him sing Happy Birthday to himself... my heart broke thinking that my little baby could/should have been singing Happy Birthday also.

Michelle - Huge hugs to you too hun.

[Rach75]

thanks so much girls, I juts think its that time of the year I know I should concentrate on Jack he will be 2 2days after Katy bday but I miss my little girl so much.

[diannescruffy]

Hi Rach,
Just wanted to give you big . No matter how many years pass the pain of our angels is always there. I don't think we can help thinking about the milestones, it is natural for us, they are our angels. It is so true when we are sick or just having a down day our thoughts tend to be with our angels, I know mine do. Just remember your precious Kati will always be in your heart, hold her close.

Lots of luv,
Dianne

[Michelle71]

Rach - regardless of the circumstances, Katy was and is a part of your life and who you are. I think with every approaching anniversary we always have sadness and thoughts of what could have been. I know I look at a little boy (the surviving twin of a friend who lost one half way through their pregnancy) who was born the month before Caitlyn and wonder what she would have been like. She should be talking, walking etc too. It is hard to see but also beautiful. A reminder of his preciousness. You are meant to be here