My baby boy.

[wishingforababy]

I know from what my family are going through its extreamly hard to come up with any response to such a thing as this. To be honest, I just feel I need to write it down and this seems like the sort of place I feel most comfortable talking about it. I haven't really spoken to anyone since it happened, i've been bottling it all up and its starting to drive me crazy.

Late last sat night I started bleeding. I've been bleeding a bit throughout the pregnancy, in a spotting type of mannor, and had been told everything was ok. so Shane (my partner) reasured me not to worry and to go get it checked out as soon as was possible. I think i knew at this point that something was very wrong, but was trying hard to convince myself that i'm sure everything is fine, but I hadn't had any movement for about 24 hours. Finally on monday morning Shane convinced me to go to the hospital, I had been up all night with cramps and was terrofied. By the time i got to the hospital I was in labour. I have never been so scared in my life. The dr told me that there was no heart beat and that they where going to have to deliver the baby, still born. It was the most horrible thing I have ever been through. They told me that my baby, a little boy (we hadn't found out the sex before), Freddy, had died because the placenta had come away and he hadn't been getting the nutrients and oxygen he needed.

Shane is devestated. I have never before felt this sad before. just a few weeks before we had a scan and everything was fine. Thats whats so hard to deal with. there is no one to blame, there is nothing anyone could do or could of done. I kept hearing people say, its just one of those things, and these things happen. I cant find comfort in that. all I can think about it how much I want my baby, and how unbelieveable sad I am. I can't put into words just how low I feel. If I hear one more person say "if there is anything I can do just ask" I'm going to scream. There is nothing anyone can do, I just want to hold him, I'm heart broken. I know no one knows what to say and they are just trying to help and I am so greatful of that, but I just cant stop crying. and I still look pregnant, I just feel so empty thats the worst part. I'm scared to leave the house as I dont want people to ask me when i'm due, all the stuff I was so proud to answer before, and now makes me want to cry.

Shane is amazing. I'm so pleased that becasue of Freddy, me and shane are as close as we are. He is my strength and my future. He said to me on wednesday that he thinks that we had freddy for a reason and that we have to see it like that, he made us as close as we are and thats his gift to us. That makes me even more sad. Freddy was an accident, but as soon as I found out, I was filled with such love that over took me. I can't explain it. How could I love something so much that I have never met, and how can it make me love my partner 1000 times more? Well he did, and i'll always be greatful to him for giving me that.

All I can think about at the moment is how much I want a baby. Not to replace him, but, I think the way my brian is wired has changed. We dont drink we dont smoke, we dont do drugs, we had got a little nursary and I am so ready to be a mother.

We have decided, as soon as we can we are going to start trying again. I'm sure some people will say that it is not going to be the best thing for me. But I feel its the only thing that is going to keep me breathing, it gives me the hope to wake up in the morning.

Shane and both our families are going through so much, I feel I need to stay strong for them and have found it very hard to talk to any of them, and I know Shane feels the same. He is being strong for me and them but I am worried he is not dealing with it. Becasue I was so far along, it feels like we've lost a child. I talked to Freddy everyday before, just silly little things about what i'm doing and what the dogs are up too, and when shane pulled up in the drive after work i'd tell him and he'd kick me like he was excited, I know it prob wasn;t that, but it felt like it and he made me smile. Shane used to talk to him in the mornings and give him a morning report of what the plan was for the day. I just feel so alone now. Shane has gone back to work and I am so alone. I'm not physically ready to go back to work, but I think i'm going to go mad being in all day on my own.

[Arimeh]

I'm so sorry for your loss

There are many wonderful women here on BB that know what you are going through, as they have been there too.



Please take care of yourself.
xx

[spice]

Oh sweetheart a big to you. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy Freddy.
Please don't bottle it all up. You don't need to be strong for anyone right now sweetie - you need time to greive. Bellybelly is a great place for you to come to talk to and get support from others who have experienced the loss of their bub. You will find your own special way of honouring Freddy too which will help you during this time.
Please take care

Tamara

[Flowerchild]

My love I am so sad reading Freddy's story...

I am so relieved that yu have so much loving support around you - that helps the healing - a healing that will take time.

I found for me - and we are all different but I will share & take it on if it fits and if it doesn't let it go... I found for me that I made a decision that I would not allow my babies to be remembered with sorrow. I wanted their short lives to mean something. So I chose to go about learning the lessons that each of my Goodbye Babies taught me. I am still learning those lessons. I remember when I birthed my angel son - during that labour I laughed, I cried, I smiled, I wailed. But he taught me strength. He gave me the gift of knowing I could feel the most unimaginable (for me) pain & still live. He also gave me my intuition - or at least awakened it.

So, maybe you can find some pearl - a gift. Maybe the gift that Freddy bestowed on his parents is the deep knowing of your love. A truly precious gift...

I hope you stay with us in here & let us share your journey - you can join the Trying to Conceive After Late Loss/Stillbirth/Recurrent miscarriage thread - there are women sadly that have gone through similar to you who will welcome you with open arms. You will find the thread HERE As you are new to the site you will find it helpful to have a read of our forum guidelines. You will find them HERE

Special hugs - beautiful strong Mama that you are,..

[diannescruffy]

Hi,
I'm very sorry for the loss of your precious son. I wish there were words I could say to take away your pain but nothing could make you feel better right now. Just take day by day and let yourself grieve. I'm glad you have great support in your partner. Your precious Freddy will always be close to your heart.

Regards,
Dianne

[Snacks]

Oh, I'm so so sorry for your loss.
Sweety, you feel like you've lost a child because you have lost a child. You deserve time to grieve, the opportunity to talk about him, about your plans for him and for your family. Please don't feel like you can't share those very important things and need to be brave and strong. Just by getting through what you have already your bravery and strength are beyond my understanding...
I'm so pleased that you are able to recognise the gift Freddy was to you and your DH. How special for you both to have that to hold on to.
I really hope you find the support you need on here, and in your family.
Take care of you.

[MistyFying]

I'm so sorry you're precious son has passed away May you find some comfort in walking this difficult journey with the women on these boards who have experienced the loss of their little ones also.

[~StarBright~]

Hello Sweety...

Reading your story brought tears to my eyes- as sooo much of it rang true to my own story of my Angel daughter Zahra- even our husbands name are the same!!

I lost Zahra due to a placental abruption- the same way you lost Freddy- and i do understand how sharing a loss like that can bring you and your husband closer together- it did the same for us. And as Flower Child said- that is my "pearl"- the small good thing to come from my sadness and loss.
I also tried to hold on to those little memories of her living in my belly- she liked to kick alot too (loved sports.. she went crazy when i watched the footy)- and i am sure that Freddy was excited when he heard that his Daddy was home- hold onto those memories- they are real.

You mentioned that your families are both going through rough times at the moment and you want to be strong for them... it is important for you to be true to your feelings- and even be a bit selfish right now... dont sweep your feelings and sadness under the carpet for anyone, your families should appriciate that right now YOU and Shane are going through an extreamly hard time and that YOU need THEIR support right now- as you have just lost a very precious child- off hand i can not think of much else that could be more "rough" than that... Freddy is your child and its important that you all grieve for him.

Dont put pressure on yourself to go back to work- and if you feel like your going nutty- mate- you have found the best place to come by joining this forum- sadly there are ALOT of women here who are mothers to angels who will be here for you to support you through this- i know myself that Belly belly and the ladies here were my life line after my losses and having people to talk to who had experienced loss themselves did wonders for my frame of mind and my recovery. I talked and talked and read and other peoples stories and just knowing that these feelings of sorrow and especially the emptiness i felt were "normal" and that i was not alone for some reason made it all easier to cope with.

I also understand your need to try again- and yes some people may be negative about it- but its not for them to say- my sister said to me that she didnt think i was "ready" to try again because i was still grieving- but she had two healthy children in her arms and couldnt comprehend that i NEEDED to get pregnant again to help ease some of that pain. And i did get pregnant again- and 12 weeks ago i gave birth to Shane Jnr- dont loose hope- here is a link to my TTC (trying to concieve) thread if yo would like to read it- it is a run down of my history and my journey of concieving Shane... and it has a very happy ending. http://bellybelly.com.au/forums/ttc-...c-journal.html

I am so sorry that Freddy grew his angel wings- my heart goes out to you and Shane and wish you some bright moments in the coming days and weeks and months.

Take care
xoxoxxo
SB

[kristi14]

So sorry to hear of your loss

I lost a little girl 3 yrs ago, she passed at 18 wks, was born at 19wks 6days. I remember the overwhelming urge to want another baby and try again as soon as possible. There's nothing wrong with that and only you and your partner and your body know when you are ready to try again.

Your angel sounds so precious.

Sending you lots of strength

[dd0207]

So sorry to hear about the loss of your precious boy. Sending you lots of love sweetie.

I too felt I had to be strong for everyone but it is important to TAKE CARE OF YOU during this time. Take time to grieve, be alone, be with people, cry, scream - whatever it takes. Don't bottle your feelings up inside hon, it's so important to talk about Freddy and let family members know what you're going through so they can be supportive to you and DH.

The ladies here have helped me so much - I seriously don't know where I'd be without their love and support. I felt no-one could understand what I was going through until I found BB. Don't hesitate to write and vent as much as you like, we are all here for you.
BIG BIG to you. Please take care of yourself xx

[Katiegirl]

I am so sorry to read about the loss of your baby boy Freddy. It is a loss that is unimaginable and the loss is lifechanging. I think it is wonderful that you and your partner can already see the love that Freddy brought to your lives and that this is helping you both support each other.

It is completely understandable that you feel the need to start trying for another child. It does not matter what other people say, only you will know when you are ready to start trying again. It will be a year in Dec since we lost our boy Nathaniel at 20 weeks, and I knew straight away that I wanted more than anything to have another baby. Nathaniel has also brought my DH and I closer together and we both feel that our love for each has deepened over this past year. I am now only days away from Baby No. 2 coming into our lives, and I can not tell you how very precious and blesssed we feel. Nathaniel is and always will be a big part of our lives, I often ask him to look after the baby I am carrying and to help me when I get scared.

You need to be strong for you, and others need to be there for you as well. Please take the time to grieve and allow yourself time before you have to return to work etc. It is a very lonely grief at times, and it is important that you allow yourself the time to work through the pain you are experiencing.

I hope you and your partner continue to support each other over the coming months. Please join the women in the TTC after Late Loss thread. They have been so important to be these past 12 months. Take care

[Zachary's Mom]

I am so sad to hear of your loss. This is a truly amazing place to tell your story as there are so many wonderful ladies who are truly comforting.

I too lost a little boy. We were 36 weeks and we went for a scan and they could not find a heartbeat. I was devestated. Zachary, like you, was so wanted by our families. We had the nursery all finished the Sunday before we found out (which was on the Tuesday) and we were so excited at the prospect of being parents. Everything had been going so well with my pregnancy and Zachary was a healthy size.

Zachary brought Julian and I closer together and like you, we feel this was his gift to us. Julian has been my rock and I truly don't know where I would be without his support.

I read your story and there are so many similarities. I am also anxiously trying to get pregnant again and it seems like it is just not happening. It has been nearly 4 months since we lost Zachary. I totally understand about your heart breaking and like you, we don't smoke or drink or do drugs. It all seems so unfair.

Please know I am here for you if you want to talk or just vent or whatever.

Take care of yourself and don't worry about anyone but yourself right now

Theresa

[*MadsMum*]

I'm so sorry hun, just want to give you a big

[huggabug75]

I just read your story, I am sorry for your & Shane's loss.

[KimmyF]

I just wanted to say i am so sorry for your loss, I hope you and Shane get all the love and support you need xxx